To Sorta Piggyback Off My Last Headcanon With Hobbits Being Just Genetically Superior To All Other Races,

Frodo, meeting Aragorn in Bree: How do I know you're not a serial killer or something? Aragorn: Frdo: Aragorn: Frodo: Aragorn: You just trust me!😁 Frodo: That was a long pause!

Balin: Bilbo, if you want to court Thorin, you must first understand how truly literal minded dwarves can be. You really have to spell it out if you want to tell him you're interested. Bilbo: Ok. I've got this. *turns to Thorin* I'm extremely attracted to you and I want to be your boyfriend. Thorin: *looking sad* Are you rehearsing so you can propose to your hobbit love back home? Bilbo: Wow.

I think a side effect of de-aging Thorin in the movies and still presenting Fíli and Kíli as his definitive heirs is making him gay-coded. In the book, he's the oldest in the Company and it's too late for him to have children, but in the Jackson movies, he's perfectly young enough to get married and have an heir after he reclaims Erebor (as kings do), but nobody expects him to and everybody considers Fíli as the next king without a doubt for...reasons?

They made him look like the gay uncle is all I'm saying.

Continuing my quest of headcanoning the lotr races to be as inhuman as possible, hobbits are immune to so much shit.

They're covered in fur that keep them warm in any climate (Up on the mountain pass every other member of the fellowship would have frozen to death three times over before any of the hobbits started to feel something), but their fur also know how to air out properly, so they aren't affected by hot climates either (The heat of mount doom was a cake walk for Sam and Frodo. Everything else, not so much), and they have surprisingly thick skin that protects them against a lot of injuries, especially around their feet meaning they never get worn out. The same goes with food and drinks, it takes a lot to get a hobbit intoxicated (The alcohol concentration in their ale is insane), and no poison affects them. Like, when Shelob stabbed Frodo, man's was fucking fine. The stab was the problem, not her venom. In fact, headcanon time, Shelob's venom is an insta kill, but since Hobbits are practically immune and Orcs are resilient as heck, the most it causes is like a temporary paralysis. Poor Shelob is very confused as to why her stings ain't killing these people but just kinda knocking them out for a few hours.

In conclusion, Hobbits are the perfect specimen, made to survive in any climate and in any situation, and they could have easily taken over Middle Earth if they wanted to. They don't want to tho, so we're good

So, Humans, what'cha doing?

"We're building a planet-sized Warp Gate."

...Ooo-kay then. Why?

"We wanna move some planets around."

That totally makes sense, yes, fully sensible and... uhh And you're gonna power it with..?

"That Dyson Sphere we're building around the Sun."

And the materials for all that..?

"We broke up a couple of Jupiter's moons for it. Oh right, we'll update flight trajectories for ya."

Right. Umm... thank you? Well uhh... we'll... leave you to it?

"Yup, no problem. Have a good one!"

I was thinking about Goose from Captain Marvel/MCU and also about those various "humans are weird" posts, and something occurred to me.

So *every other* sentient race in the Marvel universe can identify a Flerkin as a terrifying Eldritch monster. Humans? Humans have one as a pet. They are utterly oblivious. And even *after* finding out it's an alien monster, Nick Fury has it hanging out in his office and/or house.

What if our obliviousness or, more specifically, our ability to be bored, that is the human superpower?

Humans can be bored by being launched into the air in a fragile tin can powered by extremely volatile fuel. We can be bored by Space in all its infinite terror and majesty.

You can just imagine the "Eldritch Monster Cleanup Crew":

Terror Beast From Beyond the Stars: COWER BEFORE MY POWER, MORTALS! I WILL DEVOUR YOUR WORLDS AND FEAST UPON YOUR SOULS!

Bob the Human: Sure thing, mate. Can you just hold still for a second?

TBfBtS: ...YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FLEEING FROM MY HORRIFYING VISAGE AND ABOMINABLE PRESENCE

Bob: You aren't that impressive. Bit ugly, yeah, but I've seen worse in downtown nightclubs.

TBfBtS: WHAT.

