I Miss The Girl I Used To Be

Fresh air

I'm not sure if it's just the maturity and thoughts that come with growing up, but recently so much of my mind has been taken up with thoughts and plans for the future- finally being able to accomplish goals and dreams I've had forever. Opportunities opening up to fulfill empty wishes and feelings I've had for as long as I remember, and finally being old enough to work on them- yet somehow still young enough to keep my dreams alive. Feels like I've stepped above the clouds.

Is anyone else feeling like this? Is this how growing up feels like?

There's so much I want to do and so little time, but maybe I can prioritize and ration myself to each and every thing I'd like to accomplish, maybe I can live more than I've ever thought I could.

When I'm all old and grey, I'm going to miss this feeling of growing up. It's alright, though- I'll make sure to treasure it as it passes.

<3 Caramel

A slice of strawberry mille-crepe cake Nao got me a while ago.

It was so good, I miss it... (-人-。)

:)))

hehe I wanna look like those cute chinese kids with fitting clothing and strawberry milk + pocky

none of my clothes really fit me so one day I’m gonna get stuff that is pog!!

sometimes I think I like to swarm myself with schoolwork to have something to take my mind off anything bad

Maybe there's something in the air, maybe I'm sick, stressed, or just plain old lazy— but I can't seem to get myself to work these days. I sat by my desk all afternoon and evening today, but could barely get any work done at all.

My first final is tomorrow... are things really going to be okay..? I'd like to say I need a break, but what would the break be from? It's not like I've made enough progress on anything yet.

I wish it were spring or summer again, when I could go wherever I wanted with my friends. I miss taking the train.

I took a photo of my dog today and spent the rest of the night distracted from my work (⁠ ⁠；⁠∀⁠；⁠)

the cure to all sadness is indulging is nostalgic content nobody can prove me otherwise

Results?!

Starting to see some changes in daily life once I decided to finally crack down and improve whatever feckless dance around life I was trying to do.

Finally getting a new bed for the first time in my life, I'm giddy with excitement since I no longer have to have a broken, splintering woodframe that catches on my hair and makes me want to cut it off. Big win!!

Time to happy clean I guess, today is good :)

<3 Caramel

HEARTBREAKING: Poor girl has to get out of the soft warm bed even though she is so so so so comfy

Dissatisfaction

I really like my life as it is now, I get a few if not a decent amount of things done every so often, like music recitals and competitions and gigs every month or so.

School life is good enough, since I feel like I’d be okay with pretty much any environment. My friends are wonderful too, and they keep me company for the lionshare of the time I’m feeling lonely. They’re fun to talk to as well, and honestly one of the best parts of my life.

The problem is that I can’t help but dream of idealized versions of my life now- going back to that dream of being the stereotypical asian kid with neat handwriting and pocky and stationary of all matching colours. Aestheticism has a grip on me like nothing else, and sometimes I can daydream weeks away cooped up in my head, remembering none of what happened while I was up in the clouds. Social interaction in those times comes on its own, making up jokes and having entire conversations on autopilot without even being aware of what I’m talking about.

Most of my aesthetic wishes are the usual: being productive, matching colours and themes of everything I own, all in something pretty stereotypical of an asian girl (an example being my blog theme- all pink and cute even though I wasn’t a fan of pink when I made it), and, most regretfully of all, a friend group of kids who are all similar to my aesthetic ideal.

I love my current friends- so much so that they’re one of the only reasons why I bother going to school in person anymore. They’re fun and interesting to talk to, play games with me, and give me lots of support- but there’s always some kind of aspect missing from it all. 

I’d never let them go for the world- but when was the last time I had a sleepover? Went out with a cute group and looked for phone accessories? Braided one of my friend’s hair?

My current friend group is absolutely amazing, but I feel like I kind of left some of my planned childhood behind since I stopped having a super close friend group of girls in elementary school.

Is it so selfish to wish I had a group to bake with, to call each other pretty and cute, to tease about who they like, and to paint each other’s nails? Is it not such a wonderful thing to dress up in matching colours, garden with, and look up horoscopes together that you don’t even believe in, but still hope for like some fairy tale?

I really wish I were more of a girl, I’d suppose.

I really do wish that more people saw me as a girl. I hope it’s not too selfish to pray for?

Studying with my friend Julia ♡

Nothing beats a tiramisu to keep tiredness at bay