Doesn't Matter How Much Effort I Put In, Right? It's Hard To Love Me.

christmas is coming so heres a reminder:

if ur stuck with abusive or shitty family...

u are always allowed to step away. i opt to go for a walk because "the fresh air is nice and its a little crowded in here right now" [using a light happy tone is key here, so hopefully theyre less likely to take it negatively]. u have autonomy over urself even if u dont feel like it

u can go to ur room and say ur just "grabbing something" [say its ur phone or a phone charger, something like that] and take a quick breather

u dont have to listen to the conversations. if theyre being bigotted u dont have to listen or say anything. loads of ppl have started a "if u dont say anything about ur familys bigotry ur part of the problem". u arent. ur keeping urself safe. u can zone out, tune it out, etc [u can even hide an earbud in ur ear for music if that helps]

keep a comfort item on u. i keep fidgets in my pockets.

u dont have to drink. no matter the pressure put on u.

if presents are involved and u feel overwhelmed by ppl trying to force u to give a positive reaction i usually say "wow thank u all so much! im putting these in my room real quick to keep them safe, thank u theyre lovely" [i struggle with this one a lot given im autistic as well so forcing the reaction is hard. i always use a script]

Feeling very… touch, intimacy and comfort starved.

Being sick for anything longer than three days is unreasonable. Like okay, I get it, let's fucking wrap it up here

I can't stand my own thoughts

sorry if i was weird last night it’s just that i’m weird pretty much every night actually

did not get woken up by being kissed. a crime really

My identity fucking melted while I was out :(