The Turkey Story

So it’s 2001, and my family drives from fucking California and like three blizzards to get to Ohio for thanksgiving, becuase my grandparents are moving into a nursing home and it’s their last holiday in that house. So its a bit bittersweet but ultimately a good thing.

Since it’s their last holiday there, the family pulls out all the stops when it comes to dinner, all the Russian desserts come out, as does the Lethal Bacon Mashed Potatoes and the horrible candied yams with the mini marshmallows dish because not all expressions of love are good, even if they are sincere. In the spirit of going all-out, Uncle Bobby smokes a Turkey.

Uncle Bobby started cooking as a boy scout by tossing foil-wrapped potatoes into a campfire and has been addicted since, and now has a hand-made smokehouse in the backyard where he makes various cured meats and other delights. He seasons the turkey in the traditional manner, but he and grandpa have a shared passion for a spicier mesquite-style bird, so Bobby makes a Cornish Game Hen seasoned that way, for them.

Then Bobby has a Brilliant Idea. He realizes that he can stuff the turkey (once it has been smoked) with regular stuffing, and there is still plenty of room for him to put the game hen inside THAT, and stuff the game hen becuase why not? He confers with Mom, and she explains how to cut open the turkey so there’s dramatic reveal as the stuffing and game hen come out. It’s Genius.

Except, of course, that my Aunt Sue is attending, Uncle Cliff slouching after her.

So the day of the dinner, tensions are running a bit high, between the marathon cooking, the kids all being trapped indoors due to aforementioned blizzards, and Uncle Cliff deciding that the best way to amuse himself is by hiding from the adults in the basement, getting drunk and rambling about how various ethic groups were destroying America. Being that I had close Muslim friends that were leaving the country becuase of 9/11, I was near tears from this nonsense and ready to fight a man roughly five times my size.

Sue, for some reason, keeps coming down and defending him, or telling us we’re rotten children for ‘attacking’ him, becuase she Must Stand By Her Man, even if her man is a hefty bag of dog feces with an ugly mustache.

My sister eventually bolts upstairs to tattle and my grandfather limps down to the basement and brandishes his Hip-Bone Cane, hands rock-steady in spite of the Parkinson’s slowly taking over him.

“Firstly Cliff, It may not be my roof much longer but while you are under it you will be civil, or I’ll beat your skull in. Also, dinner’s ready, everyone go wash up.”

We go upstairs and sit down, and do the traditional “Name one thing you’re thankful for” as the bread gets passed around the table, and things calm down a bit. Bobby brings out the Turkey and everyone goes OOH becuase it’s really pretty, them Mom carves it open so that the stuffing spills out dramatically along with the game hen and there’s an appreciative gasp all around becuase it looks cool.

Only Sue KEEPS gasping, in utter horror, before getting up and clasping her hands to her face ala Edvard Munch and shrieks-

“OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT!”

We all stare at Sue. We all look back at the fully-dressed-cooked-and-stuffed birds that in no way had any internal organs in them or ever gave live birth. Then we all looked back at Sue, trying to figure out where to begin but since she’d been trying to justify Cliff’s behavior she was pretty much free-associating conspiracies and scandals now, and just kept going.

“IT WAS PREGNANT MY GOD WE’VE COMMITTED AN ABORTION WE’RE ALL GOING TO HELL FOR THIS, I’M SO SORRY JESUS-” She goes into full pearl-clutching gibbering horror at this point and falls back into her chair like it’s a Victorian fainting couch only it’s a shitty chair from the Eisenhower administration so it collapses and she slams into the floor, sobbing and kicking her feet like a toddler.

Everyone watched for a moment before my Mom sighs heavily and starts carving and serving the turkey while my grandmother mouths “she’s not coming back”.

Cliff, reactions delayed by about six beers, finally notices his wife is on the floor and tries to pick her up, falls on his ass himself. They are assisted by Dad, who is saintly patient man and less immune to this jacknapery at that point. I am stuffing dinner rolls into my face to keep from laughing at this grand spectacle and it’s not working.

“I CAN’T EAT IT, I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN THIS BARBARISM-” Sue begins but Dad puts on his best Kindly Father voice (he was heavily involved with the catholic church and even considered becoming a priest before getting drafted but that’s another story) and assures Sue that she need not eat, or even be in the room if she wants. She nods, placated by being the center of attention again, and Dad goes in for the kill.

“I wouldn’t want you to go hungry. Can I make you some Eggs?”