Bob: Just want to get on with the job, mate. My other half has a pot roast in the oven. Hold still another second so the arcane prison can get a proper hold.

TBFBTS: Noooo!!!

Bob: *dusts off hands, picks up arcane prison* Time for a cuppa.

The elves being carnivores makes the dinner scene in the hobbit so much funnier actually

“Lindir what the fuck do dwarves eat?!”

“I’m not entirely sure my lord, I-“

“Do they eat meat?! Should we serve them meat?! We still have some human flesh over from that hunting party last week!”

“Well, I’m not sure my lord. Their teeth are fairly round”

“Fuck you’re right, they probably don’t eat meat. What about that other stuff? The green things that grow from the ground that’s edible?”

“I believe it’s called Wedge Table”

“Right. Do we have any of that?!”

“No”

“Fuck it, just throw some leaves on a plate, it’s probably the same thing”

Wish we were actually that wise when we meet the aliens

"How can you still have hope in your kind?", the alien asked, as their ships decorated the blue skies with gray.

"We need each other", the human ambassador replied.

"Your kind is one of war".

"I know".

"Your kind is one that silences itself".

"I know".

"Your kind got used to its cruelty".

"And yet, we can still be delighted by sunlight".

"You are close, yet divided and distant from each other".

"From our differences we find harmony and reasons to connect. This is more prevalent than our hate".

"All I see is your kind spiraling down to nothing. Your planet is dying, you hate each other, and you do not believe in a future anymore".

The ambassador did not reply.

"Your museums are filled with relics of ruin, ambassador, and your own body has scars from the wars you inflict upon each other. Your kind can never discover all living creatures on Earth, for you have already killed too many things you will never have the pleasure of knowing".

The alien shook their/its head.

"Your punishment is solitude and guilt".

"No".

The aliens looked down upon the human.

"Spiraling down our minds, you still saw something good. Otherwise, you would have killed us on sight, like you did with others in the past. In our darkest moments, we learned how to make fire. You saw a fossil of an old woman without teeth, and yet, she lived for long enough for her wounds to heal. If we were truly cruel, she would have been killed. If we were truly crooked, she would have been abandoned. Yet, she was kept alive, and someone was kind enough to feed her, even when she was toothless".

The human rose his/her/their voice.

"What is real resists the lies of convenience".

"You speak with fancy words, but I cannot believe any of them. We saw what you did".

"You saw war and how it can disappear from your mind as you get used to it, but you are still watching us fight against it".

"You can make a bad person fall, but you cannot stop your own nature".

"Our love and our caring is our nature, and it finds a way".

"Describe how it does so, then. Prove it. Show us what you can do, even after everything you saw".

"We cannot describe our care, and the more we try, the more we fail. We look at those we love and all we can do is think about how distant we are from them, and how utterly incapable we are of showing them how much we love them. When I go to sleep next to my partner and I see their back, and I hug them close to me and listen as their breathe in and breathe out, all I can do is think about how I will never be able to hold them as much as I need to. I can make all the poetry in the world and do the impossible, and yet this wont satisfy me.

I could scream at the top of my lungs and paint a canvas with romantic pink and save the world. I could do all of that and it would never be enough. My partner will tell me, when I go back home, that they know I love them and I know they love me back, and I will agree, but still cry as I say 'I am sorry for not showing you enough'.

My partner does not take away from me. They do not fulfill me. They simply make me understand that I cannot stop caring for them".

Silence in the courtroom of aliens that think they can judge others.

"You listened to our songs, you saw your movies, you read our books and listened to our stories. You saw us die and live. You saw everything that mades us ourselves and you refuse to accept us, because you cannot fathom the idea of an alien species that both care and hate and live and die and create and destroy. You cannot live with the idea of choosing to be better. You want to be born good and pure of cruelty so you can feel less guilty about your own mistakes".

And the aliens could not say anything back, nor the billions of humans that were watching their own judgement through screens, nor the other many alien species that survived the invaders cruel purity.

"You can kill me. But humanity won the moment we realized death may only exist as long as we are alive to name it".

he's trying very hard not to strangle someone