I Think I Might Have Cut Too Deep This Time...

this is so inspiring. I want to be like this. I want to say I went a full year without sh.

I want my scars to be almost gone, but not completely.

I want to be happy and depression and anxiety free,

I want to be ready for the rest of my life.

It's been 1 year...

1 year without self harming

1 year since the break up that I thought would kill me

1 year since moving to a new city all alone

1 year since starting therapy for my PTSD from csa

1 year since changing my antidepressants

1 year since starting medical school

1 year since life broke me ...and I climbed out of the rubble stronger

I used to love the holidays. But now im crying myself to sleep on Christmas Eve, praying i dont wake up tomorrow, and i dont know what changed.

Ive memorized every part of you. I can remember how your hair feels in my hand. I remember how perfect your teeth are when you smile. I can recall perfectly how your lips felt on mine. I can visualize your perfect face. I can still hear your laugh. I can feel your breath as you whisper in my ear. I remember your hands, and how they fit perfectly in mine. I can remember how close you hug, and how your hand slides down my back. I can remember every single thing about you so clearly. I remember every single thing you made me feel. Whenever i remember this, it makes me want you again. Thats what i'm sure about. So i guess my question is; Why arent you sure after all thats happened between us? Do you remember every detail of me? Do you think about me as much as i think of you?

I had a family, once. Then i fucked up and things were never the same.

- the funny thing is, i don't take it back. Im happier alone, and i think that scares me more...

Update, I found him

but everything comes with a price...

I found him but I cant have him. I'm to broken right now. I wanna be fixed and have the strength to say "I used to cut" and not "I still cut"

I wanna be with someone who understands my scars. Someone who wont try to change them, but understands why. I need someone whos equally or more fucked up than me.

Is this what happiness feels like? Its been so long, i cant quite remember...

I just feel like ill always be stuck. Stuck in the middle of a goodbye. Never feeling that pain, but never feeling that closure. Never feeling the certainty that somethings gone and is never coming back. I will always be frozen in this one time frame. Never wanting less, never having more. Im just stuck.

So like... 99% of this is true for me except its been a week since we talked last and we've been best friends for over 10 years... im just so done trying with her because I lnow she doesn't really wanna talk to me its probably just cuz she pities me which I used to be fine with but now I actually know she doesn't care its not "all in my head"...

Man don't yall just love crying for and hour straight because your best friend of 3 years hadn't talked to you in 3 days and you convinced yourself that they hate you and are tired of you and you want to end your friendship but then you realise that you don't have the patience to make another best friend so now you're stuck between the choices, whether to end your friendship because lately (during the whole quarantine and before) they have been dry with you, barely responding and have, on multiple occasions, not texted you back in a few days and you were fine with it before because you weren't as close but now they're literally the only friend you have that you trust with completely everything and you've left all your other friends because you wanted to focus on them, or whether to stay with them and endure the pain of having thoughts and being a depressed bitch who spams them with random shit in hopes that they will respond, maybe just check what you send them, but they almost never do, so you sit and cry and try not to die because you don't want to make them sad despite knowing that, if you did die, they most likely won't care that much because they're in a whole different country and it won't affect them nearly at all?

It's infuriating how I have all these demons in my head no one else can understand.

Facts.

I just want to be beautiful

Reblog if your SICK of these things:

FAT thighs

FAT stomach

FAT arms

FAT face

FAT hands

FAT calves

FAT knees

FAT hips

FAT EVERYTHING. 

I just want to be skinny…