Hopefully I Can Sleep Tonight.

what is the most 'nothing' you can be? human is too much, animal is still something, a robot would be neat, but those are manmade and would be bound to have issues of their own.

i guess there's ghosts, but who knows how that works. it'd be nice if you could just endlessly wander like a spectator mode for life. just observe everything.

although, you might get bored of that eventually.

Disliking something that a large majority of people love is a feeling I can never seem to get past. I will spend hours upon hours trying to understand why on earth I struggle enjoying a piece of media that is so widely loved. "Everyone likes (x) and I don't, so do I just not understand it? Am I too stupid to enjoy this?" is typically my first thought process. This leads to me trying my hardest to get as invested as I can, to really experience that piece of media to a definitively absurd extent.

For example, I have nearly 1,000 hours invested into Terraria and have even 100% the game's achievements (well, before the last update that added a few more). Of course, some of this time is also from much older versions of the game and time obtained through the years since I first started playing during 1.1 on mobile, shortly later getting the PC version on 1.2. Video games were not common for young me to have, so a lot of playtime was likely simply due to it being one of the few games I owned. Even then however, I'd never actually 'beat' the game until a few patches into 1.3. My experience with Terraria has been filled with hours of grinding, attempting bosses MANY times, and a general difficulty to even see what is happening on my screen as everything visually melts together. Not to mention being interrupted by random events, forcing me to stop whatever I'm doing to get involved since who knows when I'll be able to do that event again. The other difficulties available as well, namely Expert, feels downright sadistic forcing me to grind even more to give me even somewhat of a reasonable chance of survival. I could keep going, but I think I've made my point.

Even after all of that, I still feel like I'm simply missing something. Some magical single puzzle piece that'd make everything click into place and make go "Oh! Now I get it! This is amazing!".

From the labyrinthian nightmares of classic Doom (and similar 90s fps) to the surprisingly stressful experience I had with Spirited Away, I can't help but feel like I'm just...broken in a way that prevents me from enjoying things that thousands of other people enjoy. I feel alien.

i am actively avoiding things i like and going back to things i don't.

why

i am horrified to be myself

i am scared of what others would think of me

i am holding so much of myself back, and i've been doing so for so long

trying to break that fear, i feel like there came a point where i was no longer keeping things hidden, but actively forgetting them

how do i regain what i've lost?

please don't follow me.

thanks.

i don't feel comfortable in my house

i don't want to simply be told that everything will be okay. that's meaningless to me. just empty words.

i need everything to be soundly proven it will be okay, without a shadow of a doubt.

but with so many spiraling thoughts in my head, it's a fight against my mind you'll never win.

i'll never win.

i'm going to spiral forever.

i'm going to feel sick forever.

i'm going to be scared forever.

calling for help is still instinctual, even if i know it's meaningless.

i don't know what else to do.

i hate money

every single purchase feels like a massive task no matter how small. i even feel cautious about gifts as i don't want people spending money on me.

the only time people spending money on me is "okay", is like, christmas. i'm not too keen on my birthday generally so yeah only christmas. even then it's still like, weird for me.

i can't buy things i need or want, not because i don't have the money, but because number go down. i feel like if the number goes down even a little it's massively negative thing. i feel like the only time it should go down is for things i don't have much of a choice in.

i envy other people's childhoods

that's not to say there were some good bits to my own, but those good bits could have still existed anyway.

and i know a 'normal' childhood still wouldn't have been possible, given my autism and all.

but at least there would have been an attempt where i didn't live sheltered in constant fear of everything and maybe people cared for my disability (and even knew of it) instead of yelling at me.

i'm still scared.

i fucking hate sonic.exe and any sort of creepypasta that takes some form of kid's media and royally fucks it up in a similar way.

i saw sonic.exe and the tails doll shit when i was little and that shit scared me so bad i didn't play a sonic game for a couple of years. even just looking at the normal versions of the characters spurred those memories of the stupid fucking creepypastas in my head.