Some Union Basics:

Tao: This is my girlfriend, Elle. She’s talented, beautiful, powerful, and amazing.

Nick: This is my boyfriend, Charlie. He’s adorable, smart, wonderful, and I’d die for him.

Tara: This is my girlfriend, Darcy. She’s not allowed in public by herself anymore.

Something about I'm not over it, not over her...

and

The things that make you sad, am I one of them?

And the opening Pepa offered Eddie, that she didn't get it right the first time, either. "Right" being the forever love that Eddie's heart so clearly longs for.

Sometimes it takes three tries to get it right.

I'm still chewing on this, but there's something about how Eddie believes that in order to accept his love for Buck — to allow himself permission to love Buck — he would have to regret Shannon. And Christopher. Loving Buck would mean he never loved Shannon, shouldn't ever have been with her, therefore no Christopher. Which is such an unacceptable, alien concept, Eddie stays stuck.

But Pepa offered him a different view. Sometimes, it takes three tries to get it right. And all those "tries" are part of the process. Eddie is learning that he gets to hold all of it, that he doesn't have to choose. That Shannon's ghost — not her death but their life together — and Christopher and his forever love with Buck? All of them are part of who Eddie is — part of his heart — and always will be.

It's all very queer awakening in adulthood. Eddie is about to set himself free and finally allow his heart to have what it wants. What a wondrous thing to behold.

*Trigger Warnings: Details and Descriptions of su*c*d* attempt, su*c*d*l ideations, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, drug use, guilt, anxiety, bipolar depression, PTSD symptoms, eating disorder, passive aggressive humor.* Sunday, May 28th, 2023 Part 7

12:06pm

So yeah, I tried to kill myself. Emphasis on “tried”. I packed up all my shit, so that you and Gem wouldn’t have to touch it or look at it. I took those pills, all of those pills, because I couldn’t and still can’t cut myself. And, I waited in an alley 2 blocks from your apartment in the biting cold for 3 hours, so I wouldn’t die in the apartment, your home.

That slap must hurt, doesn’t it?

Then… nothing.

Nothing happened happened that is. I waited 3 hours, watching Steven Universe to leave with my last chance at happiness and nothing fucking happened. “Oh well”, I thought.

So, I got up, walked back to the apartment, called an ambulance because I took a shit ton of medication that was going to do something other than k*ll me. Went to the hospital, told them not to call you for a few hours because I didn’t care to. The drugs kicked in and I was high out of my mind, couldn’t even walk by myself (HA! LOL), and then… there you were.

I only remember two bits from that conversation. 1.) That you got me food because I realized I hadn’t eaten in however long I was there. And 2.), That you were kicking me out, said I couldn’t come back, that first you felt guilt that switched to anger, that you're "shipping me back to my mom", that what would I think if Gem found me dead in my room, and what would it be like for you both to have to find a new place. And I said, “I’m sorry”.

And I still have more sorry's to give. I know that what I just said was hurtful and unfair and completely victimizing myself, even if it is my side of the story. I’m so sorry for that. Genuinely, I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry that me arriving came at a time, where you and Gem were struggling with new jobs and the eventual lawsuit possibility. I’m sorry that I was another person with damaged mental health added to your household, when you felt like you were the only one keeping everyone afloat. I’m sorry that I never just told you the truth, my truth. Of how I was feeling and how much I was struggling.

I’m sorry that things never went the way we expected. I’m sorry for not being there for you and Gem, the way you both were for me. I’m sorry that I “fed off the energy in the space” and “exacerbated what was already in the space”. I’m sorry for not seeing the obvious signs that you both needed space.

I’m so sorry for not being able to leave the house or eat without being told. I’m so sorry for not being able to find an out-patient program or a job fast enough. I’m so sorry for making you be my one and only protector and supporter.

I’m so sorry for becoming your and Gem’s suffering, instead of just my own.

I’m so sorry for putting myself in your hands when you weren’t prepared.

I’m so sorry for making you take responsibility for me.

I’m so sorry for sharing more with Gem than with you.

I’m so sorry for not making my choice to say, “Yes, I’ll come stay with you”, shown and worth it.

I’m… so sorry… for putting you and Gem through the trauma of me attempting su*c*d*, and the strain that must have caused.

I’m.

So.

Sorry…

For Everything.

Part 1 -- Part 2 -- Part 3 -- Part 4 -- Part 5 -- Part 6

i don't want to make this month about discourse, because most discourse is arbitrary and pointless at best, and self-destructive and dangerous at worst. but happy pride month to all queer people in the community that have been targets of exclusion, abuse, or erasure by certain jerks in the community.

trans people, intersex people, black queers, aces/aros, mspecs, neopronoun users, xenogender people, transhets, gnc queer people, multigender people, people who use microlabels, mspec lesbians/gays, polyamorous people, queers with split attraction, and any other groups who have been targets of abuse, exclusion, or erasure by other queer people who should have had their backs.

i don't need to tell you that you're valid because it's not for me or anyone else to decide that your way of describing yourself is "invalid." you are the only person who can label yourself in a way that is fulfilling to you- and if that means not labelling yourself at all, that's great too! but i love you. i'm proud of you for existing, despite the fact that you have to deal with some queer exclusionists hating you on top of the queermisia from non-queers. your existence is beautiful. your queerness is beautiful. be proud of yourself, because you deserve to be.

love you. have a wonderful month, because you deserve to celebrate it just as much as every other queer person <3

and to the exclusionists in question: you don't get to blame the rest of us for hating you when you help make queer spaces unsafe for queer people. worrying about how other queer people identify is such a waste of time, because they're going to identify that way no matter what you think. your opinions on other peoples' validity means absolutely nothing. you are wasting valuable time that you could be using to be proud of your own queerness instead of reveling in your misery about other queer people daring to exist in a way you don't like. so try changing and growing as a person and stop spending all of your time worrying about what other gay people are doing.

