I Wanna Apologize To Anyone Who’s Been Keeping Up With Any Of My Fics And Wips. The Ao3 Authors Curse

Canon Nightwing: *locks doors, barricades windows, changes his number once a month* plz god no one talk to me I have too much shit to do

Fanon Nightwing: :D hugs GUYSSSSSS Jason won’t talk to meeeee :( everyone in this family doesn’t like social interaction except me so I must smother them <3 Timmy my baby needs to teach me how to use the new computers bc my baby bird is so smart.

Canon Nightwing: *disappears for 3 months bc he was kidnapped and tortured, gets out himself, learns a new skill that’s absolutely morally … questionable makes about 20 ‘allies?’ gets a new stalker and a textbook of trauma he will compartmentalize and never think of again.

Fanon Nightwing: *vague torture for a week that one of his brothers (usually Jason) saves him from and now the next 30-40 chapters will be spent in recovery from this severe trauma*

I genuinely love how in batfam fanfics….

Dick is like: little D (Damian), Timmy Tim, little wing (Jason) I’m on my way my baby bros!!!

And then in canon….

Dick: *perpetually perturbed by his codependent siblings but knows he’ll never not answer cause who else is gonna pull their dumbassses out the gutter*

Because I am gay (see name above) all of my favs are gay but because dc are cowards and refuse to admit that yeah having a character damn near exclusively date redheaded friends and then making both his male close friends redheads is a lil suspicious

I have simply decided that Dick is openly bi and no one has realized it in the universe.(Titans -core 9- and Clark Kent excluded)

So here picture this.

They’re all at a diner/batburger/ wherever they chill as civilians. Are they doing important stuff, working on cases, shooting the shit, your choice- I’m lazy.

And it’s practically empty bc none of them have normal schedules and so yeah you can have lunch at 4:45am that’s a normal time to eat.

And some dude walks in and Dick just straight up freezes for a sec before hiding under the table. The dude orders to go and fucks off.

Dick gets back up and does a cartoonish ‘phew’ bc he’s extra

Jason: yo what the fuck was that

Dick: what the fuck was what?

Tim: that- you hiding under the table of our booth??

Dick: oh that

Steph: no shit worlds third greatest detective

Jason: yeah you saw that dude and freaked, I once saw you laugh in banes face and use his forearm as a jungle gym? What gives?

Dick: oh come on! You’ve never wanted to avoid an ex??

*cue spit take from character of your choice*

Steph: AN EX?!?

Dick:??? Yes

Tim looks like he’s seeing god himself parting the clouds, giving him a view of the sun

Jason is just giving Dick the how did I not know this what the fuck dude how could you not tell me stare

Dick looks at each of them: what did you think I only dated babs and Kori?? I have a life outside of our night job?? Right? Like I’ve dated many people who still don’t know what I do at night?

Steph: no do how could you not tell us about H.I.M

Dick: I mean he wasn’t really all that…nice by the time we hit the three month mark and we didn’t have much in common outside of a shared hobby

Tim who was a closeted bisexual for 5 years realizing his first ever idol the first ever Robin also liked boys: .... you dated him for three months?? when?

Dick: I don't know we broke up like 2 months ago

Steph: How was I not aware of this information??

Dick: im sorry would you like detailed information about my sex life??

Jason, traumatised:.... so when I was Robin, you and roy weren't wrestling in the bathrooms..

Dick:.....

Tim:.....

Steph:.....

Dick: yeah Jay no shit?!?

Tim: so you and Wally... were not playing Jenga when I visited

Dick:... you are adults yes? you realise that I as an adult was not going to tell twelve year olds that I was getting laid?

Steph: Dickie DIckie baby.... we knew you were fucking

Tim: true

Jason: unfortunately

Steph: we just didn't know you were also fucking men

Dick:....

Dick massaging his temples: okay so.... you know I have a thing for redheads and I notoriously befriend my exes.

Tim: yep

Jason: mhm

Dick: and none of you thought for a second that my two redheaded best friends who both have a type aka Dark haired and can do a backflip... and just decided we were totally Hetero besties

Steph: yeahhh I mean...

Tim weakly: you guys just seem

Jay: like friends

Dick deadpan: Lian still calls me dad sometimes and Wally and Linda keep asking me to swing or join a throuple.

steph: fully believed they were joking high key tho

Dick: okay, okay... so the way that I talk about Joey Wilson... just didn't tell you anything?

Jay: okay that one... was my bad actually y'all were hella gay

Tim: hey! that's no fairrr we werent there

Dick: you broke into my house Tim, you literally stalked me

Tim: that's not the same and you know it.

