Parent Of Non-binary Kid Here. I Concur. You’ll Pry Her Dresses From Her Cold Dead Hands.

If you like lawyer jokes, here are some of the best recorded interactions that have happened in actual courts or trials

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

________

ATTORNEY: How far can you see at night?

WITNESS: I can see the moon, how far is that?

Lighting your hot colleague’s cigarette is almost as sexy as stealing stealing it.

Sam Rockwell and Eric Bogosian, not sure of the year... I fucking love this picture. 🔥

the most important thing you can do is date someone who is as weird as you. you will kill urself trying to match their normalcy when you're full of oddities and whimsy

otherwise interesting post ruined by the bold insistence that you can never accidentally abuse someone & that all abusive people are self-aware evil masterminds

in absolute tears about the pride module at my work

I love how sashiko patterns grow.

Before, I’ve patched on the inside, but with jeans I’ve found that they can become a little too tight after multiple patches. Besides, I really like how the fraying edge of the patch adds to the effect.

Oh no. Guys. Don’t do this. Don’t be a dick.

OH AND ANOTHER THING

if you downplay and minimize trans mens issues like this:

Then you are being fucking deliberately transphobic. Fucking stop saying this shit.

Trans men have the HIGHEST rates of suicide and depression.

Trans men have the HIGHEST rates of having experienced sexual assault.

TREAT US LIKE WE ARE IMPORTANT. TREAT US LIKE WE MATTER. WE ARE A PART OF THE QUEER COMMUNITY AND WE ARE SUFFERING.

Honestly, good on you! High five, fellow academically-challenged academic!

a decade ago i was 15 and a jock and on the swim team and was a closet nerd obsessed with pjo and made a secret tumblr to reblog fanart of leo valdez