Soldier, Poet, King

ocean

i told her she was the ocean

but she didnt understand what i meant

and i couldnt explain it without telling her

that i like her

she is beautiful and steady and consistant

waves crashing on the shore

i almost told her she was the moon

shining in the sky

i dont think she would've gotten that one either

the moon and the ocean and the night sky

and everything gorgeous and powerful

and always, always there

not happening

i'm not going to let myself

have a new crush

not this soon

not on her

i'm not going to let myself

like a girl so painfully straight

and break my streak

of not liking girls who could never

like me

but what happens

when i catch myself thinking of her

or looking for her

or lighting up, briefly,

at her name on my phone

when she's creeping up on me

like the first sign of spring

six more weeks of winter

i can't go any more days without her

but i promised

no more girls

not right now

definitely not her

shut up, heart

“We often want it so badly that we ruin it before it begins. Overthinking. Fantasizing. Imagining. Expecting. Worrying. Doubting. Just let it naturally evolve”

— Unknown

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

therapy

it was so easy to blame my parents

for not getting me help

for not noticing that i needed it

i blamed them so i did not have to blame myself

for not advocating

for being scared

for disregarding all the advice i give to other people

but now they noticed

and im still scared

and what i've thought i needed for so long

maybe won't work after all

“We don’t have to understand nature to appreciate it. This is true of all things. Simply be aware of moments when your breath gets taken away by something of great beauty.”

— Rick Rubin, The Creative Act: A Way of Being (Penguin Press, January 17, 2023)  (via A Layman’s Blog)

girlhood

glitter on my face

and tinsel in my hair

bubblegum pink nails

"you look so beautiful" they say

screaming the words to my favorite songs with 70,000 other people

this is my girlhood

baggy t-shirts and short shorts

waking up at noon to texts that say "good morning ☀️

it's time for bed and she says she loves me

the glitter has been washed off

but i still feel sparkly

this is my girlhood

wendy by maisie peters

and castles crumbling by taylor swift

an intense longing to feel something

im not sure what it is

i have stopped caring about everything else,

i think,

but i could never stop caring about you

unexpected, expected

what happens when you lose a friend?

when he drops you without warning

stops talking to you, but tells everyone else how much he hates you

how annoying you are

and you didn't expect it

but maybe you did

you felt it coming in his exasperation

in the way he stopped texting back

in the way he laughed at everybody's jokes but yours

unexpected, but expected all the same

he did it to others, so why shouldn't it be your turn?

you tell yourself you're better off

and everybody else agrees

but you can't help but be a little sad, still

unexpected

like an anvil dropped onto my head

expected

i felt it in the way he sighed

Jane O. Wayne // Kate Jacobs