Bart: What's Even On The Geneva Convention Anyway?

Tim: If I got dipped in the Lazarus pit, it would be over for you guys.

Damian: I highly doubt that.

Tim: You would be the first to go.

Dick:

Dick: Tim, what do you mean by 'go'...

Tim:

Dick: TIM WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY GO

The stupidity when meeting an AU of you

Idiot to Idiot communication

‘He can’t be trusted because there’s no thought behind his eyes’ is AMAZING.

the idea of leo being able to read people incredibly easy and not trusting usagi bc of that is so funny, he wants to kiss him but cannot trust him bc there isnt a single thought behind those eyes

he's the face man for a reason. real good judge of character. just wasnt prepared for yuichi usagi

Jason: what? No!

Tim: why not? If B’s not here then I should be allowed to do things too.

Jason: wait-no- what?

Tim: We can't kill him! What would Batman say!

Jason: Batman's not here.

Tim: Excellent point, hand me the gun

in fics where luke gets plopped into the prequels i want every jedi within ten metres of him to think hes the weirdest jedi theyve ever seen. he has negative lightsaber form. he doesnt know what a kata is. he handstands when he meditates. his solution to sith is to try and have a chat. hes a political radical who keeps suggesting revolution. you ask him what the jedi code is and he says "kindness and compassion and helping those in need :) ". you ask how he used the force like that and he says some shit about how you are a luminous being limited only by your mind. the councils authority is just a suggestion. he is somehow the new favourite of both qui gon and yoda

Star Wars AU where the council time travels back to when Obi-Wan was still an itty-bitty baby initiate. Including, you know. Council Member Obi-Wan Kenobi. So they’re all in their younger bodies and talking with the current non-time traveling members of the council, and they’re like “hold on, we got one more coming in”

And in walks in like. Nine year old Initiate Obi-Wan, all chubby-cheeked with fluffy bright red hair, and giant blue eyes.

Just. Their faces, okay?

Now keep in mind I want the council to always be Up To Shenanigans. I’m talking like 2015 Avengers tower found family era fics okay, they’re one big family and Obi-Wan is now super officially The Baby and literally nothing he does will ever stop that again. And despite everything, every single council member is, at heart, incredibly petty in that special Jedi family way and are so ready to not be dealing with a war Right This Very Minute.

What I keep picturing is Baby-Wan wiggling his way into a chair, situating himself Very Regally, then clasping his hands in classic Negotiator style, then speaking up with the Most Serious Of Tiny Baby Voices as the main spokesperson on the Council Of Petty Time Travelers

I just want to see people not in the know

I want Jedi of all ages witnessing Jedi masters, councilmen and women, long lived and wisest of the Jedi, coming to the crèche to visit tiny lil Baby-Wan about his opinions on current events and how they should handle this treaty and also when are you free I want to test my soresu

I just think it’d be funny

Tim is a Snake in Griffins clothing and it would do everyone well to not forget that, less you end up with a sword in your back.

Jason: So. Talia just called.

Jason: Anyone want to tell me why Ra's just had the Joker killed as a training exercise for his newer ninjas?

Tim, who casually mentioned to Ra's that Joker was higher on his list of annoyances than he was so that he could have him eliminated without getting his hands dirty: 👀👀👀

Time Travel is my favourite trope and I think we need more fics where both Obi-Wan AND Qui-Gon time travel together because no matter when they get sent it's chaos. They're saving the galaxy and being physic flash-bangs to everyone around them.

like before Bandomeer?

The entire council is baffled to watch as Qui-Gon 'never taking a padawan again' Jinn has suddenly cut off his post-Xanatos depression tour to return to the temple and beeline to the creche with a frantic energy. His wild eyes immediately single out a fluffy, red-haired initiate.

"You." he exhales with a pointed finger, slightly ominous as he towers over the child. Said child starts vibrating with delight. "Me." he agrees, launching himself at the man. Qui-Gon drops to his knees with a thud that cannot be healthy. Obi-Wan's attempts to clamber into Qui-Gon's robes and maybe onto his shoulders is thwarted by the fact that Qui-Gon's massive hands are cupping Obi-Wan's tiny squishy cheeks. He stares at the initiate for a few minutes with an intensity that is starting to worry people.

Finally, "You're so small." Qui-Gon sounds like he might cry.

'What the fuck?' Plo Koon projects at Mace.

"I'm 9! That tends to be the case!" the child chirps back.

"You're nine." Oh. Ah. Qui-Gon's eyes are distinctively misty. He squishes the boy in a hug so hard he squeaks. Mace makes a series of gestures that imply the need for a head-scan. Depa obligingly drifts off towards the halls. Qui-Gon scoops the child up onto his hip and claims him as his padawan on the spot. The assorted council members and creche-masters burst into noise. Mace tells Depa to bring some space ibuprofen as well.

after Naboo?

