No, I Do Not Hate People And No I Am Not Judging Them

God telling you to surrender isn't selfish or prideful, it's selfless and merciful. If you were in a burning 8 story building, the only way out was the window, and a fireman came to save you, would you struggle as they help you get out? Would you squirm around and kick and flail? Personally, I'd surrender myself to them because I know they want me to live and I know they know how to save me. You can't get out on your own and they know that. They went in to save you, not so they could bring out some popcorn and watch you "save" yourself. So let God help you.

Why have I been venting for the past 4 posts?

That Fangirl Moment Be Like

Does anyone ever get that feeling when you are fangirling so hard you feel like you might actually cough up your heart or whatever organ is starting to burn from all the squeeling you're doing? Or maybe how you squint your eyes so hard in excitment it feels like they might intertwine and shoot your eyeballs to the back of your skull? Or maybe how you wave your hands so visioucly that they might snap?

This lowkey be me whenever I come across my fav characters, my favorite songs, and most importantly, my favorote God.

I need more Jesus stans so we can fangirl together

I hate winter but I've come to apreciate it. One, winter is important to our world, its balance, and the way of life, but it's still cold and I don't like it. But it also reminds me of how God uses transitions from Winter to Spring to restore all things, make new life, and show he is still working. Summer is still my favorite though.

God has a purpose for you, bigger than yourself, bigger than you can imagine. David established his kingdom, yes, but his influence stretched much farther than Israel and much longer than his reign. Job perservered and proved his loyalty to God, yes, but he also taught as example to his friends, family, and us, generations after his story. There is no bounds to what God can do, all that is stopping you is yourself. Not even the enemy, demons, or satan himself could stop you if God has enabled you. You will lose many battles but the war has been won on the cross, so know that all the losses, sacrifices, and suffering that comes with this path is nothing compared to the victory of Jesus.

I love how on the night I actually got to talk to, touch, hear, and see God with my own senses, on the night I was fully concious even while dreaming, and on the night I will never forget the feeling of total peace, the only thing I asked him was what should I do. What should I do to be like you. What should I do to follow you. What do you want from me. I love how I had the answers to the universe, to everything in front of my face and all I asked was what should I do to follow Him. And I know why. Because at the end of the day, that is the only question that really matters. My soul knew what needed to be asked and my soul knew only He had the answer. And He did. He said to me: "That is for you to find out." And I am. I'm still figuring it out. And I want others to figure it out with me.

I cannot be more serious, there is nothing better. There is nothing better than the feeling I feel when I'm with God. I went years running around doing all kinds of stupid things before I met Him, but He calmed my heart the same way He calmed the storm. Anxiety fled, lust died, anger wained, grief packed up and left, and He moved in.

You may think I'm crazy. An idiot who never learned to question. A traditional bum who can't open her mind to new ideas. Even an uneducated fool spouting whatever false tales.

You may think I'm in need. A victim to white men who drilled this religous crap into my head. A kid who doesn't even know better, she'll wake up once she get's old enough.

You may think I'm evil. A weirdo out of my mind who only lives to shame others. A cultists trying to drag others down with me. A judgemental, sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic, trump supporting conservative who can't understand that sometimes she isn't right.

Well let me explain something

I'm sane. I question everything, the how, the why, the what, the who, the when. I adopt new ideas all the time, only the difference is, I have boundries when it comes to ideas trying to pull me away from the Word of God. I'm educated, and I plan to become a professor.

I'm not a victim. I chose this path for myself, no person or group manipulated me into it (besides, it's not a white man's religoun, it's middle eastern). I may be a kid, but the things I've seen and felt was something even a toddler could identify as unmistakenly God.

I'm not evil. I don't shame people, thinking they're gross or whatnot just because we don't share the same beliefs, I pray for them and their wellbeing. I'm not a cultist and I would never willingly drag anyone down if I knew what I was following was false, in fact, I wouldn't even be in it myself. I don't look at any gender, race, occupation, status, or sexuality and think I'm looking at devil's incarnate, just a person like me and everyone else who doesn't know the goodness of God (Also, I'm not even a republican and I'm well aware I'm wrong sometimes).

Contrary to many beliefs, I'm not as bad as people try and peg me to be. I'm just a kid trying her best in a world where nobody ever looks back on the weak. I'm just a kid who struggles to make friends or relate to people. I'm just a kid that wants to love and be loved. Trying to understand, find my way, do what's right and be truly happy.

I'm just a child.

God's child.

I have a mouse plushie, y'know, the Mouse Wants a Cookie plush, hanging over my bed. I wrapped yarn around its neck, stitched it through its throat, and bound its arms behind his back, then tied him to the top of my window to hang over my bed as a sign of my hatred and wrath. I was 15 when I did this. I had a mental breakdown and thank God I didn't give in to the devil's whispers to kill myself and take my mom with me. I had struggled with suicidal thoughts before, around 7 to 8 years old, and my relationship with, honestly everyone, especially my mom did not help. I felt very misunderstood, weird, wrong, unwanted, and like I was a mistake, something not deserving of the title human because I lacked something, that something in question nobody would tell me about. I prayed only when I was asking to die, I cried at night, had episodes of depression, had spent a year or so forcing myself to never cry and denying myself the right to feel sad, bottled up all my emotions and confusion for my whole life, never had an outlet, and my only coping mechanism was to watch funny videos on youtube.

That was me. Not even a full year ago.

Ever since I accepted Jesus into my life and just surrendered it all to him, I've never had that rage since. I haven't cried at night, or had depressive episodes, or suicidal thoughts, and I would never want any harm to befall my mom. I feel like if I have feelings of sadness or anger, I can take it to God. I no longer feel inhuman and wrong, but valid and loved. My coping mechanism still inckudes funny videos, but also to pray and ask God for help.

God has protected and saved me in an unfathomable way, and I can testify that He works. I'm not a Christian because I was raised in the church. My whole life until a few months ago, I had never touched a bible, never fasted, never truly prayed, and didn't even care to believe, hoping I could be some magical exception. My parents took us to church, but never explained God's goodness, so we were blind to him, seeing him only as a religous figure we follow by tradition. I can testify to you because my faith is my own, and I am this way only because I have seen Him with my own eyes. Literally. I saw Him. I spoke to Him. I touched Him. I heard Him. Even after literally speaking to God, I didn't give myself to him. It took a year or so for that. I felt a pang one day in my soul that if I were to die that day, I would certaintly go to hell. It was like a punch to the stomach of loneliness. I knew what it was and it couldn't be mistaken for anything else. I was far from God and my soul was lonely for its creator. I had already been blessed in all that I did as a child, but afterward, I saw all his miracles in my life and noticed the good hand that feeds me. I am fullfilled and only in Christ do I feel content. I tried everything. I tried friends, family, social media, new looks, experimenting with my sexuality and orientation, self indulgance, and nothing worked. They were all temporary and made me feel worse in the longrun. Only in Jesus have I found peace even in a storm.

So try Him out! He works miracles, I promise.

Non Stop Grind

Have been drawing everyday, all day, every night, all night for the past 3 days. Almost done with my refs (not really) and already have my layout for my attacks (not finished cuz it's against the rules). I have been in a major art block for sooo long so this was SO REFRESHING

I can't be the only one who fangirls at the sight of a fellow christian bro.