Im So Obsessed W Her I’m Ill

OH MY GOD IM ACTUALLY OBSESSED HOLY

boots // rudyard kipling

how am i going to get by how am i going to pay for so and so what am i going to do on my spare time so i can enjoy myself will i enjoy my life is it worth it to be alive is it worth it to go to work everyday

Open

You see, the thing is, some people can just open up. 

They can just crack their hearts open. 

Spill out the truth. 

I can’t. 

I won't. 

Because if I did, everyone would think I was insane. 

Everyone would see me for what I really am. 

A mess. 

An unlovable mess. 

Used and disgusting

Fat and fake. 

Mean. 

Crazy. 

Damaged goods. 

That's who I am.

Not some put-together girl who has a few issues. 

Not someone who knows how to help. 

I can’t help. 

But I can make it worse. 

So much worse.

It would be so much worse if I opened up.

Trust me. 

Jackie Sabbagh, “Having a Great Time Being Transgender in America Lately”

Door open in my room

Now I lie in my bed

my window is open wide

I don’t have to be outside to feel the cool breeze

I can hear so much

The wind

The birds

My dog’s breath

My pen on paper

Leaves rustling

Cars rushing by

My brother’s laughter

And the tapping of my own fingers

The sky is turning purple

With the purple comes comes a cloud of calm

And a gust of joy

I want it to stay this way

(Perfect temperature, perfect sounds, perfect peace)

Forever.

untitled

I feel like I am totally invisible. At home and everywhere else. Like I could say something completely earth shattering, and nobody would even acknowledge me. 

I feel like everything I do is taken out of context, like I could be with someone who said something wrong, and it would be my fault. 

I feel like I will never be right. I can’t trust my own thoughts, so why should I expect others to?

I feel like I can’t share myself fully with anyone because I know that they would leave so fast.

I want to get better, and I am putting so much fucking effort into it. Into being, looking, feeling, smiling, crying better. But it isn't working. At what point is it no longer worth even trying?

Today I woke up

If we were villains

Just finished if we were villains and let me just say, oh my goddddd!!!! I literally almost burst into tears at the ending. The way the characters were portrayed was amazing and every single one of the journeys they went on as humans was so touching and approachable. I have no words to describe how this book made me feel.

maybe i should just stop talking. i want all of my secrets back.

here and now

Here and now I stand still.

Wind bends around my cheeks.

The earth is still yet somehow I move at a million miles an hour.

(yet my feet never leave the place they are rooted )

Life is frozen in time, yet everyone I know is fifteen years into the future.

My life is groundhog’s day, except that i can't get out. 

Trust me, I've tried.

Air doesn't fill my lungs the same way anymore.

Have I overstayed my welcome?

Where do I belong?

Who do I have?

I have nobody.

I trust nobody, yet I love so many.

I think that there are people who say they love me out of pity.

I miss having someone I could call and spill my tainted blood to.

All the lies I've told.

All of the thoughts that have fought their way from the pits of my stomach to my lips.

Poisoned by my own voice

Betrayed by my own truth.

A cycle of apology and transgression.

Here and now, I come to a close.