He Pulls The Thin Strands Of His Hair Up Into A Messy Bun, Feeling The Sparse Follicles Crunch Like Corn

Allow me to set the scene...

So you're an alien (just go with it) and you have to write a report on human studies.

You with me? Good.

Okay so you go to your local human library (stay with me here) to find some research material but...

Oh no! You only used research from the ritualistic cult section!

We following? Awesome.

So now your entire knowledge of the human race is just ritualistic cults.

Makes sense? Great.

Then you get invited to a humans birthday party (there's a point here I promise) and it's time for cake.

Everybody on the same page? Super.

Alien (that's you) watches as this lovely dessert is brought out and wax sticks are placed into it. The wax is set on fire and everyone gathers in a circle to chant. Once the chanting is complete a chosen one makes a wish on the flaming wax sticks (thus embuing the cake with the magical wish powers obviously) and blows the fire out. Everyone eats the treat and the annual ritual is complete.

All of this is to say...

Birthdays do be a little culty.

The Hunger Games but we replace Caesar Flickerman with this guy

this app is literally my public private place to talk to myself

Tfw you hate yourself so much it makes you nauseous.

Tfw everything's your fault.

Tfw you're too afraid of death to want to die but highkey wish you never existed.

Yk tf?

I…am shocked. Literally I think I'm in shock. I don't know what to say or how to feel. I keep coming back to the fact that I never expected this to happen, which in hindsight seems a little ridiculous but…I don't know. I guess he always just seemed so calm it made everything seem like no big deal. I've definitely been slapped in the face by reality today and all I'm sure of is this, This fandom will never be the same without you Techno. You have left an empty space that nobody can fill and that space where you should be will be felt daily.

Me: *on tumblr, minding my business*

My next chapter, sitting unfinished:

Anyone else have that moment where the lights flicker but you low-key gaslight yourself into thinking it was just a really prominent blink?

...just me?

So I've been telling my mom that twilight ain't shit for YEARS! I've been telling her how all the characters(yes including Charlie) are trash and how Jacob is just as toxic as the rest of the triangle due to the assault. I've been telling her Stephanie did realize she had created a monster and still doesn't. I told her how it pushed problematic themes onto its audience and how it had heavily racist and misogynistic undertones. On and on I ranted!

Well this morning my mom comes to me and seems surprised by something. She tells me that she was watching some people on tik tok and YouTube respectively and they brought up some points about twilight that she had never thought about. So I watched the videos and of course it was ALL THE POINTS I HAD ALREADY MADE MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT! One of the guys she watched was even a critique I HAD BEEN WATCHING FOR YEARS!

Now when I say that twilight is problematic and Jacob's a rapist in the making I'm being dramatic but when some random guy on the internet says it she's like

The lesson here kids is parents don't listen to a damn thing you say. Those fuckers tune you the hell out.

i think the reason why the assassination of Julius Caesar is one of the funniest political assassinations is for this very simple reason:

1 guy stabs 1 guy: not funny. that's murder.

2 guys stab 1 guy: even less funny. that's two against one.

60 guys stab 1 guy: uproariously funny. why do you need so many guys.