Saw A Call For Fictives... Who Are Also Bodily Minors.. Will I Ever See Myself Represented In These Calls..

I always get such a specific set of feelings when it comes to cooking, like YES I am actively choosing to perform this task for other people and feel nothing but the utmost, absolute when it comes out well; as far as service is concerned, cooking is something I hold very near and dear to myself

Tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of me publicly using the name Shai for myself and I'm already beginning to feel emotional about it..

Went to a local beach and collected a few pieces of mother-of-pearl, I think I may carve one into a butterfly, symbolic of the gap between my lives being bridged by what was then, and what is now.

**SPOILERS FOR THE BARBIE MOVIE**

I saw the barbie movie yesterday and found almost every feeling I have regarding humanity to be challenged. I struggle greatly with reconciling with my own humanity, especially with the isolation I feel from it due to some personal characteristics, as well as due to a lot of negative experiences growing up, ranging from abusive family to a host of adults who did nothing to help me as I moved through that exact abuse, as I moved through chronic health issues, through my undiagnosed autism, consistently struggling to fit in amongst those who seemed to reject me consistently. All of those feelings became very neatly tied together with my kintype, a nonhuman misanthrope.

This movie ran completely counter to my own held beliefs.

To see the negatives depicted, in barbie experiencing misogyny for the first time, in the discussions of how hard it is to be a woman, balanced in barbie's choice to be human, the imagery of her struggling to do things as simple as drink and her isolation from humanity itself, juxtaposed next to her finding a sense of beauty in it all, in her ultimately choosing to be human because all of the joy and wonders and experience is worth the pain and the risks. That ultimately, the love of the experience is worth it.

It's something I never imagined to see depicted on screen, and it's something that made me actively sob when I got home. The idea of this experience being worth it instead of being something akin to a punishment never crossed my mind, and I'm being left with a lot to consider. It feels almost overwhelming, I simply don't know where to start..

Userbox that says "this user is an insect"

Honestly, it's been such a joy to see him having come back; I love him, and he loves me. I'm believing he was responsive to my stress and came back specifically to tell me that (we're) better than this, that (we) deserve more than this. He's egging me on in making actual choices that feel extreme to me but are probably average or on par with how other people would respond. He's angry and rightfully so! He's pushing me to act, to not acknowledge the situation and choose to do nothing.

Seeing him again feels like seeing an old friend again, and part of me really hopes to keep him, even knowing that when life begins to smooth out again, he'll probably go back into dormancy. Truthfully, I thought we'd integrated until he came rushing out of the depths of my psyche again. It was surprising, but I'm not upset. I'm so much more comfortable with him being around and helping me along. It really all does feel like a massive act of love.

Being able to give him more leeway because I'm not afraid anymore means I'm getting to see some of his quirks come through, we made tea and are leaning more towards having some kind of drink for breakfast as opposed to solid food. It's only been a few days since he's returned, but I'm not gonna lie, I'm looking forward to seeing what else we'll do before he inevitably gets quieter before vanishing entirely for however long again.

Château de Versailles

Versailles, France, 27 VIII 2023

I've actually made a small list of these things on a whiteboard and, as silly as it feels, there's something immensely satisfying about having written it out

Thinking I may very much lean into fictionkinity in daily life as I think it may help self care feel less like a chore.. I believe he had specific traits due to insect features, traits which I still possess due to my hEDS, so I think some simple transference of tasks would be helpful for me.

More liquids (ant and butterfly diet), better skincare (moisture necessary for overall insect health), care that is specific to me that feels so much more natural than the brute force I've been trying to apply

Very exciting to have what I've termed a "clinically significant bug moment" and notice that my gender dysphoria became exponentially worse as it happened.

ur a <stranger> - WILLOW

Night Shfit - Lucy Dacus

Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away) - HEALTH (cover)

Unloved - HEALTH

Church Outfit - Poppy

Doooshiyoooo!! - Tempalay

Imperial Girl - R Sound Design

Round Trip - 36g

Dramaturgy - Eve

Torinoko City - 40m-P

Bonfires - Blue Foundation

She's Lost Control - Joy Division

3AM-Alternative Root - Madoi the Maid

Help Me (Tsunawatari) - Hako Yamasaki

Let's discuss.

Interesting playlist development in not just including quieter music and synthpop but also including alt rock and post punk