In All, Trust The Process.

Night Ride

© John Ryan

Unplanned

I have my off days and while I’m hibernating from the other social world I have I’d like to share something and wishing to know what are your thoughts about this. For those who love and think deeply, I might need your words on this.

“There was this girl who who never fancied about love, money, looks, all she had was her books, her petite car, a few close friends and her family which was her priority. Though it’s was nothing much but she was happy, she was at her peace. Her little world consist of that and her best friend was the tea after her morning run session. Until one day someone managed to enter her life, everything changes in split seconds her time, her energy, her weakness, her strength, her tears, her happiness, her whole life was dependent on someone where she thought she found her home.

She broke everything, each and every rules because she was afraid and completely committed to be with her “home” but as it goes everyday she is worried about her home until one fine day life had to test her with the most life threatening disease. Yes, it was cancer. She knows something was coming up but she wasn’t worried about it because she know she will overcome it but one day she realise, she was more concern about her “home” rather than her disease that slowly shrinking her abilities. She was frustrated but she was coping it in every way she can because she feels she can own this because of her home. She feels she had the strength from it without realising what was she getting from there. Her “home” was the only place she share her everything despite she loves her solitude but she slowly learn to opened up to him because she knows maybe that would be her closer to the home. She shared, poured her feelings hoping he would understand. She was not seeking for sympathy or treatment but all she wanted was him to console her to the road of betterment but the home was empty. It was already filled with doubts.

The person she called home always had doubt on her whether she love him sincerely or maybe she had always had an attitude issue. He change her in a way how he wants her to be instead of accepting her nature and with all she can she tried to be perfect in his eyes because losing him will kill her mentally. He maybe did love her but he was always abandon her feelings by her own but always proclaimed to love her most of the time. His words was always his weapon, what is worse was she knows he was faking it most of the time but she knows his heart was real so she tend to ignore for good. She really did ignore because she was really contrived with him and stood by him by all situation. She had been manipulated, humiliated, and got her heart broken multiple times because of so many unexplainable action of his.

He made her run blindly in the name of love, he was a senior in this and she wasn’t, he was her first. She thought this is what tough love called but little she didn’t know this is not what love is all about. She was strong because she hid all her feeling most of the time after all she love him and wanted to be with her home. But her home was still uncertain about her, he thinks she did not love him, with that uncertainty he had to tell her that he was not feeling the love she has for him during her sick days after whatever he has gotten her running for him. He decided to blurted that out. She was really sick but she was coping it till that that words from his lips broke her into pieces. She never thought one day after everything she has given and during her sick days when that disease was busy making her uncomfortable he would seek for the love she had for him. He vent and throw all his rage towards her without any sympathy although she was begging and telling how much she love him while she was suffocating in her breath. He was ignorant enough to let her suffer throughout the whole conversation without any explanation.

Then she realise that she had fail, she failed to keep him devoted. She failed to make him feel like she was his home, she had failed to make him feel like how she felt for him because when he aches, she went running around to stop making him near to that feeling but when everytime she aches he stood by and watch her getting back up by herself. It broke her apart but that does not stop her from loving him, she wish and pray for his well-being because she knows she can’t be holding his hands through this journey anymore, she was exhausted for not being perfect for him. She pleaded in every way for him to see she was trying but he was seeking for more of herself in a way he wanted her to be that is where she knows it is unfair for him to deal with her and her sickness because she prefer her solitude.

He totally deserve the world, he deserve someone that can understand him in and out. Someone that can handle his crankiness when he wakes up at oddly hours with hunger and sinus that hits him first thing when he open his eyes. Someone that can handle his food, he loves sweets and can never stand spicy unless it has been made by his mum, regardless of that someone who can stand his anger, how his words will run from that lips sharper than your blade and how the blood rage rush at his ears which turns red every time he gets furious about things does not goes his way and how he will sealed your heart back with his sorry and kisses after long abandonment of his words. With all that, someone who gracefully can be up to his expectations and sometimes deal with his 6 year old cheekiness in him and his dramatic issues regarding everything mainly his clingy ness and handle his chickadees which drools for him and that someone who has the courage to deal about everything single things because it’s the nature of him to be open to everyone. That someone will take care of him more than themselves. He deserve that person that he would feel like he is finally home. She wished that for him meanwhile she try to find herself back all alone because she did not have much time left for her. She know this journey had to come to and end one day but maybe it just not the right time for her to derives all energy on someone temporary but instead she has to invest on herself even more to the road of recovery 🤞🏼 rab rakha.

Anatomical Collages on Vintage Dictionary Paper

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