See the issue with being a multi shipper for ur fave is

Dick x Roy yes

Dick x Wally yes

Dick x Garth yes

Dick x Kori yes

Dick x Joey yes

Dick x Red X (TT reference but I fear? Sure)

Dick x Harley formerly no but someone recommended me a fic and you know what fuck it

Dick x Babs sure

Dick x midniter yes

Dick x tiger yes

Dick x huntress yes

Dick x Donna no

Dick x zatanna yes

Dick x Constantine yes

Dick x Slade for ship no for fucked up trauma inducing plot yes (I’m sorry that TT Apprentice arc was too good I will never get over it)

Dick x Kara sure

Dick x various other characters that I’m sure folks will leave in the reblogs. Honestly yeah why the fuck not

However at the same time, Dick doesn’t sleep around in my head like AT ALL. Like I firmly think this man is demisexual and has had like 3 important relationships in his life. But also he has dated every single one of these people?

These two things are canon and can exist at the same place and time without being a contradiction shut up.

I love being in psych bc I learn shit like

Men’s brains get less sexually aroused when they smell women’s tears compared to saline solution (based on BOLD signals from fMRI)

Which means rapist just do it for the game and the “oh what she was wearing” “he can’t control himself” “men have urges” thing is wrong scientifically as well as morally, logically, ethically and all the other ly’s

So if you say this I’ll take a guess and say if I were to fMRI ur brain there would be no activity.

Random headcanon number 20207483927

-Dick doesn’t spy on his families teams

Because he doesn’t need too

They’ll either tell him what’s happening

Or their teammates will

He’s friends with 80% of them anyway

Jason Todd was honest to god on a team with Dicks Ex who still adores him and starfire /j

No but really Roy and Kori 100% have doxxed Jason’s entire life to Dick Grayson

A) bc I will ignore any canon where these 3 aren’t close

B) Kori has never had a filter ever

C) Dick absolutely has indoctrinated the fab 5 into mission reports and now they feel weird without a debrief

D) Roy would find giving Dick and ulcer over the stupid shit his brother does hilarious

E) Roy would find giving dick and ulcer over the stupid shit HE does so so so fulfilling (revenge)

Damian is on the Titans.

No matter what titans generation of titans it is they’re responding to Nightwings status report request, fully detailed in MLA format with a reference list following APA 7 guidelines

Dick does not have to worry about young justice despite the fact they are very much NOT snitches bc Tim absolutely calls Dick and Doxxes his entire life story to him once a week minimum

(See Tim telling Dick random shit in the comics causing him to lose his balance and fall a compilation Im sure exists)

Both Clark and Wally are on the justice league. Bruce’s every dangerous move is reported to Dick via Clark and all his stupid ones are reported to Dick via Wally.

No matter how weird Dick and Babs relationship (on again, besties, off again, not talking etc) is she’s absolutely telling him either via concise email or 7 hour long sip and bitch session every single thing that happens not for help but bc ughhh wtf is happening.

Now frustratingly the same is not reciprocated

Bc

“Donna or Garth would kill me” -Roy

“*graphic details of sexcapades to distract from question*”-Kori

“Nightwing is busy” -oracle (babs just leaves when asked as a civilian)

“I’m sorry it’s just so hard to not talk to him okay?? He’s so nice” -Jon during supersons

“He’s my friend too, I can tell him what I want” current jon

“Listen he barely talks to me as it is I’d rather he still come to me with issues and insecurities without worrying his father will hear it” -Clark

“If you think I’m saying shit to you, you’re in idiot, if anything was wrong and I told you you’d make it worse go fuck yourself” -Wally

(OG Bruce Wayne hater of titans. him and Roy do fight over this title at the titans new years. Wally thinks Roy lost his place bc he found a new bird to be mad at the bat over so his timeline should shrink. Roy thinks this is bullshit bc now he hates Bruce for reasons of bird^2)

The best part about DC canon being a sandbox is that you can combine different parts of different timelines into your Frankenstein ideal just to give Bruce Wayne more gray hairs

Observe

Bruce: Dick you know you’re 26 you can’t keep working as a gymnastics instructor on a volunteer basis you need a career.

Dick who has been working as a lawyer in nyc for 3 years now: hmmm yeah you’re totally right B maybe I’ll take some classes

Bruce: Tim you need to get your GED, I cannot allow you to give up on education at highschool.