*Trigger Warnings: Mentions of physical abuse, mental abuse, parental abuse, verbal abuse, manipulation, PTSD symptoms, anger, and anxiety.*

Saturday, Feb. 11th, 2023

9:55pm

Today has been so difficult. Well, really just the past few hours, but still. My family and I went to the store for shopping and groceries. I had an amazing haul of clothes from Wal-Mart (it was so good!!!), but it was filled with anxiety and self-doubt. It took me a really long time to calm myself down from that, which I am really beating myself up over. However, the main thing that has me upset is after we got home, where my younger siblings and I had to rearrange the room for our other brother, Anthony, to come back home.

My sisters needed to clean out from under their beds in order for me to move them to make space for Anthony’s bed. It took them literally 2 hours to do it, and it was not only frustrating, but unnecessary. I was put in charge of “managing this project”, and they made the process take so much longer than it had to (4 HOURS!!!). Plus, James (my step-father) had to keep receiving “updates” or involving himself every 30 minutes, which made it even more difficult. The girls just kept making excuses, getting distracted, or asking me redundant questions, and I was running out of patience. It takes so much energy to deal with them, and it just has to be my responsibility to micro-manage them.

My problem is that I am constantly the fall-back for James, and my mom supports it. Not only did I have to “run this project”, but James had the audacity to say that he’s “giving” me the responsibility of supervising the kids regularly clean the room. I have raised those kids in his stead. He hasn’t been a parent to them, he’s rather paying child support and free-loading around the house than actually stepping up. He stays in his room, keeps to himself, and uses us as free labor.

I’m not their parent! I shouldn’t have to look after them the way that I do. I am consistently present with them, checking on them, teaching them, helping them, feeding them, and he does none of that. It’s not fair to me, and I can’t even draw a boundary to separate myself from it. I get sucked back into parenting them to where I literally can’t make time or space for myself. 

There’s a reason that I don’t come home that often. This household and this family is a trap.

James and I were talking the other day, about a couple of things. He repeatedly said that he’s an “observer” and “picks up on the things he sees”. It’s so full of shit. He asked me why I never come home and why I’ve been gone for so long (3 years for college), and I had to scramble for a half-truth to save my skin and give him such a vague answer. That it’s because growing up here in this area was rough. He’s so perceptive, but can’t see that the problem stems from HIM. His abuse and how inactive he is as a father and how he walks around as if he’s a king.

I stayed away to avoid him, and being here now is just as hard as I thought it would be. I hate interacting with him, I’m tired of the anxiety from being around him, and I hate how he treats me. You know, he was like, “I can see that you’re pretty responsible, so I wanted to ask if you want to be back on our car insurance?”. Why do you even feel the need to comment on my responsibility? I’ve been responsible for years and it’s not a show for your approval, and has absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s patronizing and belittling. I’m an adult now, I want to be treated like one, and I’m going to treat myself with responsibility. Yes, I’m back living at home, but I’m clearly pulling my own weight by buying the groceries for the whole household each week. And, so much more. So much more!

I’m not your solution to your issues of being a neglectful, abusive parent. I’m not an in-home nanny, a maid, or a butler that caters to your every request. It’s not my responsibility to cover your tracks and then, be a stand-in for you, because you are too tired from work or annoyed or because you want to “watch your football”. Those aren’t my kids, they’re my siblings. And, it’s miserable. I just… can’t take it.

I’m literally draining myself for this family, and I can’t ever have the time or space to myself to recover, because it’s constantly filled with their needs and wants.

I’m exhausted, and I want it to stop. Please.

submitting yourself to the mortifying ordeal of getting put into an headlock (hug) and noogie’d by your best friend (love of your life) in order to enjoy the rewards of feeling loved (and arm)

love love love how they fleshed out prince eric's character in the live-action film. they make him relatable af, especially with his 'search for identity being hindered by a loving-yet-smothering parental figure' arc. they make him feel like an Actual Person with his own wants and needs and silly quirks instead of the satellite love interest they portrayed him as in the animated film. what's more, they actually show us why and how ariel fell so hard so fast for him in the first place. plus it just makes me really happy thinking about how now that they they're working on their happily ever after together, eric can learn as much as he wants about the seven seas and ariel can learn everything her heart desires about the human world and they'll just have such a good time discovering new treasures together UGH this movie wasn't perfect but the character development was very much *chef's kiss*

“When people bicker, it is said to arise from the depths of lakes to becalm violent hearts.”

Artist

Buck: Wait, if baby oil dissolves condoms, what does it do to babies?

Bobby: Believe it or not, babies and condoms are made of different materials.

Eddie: It’s like rock paper scissors. Baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby.

Chim: Rock also defeats baby.

The ship The shipper

Grimsby said Team Ariel when he kicked that ring. 😂✌🏼