“We Never Believe We’re Beautiful, No Matter How Many Times We Hear It. We Never Believe It Until

i live in the memories of the abuse and i truly don’t think i’ll ever get out

front yard

i vividly remember the first time i listened to it. it was in sixth, or seventh grade and i was browsing youtube looking for music to fall asleep to, and i found a 3 hour loop of gymnopédie no. 1 with rain in the background and i fell asleep to it for months. when i first listened to it, it was like i was removed from my body, and put into the music. i felt so fluid, nothing existed outside of my headphones and the piano. it brought me peace in the most violent years of my life,and i cannot tell you how deeply i needed the sanctuary this song provided me. gymnopédie no. 1 will forever hold such a sacred place in my heart

anyway no one fucks with gymnopédie no. 1 like i do

catching myself lying again

the reality of my impurity bleeds through the screen of my irreproachable facade

is this who i really am?

I’ve lost so much of my fervor for life in such a short amount of time, and I was already grasping at straws for hope.

I find myself feeling so devastatingly numb and defeated, and if I don’t feel anything, I feel everything that’s wrong with me. Something happened these past few weeks, something set off something inside of me, but I have no idea what could have caused this.

I still love those around me, I will to the grave, however I am so exhausted. I’m trying so hard, and I’ve completely given up at the same time.

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know

What I’d give to feel anything but this

I’m waiting for a savior that will never come

I wish Jesus was real so badly

I live for passion bro

Genuinely I love the art of passion with my whole heart. To love, or be so devoted to something that is makes your whole body light up with the spur of the soul, is so intimate and so, so beautiful.

For a long time I thought passion lied in romantic relationships, but as I grow older I realize that it is so much bigger than that. Romance is not even in the forefront of my passion. However, I do love passionately. I love my friends, I love my family, I love the arts, and I love them so, so intensely. My drive for life is simply my passion for connection, and learning more about myself and the world around me.

I love everything I think. And I am so grateful for the opportunity to be able to do so.

Suns out. flowers are blooming. birds are chirping. yaoi shit is happening to me. maybe it'll all be ok

I am so jealous of those who have hope. I am so envious of those who continue to search for light when everything around them is enveloped in darkness. I wish I could see something in me that would make me believe in a future for myself. When I think about the future, it is nothingness. A void, an old, empty blackboard with no chalk to write anything new. I can’t see past falling asleep with the metallic scent of blood lingering, I can’t see past going to bed with sore eyes, I can’t see past waking up with nothing but heavy shoulders, and I can’t see past spending every waking moment aching. I am so scared this all leads to nothing. I am so scared that I will be nothing.

I feel like I am wasting every second of my life, I feel like I have dissected myself into nothing but a disordered mess, acutely aware of my flaws and bad habits, with nothing to rectify my sins. I feel like I’m just wearing down everyone and everything around me. My violence is slowly creeping its way to center stage, and everyone sees it. People see how destructive I am. I feel like I break everything I touch, a perverted Midas.

And this is all very selfish of me, I am sorry for this. Spilling over, asking for more. I always want more and more and more. I want too much, and that is my tragedy.

“idgaf” “i’m winning the idgaf war”

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO GIVE A FUCK!! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO CARE!! YOU DON’T HAVE TO PRETEND!! SOMETIMES WE ARE TENDER FOR THE WRONG PEOPLE BUT WE HAVE TO MOVE ON!! BE VULNERABLE AND MOVE ON!!