Tim who got into ivy university and has been zeta-ing back and forth: …hmmm maybe I’m kinda busy

Bruce: I have no idea what Jason does in the day

Jason catholic priest Todd: … yeah I got nothing

-this shitpost was brought to you solely to remind everyone that JASON TODD WAS A CATHOLIC PRIEST IN ANOTHER DIMENSION THANK YOU

Don't know if you know this but there was a tiktok about these two friends (one boy the other a girl) who went to a hotel in France and absolutely as soon as they came in was a couple pack, I mean like rose petals, towel shaped swans and like champagne bottle with ice romance shit 😭

And ofc the friends the moment saw that ended up laughing so much and honestly this just reminded me of Donna and dick so much for some reason

I have not seen it (please send it to me)

However I can see it

In my minds eye

Donna books the hotel except for once she’s the more sleep deprived one bc Dick fell asleep and is currently napping across her lap. And all the titans follow the cat rule for Nightwing AKA: IF THE BABY SLEEPS ON YOUR LAP IT IS NOW ILLEGAL TO MOVE.

So she’s tryna book a hotel trip on her shitty burner phone since her last real phone blew up (long story but just know it was Roy’s fault) very carefully bc bats will wake up if your heart rate accelerates by 1 beat per minute

And she accidentally books a honeymoon suite

And doesn’t think anymore of it bc she is now going to sleep for a month.

The they go on this slay lil trip to Paris bc Donna and him do a solo field trip once a year added on to the yearly titans field trip. Unlike the titans field trip this has no set it, it’s done when either Donna feels unstable in her identity or Bruce pushed Dick too hard for bludhaven to feel like a safe distance to recenter himself.

So they get there and no one bats (hehe) an eye, they’re both exhausted from the flight and everything end of the world-y that happened before but it’s a nice hotel near the center of Paris and they both wanna knock out

And they walk in and see

Rose petals

Swans kissing

Bottles of champagne with a “for the happy couple”

And they both fuckinf lose it on the floor laughing for a good 10 mins

And then they realize they 100% have to see it through bc not only is this a couples suite Nono this is couples resort.

And so they get into character and instead of goofing off in public and cuddling up to cancel touch starvation in their room. They simply pretend they’re 14 again and remain attached at the hip the whole time.

Cheek kisses, pet names the whole shebang

And they keep getting compliments like “oh my god you guys talk like you’ve know each other your whole lives”

“This is what marrying your best friend looks like”

And so on

They get so much positive reinforcement that Donna and Dick end up in an old argument

Donna: this was nice

Dick: yeah it was

Donna: we should do it again

Dick snorting: what like fake being a couple and stay and an outrageously expensive hotel and eat out weight in butter

Donna: yes except we can’t fake it again we have to do it for real next time or it would be boring

Dick: you’re asking me to marry you

Donna: I’m asking you to marry me

Dick sighing: I will not abandon Bruce and or Gotham if we get married

Donna: WHY NOT?

Dick: HES MY DAD

Donna: HES AN ASSHOLE

Dick: Donna-

Look I’m not the biggest JayRoy fan bc I have shipped DickRoy since I was like 13. However this idea is rlly funny to me.

Bc Dick helped Roy raise Lian in the beginning when he was lost and needed to get his life together.

If Roy and Jason started dating

And Roy introduced her to his boyfriend

And it’s Uncle Dicks little brother.

You think shes calling him anything else???

Like picture this bc once again these. Characters are like 9000 years old and they do not follow the timelines of aging

Lian is born and Dick is helping Roy out in person for a long time, but by the time she’s like 6-7 Dicks very busy with Gotham and bludhaven and new York and him and Roy have had a bunch of falling outs but they’re not letting affect the kid but Dick doesn’t visit as much in person.

Lian is still very attached so Roy will sometimes call Dick on FaceTime and let Lian update him about her life and everything and ramble and for a while that’s the only times Dick and Roy have contact is the text message of

You free Lian misses you?

And Dick spoils the kid rotten, he sends her birthday presents but also half birthday and quarter birthday present. if Roy needs to be somewhere Dick will take her on a trip somewhere just the two of them.

He tells her about his family and Lian becomes obsessed with becoming an acrobat. In the way kids are this gets tacked onto everything else she wants to become

She doesn’t wanna be an astronaut no she wants to be an acrobat astronaut.

She doesn’t wanna be a doctor she wants to be an acrobat doctor.

So on

He tells her cartoon versions of what happens in his life

So the penguin is peddling drugs through the city that he’s purchasing through laundering money with illegal businesses

Becomes

A penguin walked into a laundromat and ate all the Pennies so now he has go find the penguin to get the money back.

And it’s an event when he does come to see her.

She gets so excited and happy bc Dick carries her around all the time and she gets princess treatment 24/7. And he teaches her games they used to play back in the circus and at first Roy was worried bc Dick doesn’t exactly have a scale of normal and he’s not gonna call dick and talk To him but that’s not something they’ve done in years

but then Lian falls off the monkey bars at day care and flips before landing on her feet, perfectly fine.