Anakin is a little apprehensive of his place in both the order and Obi-Wan's life, but then one day Obi-Wan wakes up and is suddenly a lot less sad in the force?? In fact, if Anakin didn't know better he'd say he was almost giddy, but he's watched Obi-Wan try to pretend his world hasn't fallen apart for the past few months so it can't be that, right? And um, Miss Bant? He knows grief is a funny thing that affects people differently but he's pretty sure 'massive mood swing' and 'having full conversations with invisible people' is not...great? and you said to tell you if Obi-Wan got really weird in any way.

Anyway after a lot of medical exams, intense consultation with the archives, and a couple exorcisms, Anakin ends up being raised by his 'real' master and his ghost master. He is far more well adjusted emotionally and far less well adjusted for what counts as normal people behavior(not talking to thin air). When questioned on this, all he ever says is that he's talking to Qui-Gon. Isn't he...dead? Well, yes. Wait, he's a ghost? Ghosts are real? ...Well this ghost is real.

This starts a great number of existential crises among non-force sensitives and incredibly heated theological arguments amongst the Jedi. Whenever Obi-Wan is questioned on this, all he ever says is some variation of "the force got to know him for 5 seconds and kicked him back out." Mace backs him up on this even though that reasoning is technically blasphemous. Qui-Gon is having the time of his un-life. He's ascended to his final form, his sheer existence is a heresy, this is truly all he has ever aspired towards.

the Clone Wars?

The minute they get dropped back Qui-Gon immediately goes and haunts the shit out of Dooku. They have a signed terms of surrender and promise of info on the Sith Lord within the year. Only half of it is because Qui-Gon's giving Dooku complexes that are only perceptible to shrimp, the other half is because they now have a ghost spy that is not bound by the laws of physics nor spacetime.

Obi-Wan only nominally pays attention to this as he immediately goes and implements his 19 step seduction plan with Cody (he had to focus on something on Tatooine to pass the time). It fails. Spectacularly. Publicly. Ah right. Tatooine was not exactly the height of his sanity. Everyone in the GAR and temple is now riveted by High General and Councilor Obi-Wan Kenobi's attempts to go on a date with his Commander, who bats him away him like a particularly annoying stray and seems one bouquet of cactus away from committing mutiny. Anakin is worrying if it means his master knows about his secret marriage and this is some sort of really weird power play. (It is, but not in the way he thinks)

The next time Dooku goes after Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon spends a good few months appearing tear-stained at the edge of Dooku's perception and only communicating in terrible wails and discordant mutterings of 'padawan. my padawan. my little one.' 24/7.

"Wait, you're annoying Dooku into surrendering?"

"Oh no Anakin, we're crushing his psyche like a bug. :)"

Prompt 88

  In a world where every human starts with blood that’s a very bright red, only darkening by one taking another’s life, Tim is very careful. Apparently even using explosions in warehouses and wherever else the league of assassins had set up counted as killing, to his slight horror. He couldn’t let his team know of course, even if they joked about joining him if he turned villain. 

  It was one thing to joke, but if they saw his blood, pitch black and dark enough to nearly swallow the light around it? He really doesn’t want to see the horror or disgust. He isn’t going to let anyone know if he can help it. 

  So it’s a really shitty situation when one of the henchmen of one of the rogues decides to break his nose and about fifty-something people are suddenly very aware of his very high kill count. He has a choice here. And he isn’t entirely sure if he wants to deal with the consequences of either of them. 

saving for when ao3 returns.

Newscapepro SCP Rewrite Season 2: Alpha Strike

“Alright, are we all ready for our first mission as Alpha Strike?” Triana said to the rest of her team, all of which (Excluding Lara, obviously) were in the same helicopter as her. All wearing the, in Cory’s humble opinion far better looking green uniforms, including the bullet proof vest with each individual soldier’s insignia posted on their chest.

“I’ve been ready since we got back to base,” Hooper chuckled.

“Course I’ve been ready, these uniforms are sick!” Scott laughed.

“Yeah,” Cory nodded. “I look really good in green,”

Nikole didn’t speak, she just kinda crossed her arms and waited to land, uninterested as ever.

“Good enough, we’ll be attempting to recontain SCP-280. Use the flashlights provided to you to move it into an area that can inhibit it’s movement,” Lara cleared her throat. “Scott, you will use the experimental Micro HID Canon to stun it for a longer period of time,”

“Sounds good LT!” Scott chuckled.

“Glad you’re confident, cause we’re landing soon; everyone else ready?”

