My little sister (4yo) just asked me “do you wanna be a boy?” and I just stood here like omg what should I tell her
But since it’s my stepmother’s daughter I didn’t answer cause I don’t wanna get in trouble
In the end she only told me she didn’t want me to have a beard because she doesn’t like it
They said they were working on something new so they did ♪
i just realized that this sounded creepy as if i was just standing there and staring at them or something
but hum i’m actually friends with both of them so i basically have random conversations with them and at the same time my heart goes awwww these eyes and i lose focus
also i don’t think they know each other
that’s it
currently in a room with both my crushes and i think my heart's gonna stop or something
so much pressure but so much happiness at the same timeeeeee
I decided that today would be a gray day. It’s not a white day because things are going wrong; but it’s not a black day because I found a way to get better. However, this implies that I hurt someone. I don’t want to, but I’ve been destroyed a little more every day for more than a year. I believe in Love, I really do. But many things went wrong. Maybe it wasn’t real Love and this might explain why it makes me feel this way; or maybe was I too young to be happy with all of this. Whatever the reason is, I decided that I wanted to stop. It’s getting too hard for me. Fortunately, I’m feeling better with myself than I used to, so I haven’t thought about self harm or suicide to end my pain. I think I have to let him go. He doesn’t want to, but we have to. I know myself, and if I stay, I will force myself to do things that hurt me, that make me unhappy, that disgust me, and a few others. I don’t want this to happen, I don’t want to fake smiles or feelings, or make him believe I’m happy with us. Truth is, I was happy in the beginning, when I thought it was forever. But now I’m thinking about the time I still had a choice. Because I feel trapped, I can’t make my own decisions. He tells me to go to bed early and he knows when I don’t, he calls me all the time even though he knows that phones that ring and vibrate are unbearable for me. He has ‘crisis’ when he gets mad and yells at me because I don’t help him. I can’t do anything without receiving lots of messages and calls from him. Together, we stopped cutting ourselves and we got better, but now he’s pulling me down with him while I’m trying to fly. I know that this sounds selfish and I guess I am, but I can’t do this anymore. I wanna be able to do whatever I want without having to justify myself, I want to spend entire days without hearing my phone, I want to meet new people and do what I want with them without having to justify myself, I want to be free. It’s been several hours now since I’ve put my phone on plane mode and I know he’s probably trying to call me, he’s sending me messages, telling me he’s crying and he’s gonna hurt himself. A few hours earlier, I had an idea. I’m gonna write a letter, since we’re all in quarantine, because that’s the only way I can tell him without using a phone. I will write that I can’t do it anymore, that it’s over, and that I need my independence back. I will gather all our things, all our memories, and give them back to him once the quarantine will be over. I’ll delete all our pictures, block him on every social media because I know he won’t leave me alone. And then I’ll tell my ‘best’ (only) friend what happened and we’ll never talk about this again. After all of this; I’ll be able to accept myself as I am, not as I ‘should’ be, and I’ll be there for people that need me, for the ones I lost contact with, and I know I’ve made enough efforts to be able to go talk to people I don’t know, for I’m feeling way stronger than I was. Tonight; I am writing thid on Tumblr but I’m not expecting any reader. I thought I’d just let my mind write this and then I’d post it. If by any chance, someone is reading this, I hope you’re doing okay, and that my text might be a bit useful (pretty sure it’s not tho). I wish you the best.
My mood about the new tour ♪♪
three years ago i was just about to talk to my 'ex' for the very first time
two years ago i was getting yelled at by my 'ex in the middle of the night bc i was working and it apparently was too late for them and it made them mad
one year ago i was slowly healing from this massive destruction i went through
tonight my intrusive thoughts made me go through all of this and i felt the abuse again as if it was still there
i'm just getting used to live on my own, i'm completely alone, facing intrusive thoughts, surrounded by people that know absolutely nothing about this all, it just feels so... it feels like i keep falling apart even more than a year after putting an end to this and it's so hard i want to give up
i keep having nightmares where he comes back and finds me and hurts me and no one tries to help me
Sirius: Nice hands, Moony.
Remus: Uh...thank you?
Sirius: I bet they'd look better wrapped around my-
James: BIBLE! WRAPPED AROUND THE BIBLE. PRAISE THE LORD, AMEN.
Pls
he/him • • • 'zwischen den welten bin ich gefangen' -th • • • not living, barely surviving • • • insta: @whatsmyname.rolko
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