And when they call him about it they ask about it bc what is a kid doing with flips ofc they’re curious but whatever he is doing? The moms want to know? Is there a class because that could’ve been a really nasty fall and catching yourself is a very good skill to have especially as an active child.

And when he asks Lian if she was scared “no! It’s like game uncle Dick taught me why would I be scared!”

And Roy calls Dick for the first time in years just to talk to him not for him to chat to Lian.

And he asks and Dick just kinda awkwardly admits that that’s how his parents taught him not to be afraid of heights or falls. If you teach kids a life skill through a game they’re less likely to freak in the real life scenario. And Roy is kinda reminded why he became friends with this asshole and why he stuck around and it kinda rekindles their friendship.

And then Roy starts dating Jason and it’s on the DL, bc Jason has issues and Roy isn’t going to introduce someone who isn’t a certain thing to his child. Right.

But things are going well

Very well

And then he decides well fuck it

And they tell people

And everyone is happy for them even Dick despite his very very pained “really Roy my kid brother?”

“Are you gonna give me the shovel talk Grayson”

“God no, you’re a titan which means you’re family which just makes this weird because people I both consider family are dating.”

And then Roy tells Lian

And she is pissed

“Why is Uncle Dicks little brother here”

“Well Lian he’s gonna be around a lot more”

“Does that mean uncle dick is gonna visit more”

“No sweetie but you see uncle dick a lot, Jay over here will just be more around”

“…why?”

“Well because he’s daddy’s boyfriend now”

“Like how Casey’s new mommy and daddy are boyfriend girlfriend”

“Yeah sweetie exactly”

“So he’s gonna be like my new daddy?”

“Well no, unless you want him to but-“

“I don’t”

“What Lian-“

Lian is very angry because she wants her uncle Dick around more and when she told her friend at school her friend said that her new stepmom was around more since her and her friends dad got married

She then logically assumed the ideal way to get her uncle around more was simply to force Dick and Roy to get married.

And since Dick asks for a list of things she wants every year for her birthdays and Easter and Christmas and st. Patrick’s day and All Saints’ Day and Eid and Labor Day and Halloween and holi and Passover and … (no she does not realize not everyone gets gifts on all the holidays that exist, this is very normal to her. Roy had to rent a storage room by the time she was 5)

And Dick has never once not gotten her what she wanted (once she asked to meet the penguin who stole the Pennies and dick took her to the zoo and the showed her the penguin who had a little ziploc baggie of coins tied around its middle-she pointed out that he still had the Pennies and dick said that he felt bad and let him keep just a few)

So anyway she was gonna ask for them to get married on her Christmas list but she wanted to ride a pony and so she was gonna add it to her 1/4 birthday list but now her dad is ruining it because she knows you have to be boyfriend girlfriend before you get married and this is not fair.

So she has a parent trap style vendetta against Jason. He is Meredith Blake.

And Jason who loves little kids is devastated bc his boyfriend’s kid does not like him.

And Roy is confused bc Lian and never acted like this ever.

And Dick has no idea what’s going on bc Lian is eternally an angel with him bc he has gentle parented the shit out of her and also bc he will never see anything she does as wrong ever he knew her when she was a baby that young lady is perfect if you say a derogatory word against her he’ll steal your knee caps.

And one day Lian calls him from preschool and is like “daddy is busy he wants to ask if can you pick me up” and Dick of course says yes because they’ve done this before and sometimes you only have time to make one last phone call.

So he picks Lian up.

And Roy gets there and freaks bc where the HELL IS HIS CHILD. And bc he’s a hero he assumes his identity is compromised and calls Ollie and everything is on lockdown and WTH his going on.

And like 8 hours later Dick calls him and he almost doesn’t pick up and Jason is trying to calm him down and they’re all tracking her but on a whim he answers cuz maybe Dick can help find his baby.

“Hey Roy any ideas when you’re coming to pick Lian up or should I take a day off work tomorrow?”

“What?”

“Dude are you okay you sound wrecked what the hell happened”

“Lian is with you?”

“Yeah- what’s happening Roy?”

“Why is LIAN WITH YOU?”

“She…called me to tell me you were busy and needed someone to pick her up.”

“I-“

“Roy is everything okay”

“She- she called you?”

“Yeah? from the school telephone the same way she does Everytime you have a mission. Roy brief me? Are you okay? Is? Is Jason alright?”

“Can- put Lian on the phone right now.”

“Roy-“

“NOW GRAYSON!”

“Yeah sure okay”

“Hi daddy!”

