A Liquid-filled Furby Keychain Was Listed On Primark.com/de-at And Primark.com/fr-be

So the "don't call trans women dude" discourse is back on my dash, and I just read something that might explain why it's such a frustrating argument for everyone involved.

TLDR: There's gender-cultural differences that explain why people are arguing about this- and a reason it hurts trans women more than you might think if you were raised on the other side of the cultural divide.

I'll admit, I used to be very much on team "I won't call you 'dude' if it feels like misgendering, but also I don't really grok why it feels like I'm misgendering you, especially if I'm not addressing you directly." But then I read an academic paper that really unpicked how people used the word 'dude' (it's Kiesling (2004) if you're curious) and I realized that the way I was taught to use the word was different from the way most trans women were taught.

... So the thing about the word 'dude' that's really interesting is that it's used differently a) by people of different genders and b) across gender lines. This study is, obviously, 20 years old, but a lot of the conclusions hold up. The gist is, there's ~5 different ways that people use the word "dude":

marking discourse structure- AKA separating thoughts. You can use the word 'dude' to signal that you're changing the subject or going on a different train of thought.

exclamation. You can use the word "dude" the way you'd use another interjection like "oh my god" or "god damn".

confrontational stance mitigation. When you're getting in an argument with someone, you can address them as 'dude' to de-escalate. If you're both the same gender, it's homosocial bonding. If you're different genders, it's an attempt to weaken the gender-related power dynamic.

marking affiliation and connection. Kiesling calls this 'cool solidarity'- the idea is, "I'm a dude, you're a dude. We're just guys being dudes." This is often a greeting or a form of address (aka directly calling someone dude).

signaling agreement. "Dude, you are soooo right", kind of deal.

Now, here's the important part.

When [cis] men use the word 'dude', they are overwhelmingly using it as a form of address to mark affiliation and connection- "hey, we're all bros here, dude"- to mitigate a confrontational stance, or to signal agreement.

When [cis] women use the word 'dude', they're often commiserating about something bad (and marking affiliation/connection), mitigating a confrontational stance, or giving someone a direct order. (Anecdotally, I'd guess cis women also use it as an exclamation - this is how I most often use it.)

Cis men use the word 'dude' to say 'we're all guys here'. It is a direct form of male bonding. If a cis man uses the word 'dude' in your presence, he is generally calling you one of the guys.

Cis women use the word 'dude' to say 'we're on the same level as you; we're peers'- especially to de-escalate an argument with a cis man. Between women, it's an expression of ~cool solidarity~; when a woman's addressing a man, it's a way to say 'I'm as good as you, knock it off'.

So you've got this cultural difference, depending on how you were raised and where you spent time in your formative years. If you were assigned female at birth, you're probably used to thinking of the word 'dude' as something that isn't a direct form of address- and, if you're addressing it to someone you see as a girl, you're probably thinking of it as 'cool solidarity'! You're not trying to tell the person you're talking to that they're a man- you're trying to convey that they're a cool person that you relate to as a peer.

Meanwhile, if you were assigned male at birth and spent your teens surrounded by cis guys, you're used to thinking of 'dude' as an expression of "we're all guys here", and specifically as homosocial male bonding. Someone using the word 'dude' extensively in your presence, even if they're not calling you 'dude' directly, feels like they're trying to put you in the Man Box, regardless of how they mean it.*

So what you get is this horrible, neverending argument, where everyone's lightly triggered and no one's happy.

The takeaway here: Obviously, don't call people things they don't want to be called, regardless of gender! But no one in this argument is coming to it in bad faith.

If you were raised as a cis woman and you're using the word the way a cis woman is, it is a gender-neutral term for you (with some subconscious gendered connotations you might not have realized). But if you were raised as a cis man and you're using the word the way a cis man uses it, the word dude is inherently gendered.

Don't pick this fight; it's as pointless as a French person and an American person arguing whether cheek kisses are an acceptable greeting. To one person, they might be. To another person, they aren't. Accept that your worldview is different, move on, and again, don't call people things they don't want to be called.

*(There is, of course, also the secret third thing, where someone who is trying to misgender a trans woman uses the word 'dude' to a trans woman the way they'd use it to a man. This absolutely happens. But I think the other dynamic is the reason we keep having this argument.)

r/bropill remains my favorite place on the internet

ALIEN: ROMULUS (2024) - Production Design by Naaman Marshall

he needs enrichment

also a poem from the new, unreleased collection. very possibly my own all-time favourite.

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there's something so reassuring about seeing you so openly outspoken in the past few days

there's comfort in a queer protective front

We are all in this together and we have more support than you know. Check this out from today in London:

Theresa's a pretty well known trans woman around here. But when I arrived, the protest was already in all the roads. Busses couldn't go anywhere. The police were trying to kettle but they couldn't do it. In the end, we had to start marching. Legal observers were everywhere, and I watched two chase some CSPOs carrying a camera to intercept. (Big up to legal observers, it's a voluntary role taken to by solicitors, lawyers and barristers, and they are legends.) Trans people and their allies ground the capital city of the UK to a halt.

The media will blackout and minimise today as much as possible. But if you're ever feeling like the LGBT community has no support, I urge you to go to a protest.

I'm reminded of what historian Dominic Sandbrook said if the so-called 1960s sexual revolution in the UK, that it was "in the newspapers not people's bedrooms". That most people remained sexually and socially conservative despite what 60s and 70s media would have you believe. Evidenced in 1983 when a poll reported only 17% of people saw homosexual relationships as acceptable despite it being decriminalised in 1967 (as a product of the belief the state had no right to interfere in people's private lives, not an increase of social acceptance).

But anyway! My point is: the media crafts the narrative it wants in order to sell. It fucking lies about what is really happening and it always has. UK media would have you believe we are "TERF Island", which, ok, we have JKKK Rowling and Maya Forstater (barf), et al, but the British people? Not lost yet.

I never expected to get to thirty. The LGBT community helped me make it, so every year after I owe to them. I may not have all the right phrases, words, attitudes, whatever, but I will throw down in an instant for the community. No quarter. We got this.