“That would be lovely.” Said Sue, joke flying over her head like a boeing 747. I recall watching my grandmother nearly choke to death on the green beans over that, and everyone pointedly trying to avoid talking about anything poultry-related while Sue sat there and ate the most ironic scrambled eggs in the history of mankind.

Shortly thereafter, Cliff threw up in the sink and they went home, and the party got underway properly, with Grandpa raising a toast to Mom and Uncle Bobby “For marrying well, for a change” “Pregnant Turkey” has been an Ohioan thanksgiving staple since then. I’ll see if I can hit Uncle Bobby up for instructions but if you decide to make it 1. you HAVE to shriek “OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT” when you carve it open, or it’s not authentic and won’t taste as good 2. Share the pictures with me.

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lmao im weeping

Witch things to add in your room, poor person edition

Fuck it Most of witchcraft people tell you to buy shit. So here's some stuff u can do for free

grab some sticks from the ground, bind them together in a shape you like, add intent (usually protection), hang it up

make a flower crown, add protection intent, dry it out, hang it up. protection spell and real ward. regularly recharge intent.

dry plants, set warding intent, hang them up.

crushed eggshells on your window sill to prevent bad energy.

wear a bandana or veil somewhere on your body, sometimes i use mine as belts, to protect from bad vibes.

paint your nails in the color meaning you want. mine are pink for self attraction rn

when you light up a candle always ask if theres a spirit or entity there, pyromancy skills can be learned through google, tumblr, and tiktok.

Regularly clean and rearrange your altar if you can't practice everyday, this keeos the space clean and shows entities around that even if ur not active, you're still a witch

A cup of water can be an offering to anyone, imagine being an entity and you can't have water at all for centuries??

If you have glasses, draw a sigil on them while you clean them (i usually wash mine with soap and water to make it extra clean ((and dry with paper towels)))

Give your wall art jobs. Sure they can be decorative, or they can be extra eyes to watch you while you sleep to make sure no one messes with you. (Ive had so much wall art fall in the middle of the night and turns out smth was trying to get in my room...)

If you have black-out/thick curtains, let the sun in!!! I keep them tied during the day so i can use natural light and ease up my electricity bill

Change ur bedsheets semi regularly, it doesn't need to be every week, but keep in mind bedbugs and other entities can get trapped there... or even try to get there to make your sleep unrestful.

If your room is a bio-hazard, at least make pathways so you can walk without injuring yourself.

Thats all i have for now <3 blessed be and fuck capitalism

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witchcraft witchblr beginner witch witch tips baby witch witchery “anyone can cook” vibes

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hygge-hag

5 months ago

Etaf and her family need your support.

gofundme.com

Donate to Please help us get out of life's crises and the woes of war., organized by Etaf Alqattaa

Hello, I am Etaf Al-Qataa,I'm from Gaza, Im34 years old ,I… Etaf Alqattaa needs your support for Please help us get out of life's crises

Etaf is a wife and mother of 5 from Ghazzah. Last year, she and her family's home was destroyed, a long with her husband's source of income and their car.

They were displaced for 200 days, all the way induring the hellish tribulations of genocide. Luckily, they were able to flee into Egypt; however their struggles are not over.

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Please help them however you can; donate if you're able and share their campaign. Every contribution will help them rebuild their lives.

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free palestine peace and love on planet earth community aid

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hygge-hag

1 year ago

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useful very useful history happening ahhh God bless the real ones who compile this essential information may both sides of the pillow always be cool

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hygge-hag

1 year ago

you guys my priest just emailed the whole church to say that he saw wild plum blossoms blooming which means spring is on the way here in the PNW :')

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yo this is righteous news as i also live in pnw

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hygge-hag

1 year ago

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lmao sorry my dudes

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hygge-hag

1 month ago

today i bring you: legolas and gimli flirting while everyone else is dying in the battle of helm’s deep

“Two!” “Two? I have done better, though now I must grope for spent arrows; mine are gone. Yet I make my tale twenty at the least. But that is only a few leaves in a forest.”

“Twenty-one! Now my count passes Master Legolas again.”

“Where is Gimli?…That must be my hope. But I wish that he had come this way. I desired to tell Master Gimli that my tale is now thirty-nine.”

“Forty-two, Master Legolas! Alas! My axe is notched: the forty-second had an iron collar on his neck. How is it with you?” “You have passed my score by one. But I do not grudge you the game, so glad am I to see you on your legs!”

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lmao lotr so true no one else does it like them

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hygge-hag

1 year ago

saw a boat today that looked so soft and so lonely, if I was stronger maybe I would write a poem about her