Mary Oliver

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Gentle Spirit

yeah

i wanna lay under my blanket and die

TW: mention of suicide attempt

My therapist is proud of me!

This was the first time she explicitly told me how proud she is of me and how far I've come.

While I've had a lot of people tell me that they're proud of me but somehow, hearing this from someone who knows me a lot differently than others, knows all those things that I refuse to share with others, understands my thought process, it just made all the difference.

As she was telling me about the growth I've had, I couldn't hold back the tears.

She told me that I seemed more confident, sure of myself and stronger than ever before. It was really overwhelming.

I'm really glad to have found her and to have come so far. From attempting to take my own life last year to not depending on anyone for my happiness and being content with my life as it is. It's been one hell of a journey and I'm just happy to be alive to experience this.

Never give up, you'll get there eventually.

This. Oh man, this.

Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

— Fernando Pessoa, from “The Book of Disquiet.”

I'm so sick of these destructive defense mechanisms that do protect me from getting hurt but at the same time trigger the fear of abandonment, because of which I employ these mechanisms in the first place.

What the fuck.

Too many insights. Too many realizations. Long way to go. Sit tight. 🫠

I'm tired of this ritual

again I write with disdain,

my heart is heavy with sorrow

perpetually drowning in pain.

Anger bursts inside of me as fire crackers under the moonlight, with a cackle first and then a battle cry.