Worst Dog Name, Go.

When the seating arrangement so bad you have to email the teacher during class

Adults are always so concerned about me doing extracurriculars.

But-but you have bad grades because you don't do your homework!

Hate to break it to you, but that homework wouldn't be done even if I didn't have rehearsal

But you keep complaining about being in pain!

Yes, and I handle it. I'd still be in pain anyways.

But you aren't sleeping or eating enough!

True, but I'm working on it. It would be the same if I weren't in theatre

But you obviously shouldn't be doing this thing you like because you're a mess and you have other things that you should do!

Look. If I weren't doing theatre or extra choir stuff, I still would be mostly the same. I wouldn't do my busy work homework that I don't need to do to learn. I would be in pain having to move around and do things and live my life. I would have problems with self care, and mental health, and schoolwork.

But one thing that would be different? I wouldn't be as happy.

Theatre and singing have always been the best things in my life. I've made so many friends and become so much more confident in myself. I feel so amazing getting to do all these things. The only thing taking that away would accomplish is making me miserable.

I wouldn't be focusing more on my schoolwork. I'd be focusing more on the big chunk of my soul that was just ripped out. I wouldn't be magically cured of my physical and mental ailments. I would just have no reason to get out of bed in the morning anymore, or do anything productive or meaningful.

Trying to take away my happiness is not an effective solution. That's how I end up back in and out of the hospital every two months.

Confessions from an emotional abuse victim:

#3 Real friendship

Due to my abuse coming from someone who I considered my 'best friend', as opposed to a partner or family member, after I broke out of the cycle of abuse, I had troubles with friendship.

I had become pretty separate from my friends I had before him, and I never thought I would ever actually need someone other than him anymore, so I didn't really try very hard to have other friends. At the end of that friendship, I had just entered a new little friend group because of my boyfriend, and I was also in a musical where I had found three people I really vibed with. Two of them are still some of my closest friends to this day.

Regardless of my shaky little support system, I still had a lot of trouble navigating friendship. I'm autistic and had just gotten out of one and a half years of covid isolation before I dove into an abusive friendship, so my social skills were not very great. The only two roles I knew in a friendship were leader and follower. As I tried to navigate friendships that weren't meant to hurt someone, I found myself making people uncomfortable a lot. I didn't know what to do or say, and I would go between either being really self centered or obsessing over the other person. I would hurt people without realizing and I became pretty isolated.

I spent most of the one year after leaving my abuser like that. I desperately tried to reach out and get people to enjoy my presence, but nothing I did seemed to work. It didn't help that I had gotten a silent reputation the year before when I pushed people away and blindly followed and backed up someone who everyone else could tell was a complete dickhead.

The one person who stuck by my side was my best friend. She took me under her wing and taught me some of the ways that friendship was supposed to look. I still have the memory ingrained in my mind of the one day we were in her basement building things with Lego, and she referred to me as her 'bestie'. I nearly broke down crying. My abuser had weaponized that term against me near the end of our friendship, saying that he hated when I called him my best friend. Hearing her say that was one of the most blissful moments of my life.

The next year, I decided to go to a different high school than pretty much everyone else from my middle school, including all the people I was friends with. I felt that I needed a clean slate, but I didn't really give myself one. I tried making friends, but after feeling even the slightest amount of push back from anyone, I would retreat. This left me with some people I didn't vibe with that well, but wouldn't reject me.

I stayed like that for a while, and was slightly miserable. I'm still not sure how it happened, but eventually near the end of the school year, I found my people. My friends right now are absolutely amazing people. I still mess up a bit, but I'm finally learning how real friendship works.

Navigating non-toxic relationships can become really hard after being in an abusive situation. It takes years, and many screw ups, but it's possible to become a better person surrounded by good people. As I continue to try and improve myself, I find that more people want to be around me. Improvement is possible, and will bring so many amazing new things into your life.

Going over a year without suicidal thoughts brings a lot of awakenings. I am lovable, people can like me, although now I guess I have to plan for the future I never thought I could make it to. 13 year old me never gave a thought into high school classes, but now I'm being told to start thinking about what I want to do for college... It's so crazy to think that I've made it farther than I ever thought I would. And there's still more to look forward to. If you told 13 year old me that she makes it past 15, she'd probably break down at the thought of having to live that long. What she wouldn't think about is all the good things that have happened since.

I remember leaving my middle school for the last time, the best feeling ever. I remember going to summer camp. I remember going to my high school orientation and feeling hopeful for once. I remember the crash soon into the school year, yes, but I also remember how that led to the first moment of me feeling fully loved and accepted by my peers. I remember being comforted through a panic attack in the hallway at the Halloween dance. I remember my first audition at this school, I remember when I didn't get in. I remember trying again the next time and seeing my name on the cast email. I remember getting to be closer to all the people I had been admiring from afar all year. I remember all the fun outings, and the sleepovers, and the silly conversations that I get to have every morning. If 13 year old me knew I grew up, she'd think I'm still miserable. But now, even through the hardest times, I am loved and cared for.

Keep living yall. Things can work out.

Being like. Post-suicidal is so strange. Like hiiiii everybody im new I spent a good chunk of my life languishing and have like 3 or 4 lived experiences. But now I'm ready to fuck and party or whatever. Can we be friends. Im so happy to be here. Can we be friends

pope francis died without lezzing out. don't let that happen to you.