Vent Under The Cut Feel Absolutely Free To Ignore This

vent under the cut feel absolutely free to ignore this

so ive pretty much lost all my irl friends, hold for like, 2 best friends and one person who i occasionally chat to but know we would be there for each other. ive been celebrating my past two birthdays with two people after my 18th lowkey made me feel like almost all of my friends sucked so it came to that. now this year i wanted to have a party again, i just really felt like it but i literally have 2 people. two. ended up inviting the other person mentioned above and my fucking dealer, and told everyone they can bring whoever they want. 2 people (who my friends were bringing) already cancelled (technically 3) and two people are still on the fence but probably not coming and my dealer doesn't know if he'll come either, he quite literally said if someone else asked him spontaneously he isn't coming and I just. one of my friends keeps saying she's looking forward to the party so much, she can't wait but. i kinda just wanna cancel and curl up in bed. i feel so so god damn alone here, everything feels like its just turning shit randomly the past few weeks. on top of that i hate my birthday, I don't wanna age. I don't want everyone to act like it's a big deal for 10 minutes after I've been alone the whole day, i don't even want my friend to come over tomorrow. but i can't even decide that. in less than 12 hours I'm 21 and it fuckinh sucks. i feel more alone and more like a failure each year. wtf man.