The Masters Of Weird Fiction.

Who burned down the Baudelaire mansion?

The series ended on an island but its bad beginning is still rife with controversy, confusion and contempt. As of today, we have no idea how the Baudelaire fire happened, or who escaped it, or why it was so important. In one of the most infuriating and frustrating pieces of dialogues Daniel Handler has ever written, we, the readers, are denied any answer to this mystery:

Klaus knelt down beside his sister, and stared into the villain’s shiny eyes. “You’re the one who made us orphans in the first place,” he said, uttering out loud for the first time a secret all three Baudelaires had kept in their hearts for almost as long as they could remember. Olaf closed his eyes for a moment, grimacing in pain, and then stared slowly at each of the three children in turn. “Is that what you think?” he said finally. “We know it,” Sunny said. “You don’t know anything,” Count Olaf said. “You three children are the same as when I first laid eyes on you. You think you can triumph in this world with nothing more than a keen mind, a pile of books, and the occasional gourmet meal.” He poured one last gulp of cordial into his poisoned mouth before throwing the seashell into the sand. “You’re just like your parents,” he said, and from the shore the children heard Kit Snicket moan. [Lemony Snicket - The End, Chapter Thirteenth]

There are about a million different ways to interpret Olaf’s reaction:

Someone else was actually responsible for burning down the mansion.

A group of several people (including Olaf) burned down the mansion for different reasons.

Olaf did burn down the mansion but the Baudelaire parents’ death had nothing to do with the fire, as at least one of them escaped the fire.

Olaf was coerced into killing the Baudelaire parents and was only an accomplice to the murder

Olaf feels that Bertrand and Beatrice are responsible for their own death and that they essentially brought it upon themselves

Klaus is more or less right but Olaf just enjoys not leaving the Baudelaire orphans any closure or certainty on this topic as a final “screw you” to his enemies.

The ambiguity of the universe and the inability to acquire perfect knowledge are major themes throughout the series, and Olaf’s ambiguous response is a testament. Nevertheless, there seems to be a kind of poignant sincerity in Olaf’s flippant dismissal. This is a dying man who has nothing left to lose; why would he lie? If a drama-queen has to make a final speech, said drama-queen uses it to send a deeply personal message. And the message here is that Klaus is… not wrong, exactly, but that his understanding of his parents’ death is biased and simplistic. Let’s take some time to examine Olaf’s point of view on the day of the Baudelaire fire.

Simply put: what the hell happened?

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On a scale...

from Saoirse Ronan

to Saoirse Ronan

How successful were you in drowning your sister?

can we as a society make puppetry cool again. like lets make it trendy. Mainstream. more people should get into doing it and more people should appreciate it. puppetry requires craftsmanship and charisma and physical acting and vocal performance!! you can’t get that from ai. it has a charm to it that neither 2D nor cg animation has. Have you ever watched a puppetry performance and realized you were genuinely convinced that the puppet was getting into bed or eating something or giving a hug that you wholly forgot there was some guy’s arm in there.

isn’t it lovely. to make a funny little guy to tell stories with. is that not so human of us. it’s such a lovely art form. I love you puppets I love you muppets I love you marionettes I love you handmade sock puppets I love you paper bags with googley eyes I love you armatures I love you I love you I love you!!!!!

Lemony Snicket's Calendar of Unfortunate Events

Jan 12: Birthday of Jacques Snicket, as well as that of his sister.

Feb 26: Jacques Snicket “taken” and initiated into V.F.D.

Mar 18: Jacques Snicket, given his first assignment, disguises himself accordingly.

Mar 31: Alleged date the alleged Baudelaire mansion allegedly burned down.

Apr 8: Isadora Quagmire’s whereabouts unknown.

Apr 17: Jacques Snicket disguise discovered. Alternate disguise employed.

May 13: Nine cows arrested by the authorities under the suspicion of involvement with V.F.D. Jacques Snicket, disguised as the tenth cow, escapes on a stolen tractor.

Jun 26: Jacques Snicket arrives in Paltryville to continue Baudelaire investigation.

Jul 6: Jacques Snicket reports his findings to The Daily Punctilio.

Jul 7: The Daily Punctilio does not publish Jacques Snicket’s report.

Aug 9: V.F.D. declares Jacques Snicket “either missing or on vacation.”

Sep 23: Summer is dead and Jacques Snicket does not return. V.F.D. changes his status to “missing.”

Oct 10: The remaining Snicket siblings open their investigation into Jacques Snicket’s disappearance.

Nov 7: Jacques Snicket reported murdered.

Dec 2: Jacques Snicket reported ill.

Jan 4: Director and screenwriter Gustav Sebald reported missing.

Jan 10: Gustav Sebald found murdered.

Jan 27: V.F.D. declares remaining Snicket siblings “either missing or on vacation.” Very few vacations are scheduled in January.

A photographer’s portrait in a mirror, a hundred years ago, Japan, ca. 1920. Text and image via Old Japanese Photos on Facebook

a collection of motivational insights regarding content creation and creative hobbies

and of course the classic

i’ve said in vfdiscord earlier about how the conclusions in Sub-file B in file under: 13 suspicious incidents that don’t have matching counter parts from Sub-file One might possibly be Jacques’ or Kit’s mission / cases / incidents encountered misfiled because of someone maybe someone confused those with Lemony’s cases because of the same last name.

so after getting home today i reread some and i have. some more thoughts. like the misfilings could be of various reasons and not just last name Snicket, though some of them still might be.

take for example:

museum authorities??? well we all knew one person who was hanging around museum during the atwq times. there’s nothing saying it’s the same museum as the one kit was plotting to steal from (implying it’s in The City), but there’s also nothing directly saying that the mine voices was from the same mine Marguerite worked at (implying it’s at SBTS)

anyway more under cut because this got long

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Beware!

