Sisyphus Is Just How Having Ana-bp Feels Lol

Part of me wants to get better so badly, whereas on the other hand I want to get as bad as possible

as much as im the main factor of my downfall into this disorder i really hope one day i can recover and truly love myself as i am

I just want to sit next to the field leaning on her on a cool summer evening with a slight breeze allowing for light jackets and the music, chatter and light of the party we escaped from somewhere in the distance.

I want to hold her hand and taste the evening air and finally LIVE

Imagining, craving all that is so painful knowing I'm fat, thinking that all of the romance will be taken from that moment when all I can feel is myself jiggling as a fat blob next to her

I don't want feeling fat to overshadow what could be so many beautiful moments, because my body has taken so many of these from me

I just want to feel comfortable taking off my jacket to drape it around her shoulders instead of using it to cover my thighs and belly

That's the true reason I've got to be skinny until summer, heck, now, as soon as possible.

To me it kind of feels like I won't truly live until I'm skinny. That right now, there is still a wall I need to cross until I'm "on the other side" or something, when my life can finally begin.

I'm going to the store after school today yay :D

I think I'm just going to buy some protein bars and sf energy drinks and gum... I may buy some corn/rice cakes as well and look for new safe foods in general, if I have time... Man, I haven't been shopping like this in a while and I'm more excited than grocery shopping probblably justifies to be lol

Any suggestions on what else I could look for?

my week has been going well but then today I ate some biscuits.... which were like 500 cals.

I feel so fucking guilty now and I'm going to have to have dinner with my family later, and tomorrow is my friend's birthday and she loves food and it's Saturday so I'll have to eat two meals instead of one, and none of that would be so bad had I not fucksed up today

I thought I WANTED a proper balanced meal filling me up, getting rid of the headache and dizziness and giving me energy.

Turns out all I NEEDED was some coffee and a sf Monster

I had my first strawberries these time of year. They were fucking huge and juicy and so, so red and they reminded me of that huge ass banana I had the other day.

Fruit are so fucking good they're like my candy

(I don't even like that packaged junk anymore, but now when I crave it's oats and yoghurt and honey and - thankfully - fruit, which is still super easy to binge on, even if it's healthier)

Saturdays are always bad for me food wise

Not only do I have to eat at least two of the meals my family cook, but then I'm also at home most of the time and around food, and that becomes especially difficult when I have work to do I don't particularly enjoy.

I feel so fucking pathetic for this though but I'll have to find something that works for me, somehow.

I feel so much more fat being on edblr and edtwt when I’m not underweight

having a good relationship with food is nice, but being skinny is nicer