05/28/2021
05/28/2021
Fear and excitement.
Greatest oxymoron to have ever lived inside of me.
There is such a lack of balance in my soul,emotions seem to be extending their roots further and further in that which is my tangible existence.
A grandiose future awaits me,every cell in my body and every sliver of my being seems to be propelling themselves so as to reach the right spot in time.
It feels preternatural,as if what life made me go through is not anywhere near describable as pain,it is no more than the path i had to go down to in order to achieve my current standing.
I am no more than myself,thus I am all there is to live.
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I found this on Pinterest and am crying for some reason-
“One has either to take people as they are, or leave them as they are. One cannot change them, one can merely disturb their balance. A human being, after all, is not made up of single pieces, from which a single piece can be taken out and replaced by something else.” - Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice
It felt like we went up and up and up-
higher than I was comfortable with.
My legs started to burn with each step
Until the burn left, no room left for it
And they just slowed, peanut butter steps
And then stopped, too tired to keep time.
Turning around felt like defeat
But good.
On the way down they shook
Bambi knees in jell-o
And every step felt a little bit
like I was falling.
The path ribboned its way
A steady incline
A human paved path
And still my legs
New born, half-set,
Paced a drunk’s gait down
This hill with ideas of grandeur
I did not feel shame or guilt
In my gut
I felt accomplished and proud
Until we spoke later
And then I felt a little bit-
Like I wished I had fallen.
1:50pm 7/1/2021
You’re smiling at me like the gate is closed and there’s nowhere for me to go.
You’re smiling like I still want you
through all the slurring, the blurring of your addiction and the cold, long winter of your silence.
You’re smiling like we’re living a party, baby and my eyes aren’t on that neon exit.
You’re smiling like I’m a boomerang, destined to circle back right into your hand
to relive that experience.
Your biggest insult to me.
— s. lee { x }
"I had a room to myself as a kid, but my mother was always quick to point out that it wasn't my room, it was her room and I was merely permitted to occupy it. Her point, of course, was that my parents had earned everything and I was merely borrowing the space, and while this is technically true I cannot help but marvel at the singular damage of this dark idea: That my existence as a child was a kind of debt and nothing, no matter how small, was mine. That no space was truly private; anything of mine could be forfeited at someone else's whim."
Carmen Maria Machado, from In the Dream House
“Losing your appetite because you’re sad is the worst feeling ever.”
—
“Dying is an art,like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.
I do it so it feels like hell.”
What is a candle turned wax?
It has one fixed shape,its life has been drained and it is useless.
Nevertheless I can’t help viewing it as an object which still has much to give.
Yes,it has completed it’s life’s task;
Thus,hasn’t it been freed from the burden of needing a purpose?
Shapeless,vacuous,mutilated,yet—
free
As I sit here,staring at a newly lit candle,I can’t help seeing my life being mirrored in the flame.
It is not burning,it’s living.
Somewhat pliable,though it still holds its shape.
Much like myself,really.
I can bend myself to my own will,yet I am subject to the still air that engulfs me.
Am I living my life,or is my life living me?
Devoid of purpose,I grasp at the slightest shift taking place in my life.
My life-long friend has come to check on me.
It has never once left me,only side-stepped so as to witness how I would fare with knowing him gone.
It will forever be bound to me,and I to him.
A life-long friendship bringing excruciating pain in my bones,in my flesh,a drought that cannot be recovered from.
I am yours,and you are mine.
I regret our meeting as much as I treasure it.
Am I offering you a worthy companionship?
Drifting apart and sitting on the sidelines may be a good change.
They always say we will value the most what we had but ended up losing,don’t they?
Let’s put a seal on our friendship,celebrating our reunion and promising for it to be the last in a long time.
“The acquisition of a book signalled not just the potential acquisition of knowledge but also something like the property rights to a piece of ground: the knowledge became a visitable place.”
— James Wood, Serious Noticing: Selected Essays
I can't live as I once did, telling people that I was doing fine and desperately wanting them to wade through the language and see that I was in pain.
Hanif Abdurraqib, A Little Devil in America: Notes in Praise of Black Performance
03/25/2021+03/26/2021
The unconscious act of clinging to one’s tangible emotions removes all possibility of these coming into existence.
The backwards law plays a paramount role in these cases.
Trying to draw out something,which not even the owner can feel on command is foolish.
It’s like stomping on the ground and then start fishing,meanwhile believing to go home with a handful of goods.
To actually be able to accomplish what you set out to do,you have to immerse yourself in the environment and follow where the current brings you.
Then,and only then,the reward will come to you.
The focus should not be one’s own emotions,and therefore not even themselves as a person.
Shifting it on a purpose beside that which has been the constant object of such attention,would prove benefiting for the primary objective itself.
For one to receive love,they must first know how it would feel before being able to open the doors to it.
By bestowing close ones with your own small acts of love,each in their different shape,will open the one-sided path of love.
Do not covet from others what you have never given to them.