Everyone else affirmed, pulling out the flashlights, the brightness on them was enough to blind someone, and hopefully to do whatever it was supposed to do to this Skip. Admittedly Cory wasn’t paying much attention when Triana was explaining what it was. He didn’t have much time to ask anyway as they were landing in a forest. A forest with tall, dark trees that made the ground appear nearly black. Cory felt a small shiver go up his spine as he looked at it.

“Whaddaya scared, Cory?” Hooper slapped the man on the back, Scott and Nikole both chuckled.

“N-No! Maybe…” Cory mumbled as he held out his flashlight like a gun, sweat dripping down his forehead.

“You’ll be fine, Cory,” Triana reassured. “I’ve gotten you out of worse,”

Nikole cleared her throat. “We’ve gotten him through worse,”

“Yes, yes, let’s get moving now,” Triana tapped her headset. “Any signs of the Skip, Bluejay?”

“Flying a drone above the area now, I’ll let you know when I see it,”

“So uh… what’s this thing look like?” Cory asked as the team of 5 began to walk through the forest.

“Cory, were you listening during the briefing?” Triana sounded somehow both defeated and like she had the pent up frustration to tear down one of these trees.

“Uh…”

“It’s a pair of white eyes and some shadowy stuff!” Scott interrupted. “If you see some white eyes just flash your light at it so I can zap ‘em!” Scott chuckled as he slowly lifted up the incredibly heavy looking railgun.

“Thanks Scott!”

“Y’want help with that?” Hooper asked.

“I’m a big guy, I can carry it dude,” Scott chuckled reassuringly.

Nikole chuckled too. “True on that first part,” The two chuckled together.

Cory silently counted the trees in front of him, and glanced to the ground and the drone above him as his team walked through the forest, flashing their lights around the forest to see, the sound of bats above him kept him on edge as he-

Woosh

Wooshing sounds, wooshing sounds, wooshing sounds. Cory felt his blood go cold, the rest of the team felt it too, though to a lesser extent.

“Behind you, behind you, I can see it!” Lara exclaimed, the whole team turned around and flashed their lights at the pair of white pinpricks like eyes, held within a pitch black smoke within the illuminated part of the forest.

“We got it, Scott, now!” Triana ordered, Scott smiled widely as the canon slowly charged up, electricity surrounding the barrel as the shadowy creature was practically immobile from the amount of light on it, the charging sure was taking awhile though, the creature began to slowly move back.

“What’s taking so long?” Nikole shouted.

“I-It’s not firin-”

POOM

The gun exploded, a good chunk of the forest was shrouded in blinding white light. Every single MTF was launched onto the ground, they all groaned in pain as the light subsided, and the creature was gone.

“Alpha Strike, Alpha- fuck it, guys what happened?” Lara yelped over the radio. “My drone’s disabled, what did you do?”

“We *cough* we’re fine,” Triana said as she slowly got up. “The-”

“Oh shit!” Scott shouted, clicking on his flashlight only to notice that it wouldn’t turn on, no matter what he did. He took out the battery from the back which had completely exploded.

“The fucken’ gun exploded!” Nikole shouted, sounding as defeated as she did panicked. “And it blew up all the batteries, and now we’re gonna fucken’ die cause that fucken’ Kraut couldn’t bother to-”

“Nikole, calm the fuck down,” Triana calmly spoke over the older woman, hiding her own panic as Nikole let out a sigh of anger “The Micro HID Cannon didn’t fire properly, the batteries for our flashlights have been destroyed alongside the…” Triana looked at the cannon to assess the damages, only the part of the gun holding the energy core was damaged, the core, and the casing around it exploded and charred.

“Tri, the what?”

“The Canon’s core exploded,”

“Okay, okay it’s not as bad as I thought,” Lara breathed in and out. “Holy shit that was bad, there should be extra batteries and a spare core at the helicopter,”

“Great, Scott can you repair the Micro HID Cannon?”

“That’s uh…” Scott was breathing in and out to calm himself down. “Like, my entire job; hopefully I can,”

Hooper had seemingly calmed down pretty quickly. “What about us?”

Cory completely zoned out, utter panic on his features as he stood like a deer in headlights; not paying attention to a word of what Triana was saying as the blinding light and the events leading up to it flashed in his mind-

“Cory!” Triana shouted.

“Agh! What? What is it?”

“I- we’re going back to the helicopter to get batteries,” Triana explained. “Move!”

“Yes ma’am,”

The five ran through the forest, attempting to ignore the fwooshing around them, or the smoke in the corner of their eyes, or the white pinpricks they’d see alongside it, or the-

“Agh, it’s got me!”

Cory turned towards Scott being attacked, held down by the smokey creature. Panic set into him as the rest of his team desperately clicked their flashlights to no effect.