“Lian why did you ask Dick to pick you up?”

“Yep!”

“Why?”

“Because you were busy”

Deep inhale “who told you I was busy”

“You did”

“I did not-“

“Yeahhh u did, you said you would be with Uncle Dicks little brother”

“What does that have to do with-“

“Go be gross with him I’m mad at you”

“You’re mad at me, young lady I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR HOURS.”

“Why? Just because you forgot about uncle dick doesn’t mean I did”

“Wha- Lian what are you talking about”

They go to Dicks apartment and Lian explains that she is very cross with Roy because he knows uncle dick is her favorite baby sitter and it’s not fair that he gets to marry Jason when Dick is her favorite and since everyone knows that it’s babysitter and dad , boyfriend girlfriend, married. And that’s how Roy finds out that Casey’s new mommy used to be her babysitter and his daughter has been under the assumption that him and Dick were gonna get married since she was four.

And it’s annoying because Jason has never babysat her this whole time and Dick is her favorite baby sitter and he’s dating Dicks brother like that’s the wrong one dad.

Anyway Dick excuses himself to laugh until he cries in his room and Roy is bluescreening while staring at his daughter.

They clear some stuff up but when she’s mad she still calls Jason uncle dicks little brother.

Canon

Next fic: bodyswap

Jason: *in Dick‘s body*

Jason: I feel awful. What is wrong with your body???

Tim: *absolutely obliterating a punching bag in Jason‘s body*

Dick: *looks affronted at Jason in his body*

Dick: My body is fine! What do you mean??? You aren‘t the one who needs to consume an unholy amount of caffeine to function!

Jason: I feel like someone is about to push me off a fucking cliff, Dickhead.

Dick: *grins suddenly*

Dick: Ohhhh. Lemme fix that for you, Little Wing.

Dick: *walks up to Jason and hugs him tightly*

Jason: *relaxes before tensing up*

Jason: WAIT. YOU NEED HUGS TO FUNCTION?!?!

(Next fic is in the works! o7 It isn’t the one I had originally planned cuz my brain went brrr. Have a good one, my lovely birdwatchers! <3)

((Edit: https://archiveofourown.org/works/59545189/chapters/151862587 ))

Now imagine this whole concept with in the de-aging mix

-Dick goes from pushing 30 to saying is 9 and 3/4 which is basically 10 shut up

-and Bruce just melts

-it’s temporary but all stress the wear and tear of the year falls off of him. He has his boy back

-and they’re the dynamic duo, the first Batman and Robin. The never need to speak to understand each other and the way they communicate doesn’t get lost in translation the way it did when he got older.

“You were reckless” went back to being interpreted as “I’m worried about you be safe” instead of a criticism.

-Bruce laughs again in a way he hasn’t since Jason died and all the bats are there for it. They see Bruce Wayne as the man when his life was 1 tragedy instead of a million. And if they thought measuring up to Dicks Robin was hard actually seeing makes it seem impossible. They kid just fits in a way none of them feel like they do (they do fit they all just have issues)

- and then a crisis happens and 9 (10-shut up) Dick just isn’t as competent as Nightwing (obviously 20 more years of experience and aging will do that) but Dick also can’t work outside of Batman and even when working with Batman he struggles to fill in the huge gaps that his older self filled seamlessly

-and Bruce sees how Much his boy has grown, how much he’s changed and developed and matured and how did this little sweet boy become the future standard for heroism.

He’s so small

-Dick gets turned back into his almost 30yro self and thanks Bruce for looking out for him a second time and does Bruce say anything about how proud he is of his boy, how much of a joy it was to raise him.

No

He just says

“Anytime”

I don't know where else to put this and I'm losing my mind over it. The passage of time in Dick Grayson's life haunts Bruce. His son is almost thirty. His son is nine. His son has been fighting crime for twenty-one years. His son is trying on the Robin costume for the first time. His son is sixteen and insisting on driving the Batmobile with a license he hasn't even had for a full week. His son is twenty-four and wearing the Batman suit. His son is ten and has aced a test that Bruce puts on the fridge. His son is eighteen and leading the Titans. His son is thirteen and falling asleep on Bruce's shoulder. His son is his child. His son is a man.

Bruce's eldest son, his first son, is a man that Bruce can never stop seeing the child in. Dick is grown and matured and Bruce is glowing with pride, and he will never find equilibrium. He will never be able to fully reconcile the boy and the man. Time is slipping through their fingers and Bruce would give anything to hold that nine year old again. He loves his son, both past and present, and that love of the past clings to him like a ghost. That nostalgia haunts him. He is proud of who Dick has become and will always mourn who Dick no longer is.