I Mean, That's Actually Quite Accurate Lol

Dad announced we'd barbecue later 😬

Wish me luck please

Hello!

I'm E. I kind of got a lot of interests and then none at all, but my hobbies are music (especially Cello and singing), art sometimes, science, movies and shows, Hermitcraft and my ed.

It's what I'll be posting about mainly, so dni if you aren't fine with seeing content about eating disorders. I'll probably talk about self harm as well.

By the way, my languages are English and German, so even though I'd say I'm relatively fluent in English, errors can still happen, soooo do be forgiving I guess :)

This is a shitty intro post and I might update it later, but I'm lazy af so who knows if that'll actually ever happen.

Always looking for mutuals! :D

Stats below cut

Height: 173 cm (5.8ft)

Hw/Sw: 70.4kg (155lbs)

Cw: 65.6kg (144lbs)

Gw: 65.0kg (143lbs)

Gw: 60.0kg (132lbs)

Gw: 55.5kg (122lbs)

Gw: 50.0kg (110lbs)

Let me know if I messed up with the imperial units lol

Soooo these busy days I mentioned are over and I have in fact reached my lowest weight since summer! It's probably not that impressive but I am incredibly happy still. (And yes, I am in fact absolutely drained but I did have fun, I'm just so tired now 🥲)

Now I have this Sunday to get through, then a week of school when restricting will be easy of course, but then I'll have two weeks off due to Eastern....

I guess I'll really have to bury myself in work and exercise then and not give myself the chance to eat anything besides the meals I'll have to eat with my family.

Breakfast I should always be able to skip, dinner too I could say I take to my room to eat there because of school work or something, and then lunch I'll just have to always help preparing so I know exactly what we'll eat and so I can make at least my serving lower in calories.

Maybe I'll also have to resort to the sad Pinterest ana meals with half a cucumber and egg whites, because my parents don't seem to know an awful lot about nutrition, and as long as I eat anything they tend to not raise an eyebrow.

(No hate on these kind of meals, they're really a game changer, but since I tend to do OMAD and a small snack, I just really like to make my meals more colorful and more interesting)

I'll also have more time to exercise, then I know of two days on which I can fast, because we'll be travelling to my Grandma, and for a couple of days only my Dad and I will be home, and I have a feeling that will make not eating/eating low-cal meals even easier.

(Partly because the chance someone is going to be in the kitchen when I want to measure out my food will be lower lol)

I just want to sit next to the field leaning on her on a cool summer evening with a slight breeze allowing for light jackets and the music, chatter and light of the party we escaped from somewhere in the distance.

I want to hold her hand and taste the evening air and finally LIVE

Imagining, craving all that is so painful knowing I'm fat, thinking that all of the romance will be taken from that moment when all I can feel is myself jiggling as a fat blob next to her

I don't want feeling fat to overshadow what could be so many beautiful moments, because my body has taken so many of these from me

I just want to feel comfortable taking off my jacket to drape it around her shoulders instead of using it to cover my thighs and belly

That's the true reason I've got to be skinny until summer, heck, now, as soon as possible.

Okay. Just because I've always been fat or chubby or "average" doesn't mean it has to stay this way forever.

I'm in a love-hate relationship with my scars

Maybe locking in starts with simply logging my calories on my app, instead of trying to pretend it didn't happen or "it wasn't that bad".

Yes, I binged, yes, I feel like a piece of shit but I can always draw the line.

I may gain weight today, but I can stay determined during the week and make a realistic plan for the weekend and actually stick to it.

I shouldn't deny my mistakes or wallow in self pity, but rather use them as a reminder what I am actually fighting for and what kind of behaviours even made me (partly) start doing this in the first place, and I can learn from my mistakes. Honestly I'm motivated to take on this week, even if I completely fucked up this weekend, or maybe especially because of that.

Guys im so angry, because I just ate a protein bar as I always do a little while before eating dinner with my family (so I feel more full and won't stuff myself) and then headed off to orchestra practice but then my mom called after me to take my keys with me because...... My parents won't be there this evening.

Meaning I could've easily fasted until tomorrow evening but noo I had to eat that stupid protein bar.

It's fine; I can just run the calories off but it'll still be that I have eaten when I could've stayed hungry 🥲

Now I WOULD definitely OMAD a bottle of wine