Aight y'all. Here’s a lesson I learned from my wife, and I wish I’d learned it years ago:

Before you buy anything, take 5 minutes to search (preferably with a non-Google search engine like DuckDuckGo) “best [whatever] for [specific purpose if necessary].”

Make sure you look at who the reviews are from; there are a lot of bad spam sites out there, but you can find good lists on reputable sites. However, you’ll get some of the best lists on Reddit.

Most of what you’ll find at the top of the lists on Amazon (and Walmart) are people who have paid for that spot. You’ll still have to use discernment to make sure you’re picking a good review site, but I’m not kidding when i say that the last time we had to buy a plunger, I ended up on a thread on a plumber’s forum where they were discussing which plunger they keep in their own bathroom. (The overwhelming winner was something called a Toilet Saber, and… it’s much easier to use than the usual style of plunger, actually.)

She searches “best potato peeler” and “best pastry blender” and “best standing desk” and it seems so obvious, right, but she does it for literally everything and the average quality of things I own has gone way, way up since I started taking 5 minutes to search “best yoga socks” and “best cuticle trimmers” and then going to buy whatever it is.

Her research skills go into overdrive when it comes to big purchases; she’s the one who researched our sublimation printer and found the desk I currently use. If there’s an extremely passionate subreddit out there about the thing she wants to buy, she’ll find it and then read half a dozen reviews.

I cannot stress enough how much she does this. About. Everything. And how much everything we own is better as a result.

It’s amazing, honestly.

Pasta is great. It’s like hey, let me take delicious things like butter,or meat, or tomatoes or basil and then let me just fuckin mix whatever the fuck i want in and combine it with some random ass noodles.  That’s basically pasta.  BUT, there’s a big difference between “basically pasta” and “holy shit food of the gods” pasta, and that is that the latter has some rules that must be followed.  10 PASTA COMMANDMENTS COMIN UP:

Always boil pasta in boiling SALTED water. Ever had a dish where you forgot to salt it before cooking it, and no matter how much seasoning you did post saute/sear, it still sort of tasted bland on the inside? Same goes for pasta. Your sauce could be fuckin on point, but if you don’t salt dat pasta water, ya fugged, bruh. 

Always have your sauce ready BEFORE the pasta. Pestos, emulsified butter sauces, bolognese sauces, they should be in their respective sauce pans, heated and ready to go (unless we’re takin pesto or carbonarashit, as those go bad with heat). The worst thing you could do is fuck up and overcook your delicious pasta bc you were too busy making or finishing up your sauce. 

Always TASTE your pasta. I don’t care if the package says it’s ready in 1 minute or an hour, taste your pasta from the boiling water at least 2 minutes in, and every 2 minutes after that. Al dente’s usually the way to go, but you’ll never know when to take it out if you’re not constantly tasting. 

DO NOT strain your pasta, wasting your pasta water and allowing your pasta to cool. Use tongs to take pasta straight up form the boiling water (don’t dry it, nerds) and throw it in your sauce. A little pasta water gets in? no probs, and I’ll tell you why. 

If your sauce is reducing too much, or it’s too tight, add pasta water. It’s salted and hot and ready to go, it won’t dilute the flavor at all, you’re golden duude. golden. 

Finish your pasta in the sauce, allow it to become homogenous, let the sauce stick to the pasta, BECOME ONE WITH THE PASTA BRUH. 

Add cheese last, because cheese get’s weird and fucked up in hot pans, so it’s best to throw that on right before you’re ready to eat that shit up. 

4 oz is a normal serving size for pasta. If you don’t have a scale, that’s basically like the first pic above. If you hold the pasta like such, and the width of the bunch is a little smaller than an american quarter, then ur good 2 go bruh. 

Dry pastas are not better/worse than fresh pasta. They’re legit just made with different flours using different procedures. One isn’t ‘fancier’ than the other u pretentious buttrockets. 

PASTA IS NOT SCARY, IT’S DELICIOUS. These rules look tough, but honestly it’s not that bad bruh. I believe in u. 

and now, onto the recipe I used for my pasta. It’s a restaurant favorite, we always make it on the line because it’s simple, delicious and super filling. 

~

Caciopepe Pasta serves: 1 (lol like id share this with ppl lolol) -

Ingredients-

salt water for boiling (just salt some water, don’t fuckin travel to the beach in hopes of created the most bomb pasta ever)

1 bunch of pasta

2 bay leaves

1 sprig thyme

cold butter (approximately 2/3 cups cut into small pads

parmesan cheese to taste

a shit ton of black pepper to taste

-

Procedure-

Throw some pasta into some boiling water and do that thing where you constantly taste test the pasta to see if it’s ready. In the meantime, make ur sauce u lazy bumbum.

Add a little boiling pasta water to a saute pan over low heat, and whisk/mix in the butter quickly till it’s creamy and emulsified. If it’s too thick, just whisk in a teeny bit of pasta water. Add 2 bay leaves and a sprig of thyme for aroma, remove when pasta’s ready. 

Once the pasta’s ready to rock and roll, use tongs to scoop it up and place it in the sauce. Flip and mix using tongs. Add cheese and crack a lot of pepper. Add salt if it needs seasoning, add more pasta water if the sauce tightens.

and bam, ya ready to roll. 

~ I promise u if you use these pasta techniques, people will think ur literally a GOD. ur welcs.