“Fuck fuck!” Triana yelled.

“No, nononononono!” Cory slapped the side of his head in panic, desperately trying to calm himself down-

FLICK

A light shone onto the shadow man, he slowly moved away from the Armorer, covering its eyes as it slowly backed away.

“Holy shit,” Scott was breathing heavily, panic and exhaustion evident in his voice. “You save me, man,”

“I… did?” The panic hadn’t worn off yet, Cory was still counting the trees he could see.

“Your eye er… lens is glowing, Cory,” Hooper announced.

“Yeah, forgot you had a camera for a face for a minute there,”

“Oh my God, I… saved you!” A huge smile grew on Cory’s face, he hadn’t failed somone, he hadn’t failed someone!

“This is great!” Lara sounded just as excited. “Now all Scott has to do is repair the Micro and we can go back to base,”

“Yeah Cory, you saved this mission,” Triana patted him on the back. “And Scott’s life,”

“Enough talkin, we’re burnin’ daylight here,” Hooper said.

“Of course, let’s get moving; someone guide Cory through the forest,” Triana ordered

Hooper grabbed Cory by the wrist and gently led him out of the forest, Cory felt his heartrate speed up (from the adrenaline of saving Scott’s life, of course)

Back at the helicopter, sooner than Cory thought they’d be. The shadow creature was long gone.

“Scott, get repairing the Micro HID Cannon,” Triana ordered, handing the man the glowing blue mass, encased in steel cage.

“On it, I’ll try to see what went wrong with it,” Scott said as he crouched down with the broken gun, a toolbox and welding equipment. He quickly got to work putting the core into place and welding the outer shell together.

Cory turned around, his lens light shining onto the man.

“Do you know how to turn that off?” Nikole asked.

“Uh… lemme just,” He slapped the side of his head again, the light turned off. “...I do!”

“Great, I’ll have this done in a jiffy!” Scott smiled under the welding mask. “Also I’m pretty sure I know what was wrong with it; the steel holding the energy core wasn’t thick enough,”

“What?” Triana sounded pissed, most than she usually did. “That is… incredibly irresponsible of The Foundation to give us a faulty prototype,”

“Hey, big Tri, standin’ up to The Foundation n’ all that,” Nikole chuckled.

Triana nodded. “I’ll be having a talk with the higher ups after this… especially Otis,”

“Right, it is his prototype,” Hooper said.

“That guy gives me the creeps,” Nikole shuddered at the thought of the Professor. “He’s just-”

“It’s back!” Cory shouted as he slapped the side of his head, the shadow creature that began to bolt towards him had been stopped in its tracks. “Gotcha!”

“Shit, are repairs finished, Scott?”

“All done, ready to lock n’ load!” Scott laughed semi-maniacal as he aimed the massive gun at the creature, it began to rev up and rev up, the tip of the barrel glowing blue before-

BZZZZZZZZZZT

The beam, a light blue combination of electricity and light hit the shadow, sending the smoky mist to the floor, completely incapacitated; a first for any recontainment op.

“Hell yeah!” Triana raised her hands in celebration, the rest of the team followed suit, Cory continuing to stare down the creature.

“From that I assume that shadow boy is dealt with,” Lara chuckled over the comms.

“You bet your ass it is, never doubted you Cory!” Nikole patted the man on the back.

“You said we were gonna die like 10 minutes ago,”

“I was jokin… let’s get this thing in the helicopter and go home,”

And so they did, Alpha Strike’s first mission was a stunning success, even with the mild hiccups it had.

---

Professor Otis sat in his office, tapping his fingers uncomfortably on the paperwork sitting on the table in front of him, he groaned as he readjusted his hat, his tie, every part of his clothes until-

“Professor Otis, what the hell?” Triana burst open the door, putting her hands on the desk. The man jumped a little in his seat as she entered.

“Lieutenant, what are you doing here?” Otis asked, a look of offense and annoyance in his eyes. “I am incredibly busy-”

“I don’t care,” Triana deadpanned. “You gave my team a faulty prototype, I would’ve liked to know about the fuel container’s faults beforehand,”

“We didn’t know, we-”

“Then you should’ve tested it more, your incompetence nearly jeopardised the entire mission,”

“Are you here to insult me, or are you here to talk about something useful?” The man sounded angrier. “As Alpha Strike you should understand that your job entails more risks than the average Mobile Task Force,”

“I understand, but I would like for unnecessary risks to be removed from the equation,”

“And I did what I could, anything else like this and I will have you court martialed,” A small smirk formed on his face for a second before going back to his normal scowl.

Triana grumbled. “I hope for your job that you did, I’ll be going now, Professor,”

Triana left the room.

“Good riddance,” Otis grumbled under his breath.