Do You Think Kyojuro Rengoku Laid Awake At Night Wondering If He Would Ever Experience The Passion He

do you think kyojuro rengoku laid awake at night wondering if he would ever experience the passion he puts into the world reciprocated for himself?

do you think he gave everything he had with as much joy as he could offer, because seeing people happy made him happy? how he keeps living and loving and connecting, but at the end of the day he’s hollow?

he’s not even lighting himself on fire anymore. he’s offering to share what warmth he has even though he’s freezing. he knows it’ll never be reciprocated. maybe it was never for him. maybe this longing will last forever, this deep seated desire for someone to love him without him having to ask them to. even his father couldn’t manage it. even those who do love him don’t do it correctly, don’t put him first, don’t set aside the space for him. they can’t, they’re soldiers. they have a war to fight, and he knows that.

maybe he’s learned by now that he’s supposed to be a weapon and nothing more, that he’s meant to be a shield and a barrier and a protector. that he’s meant to keep everyone warm and safe, and as long as he does that, it will be enough for him too.

and usually it is. he was never once resentful of the care he put into the world. he took great joy and pride in the heavy legacy of the Rengokus, and he truly did love being a Hashira.

but do you think he ever wished, sometimes when he was so, so alone in the middle of the night? hoped against hoping that someone out there might return it back to him, might allow him to experience all the love he so freely pours out?

or do you think that until the moment he died he knew he was already doomed?