Mommy, Sorry, Mommy🤤🤤🤤🤤

If I could dissuade you at all I would also like to say this happened an hour later:

“Do not run with that stick, our great aunt poked her eye out running with a stick you know”

She dropped the stick.. and walked directly, eyeball first, into a branch. The whole half of her face went pink and swollen and my mum was not pleased.

I only looked away for half a second. I hadn’t even let go of her hand.

Took my niece on a walk through the forest and she tugged on my sleeve and told me two things:

“I’m hungry” (we just ate three scones and had hot drinks)

“We need to go back so I can get my books” (I wouldn’t let her take seven books on a hike.)

My sister has raised a hobbit.

I have also convinced her that I am 48, I tried to tell her I’m 250 but she looked at me and said I wasn’t that old. (I’m 23)

Hey so what if Bilbo fully just drove Sting up through Azogs chest on the Karak and that was the end of it?

I love time travel AUs so much so let me just…

Avenge the living.

Tw: graphic depictions of battle (very graphic)

Bilbo watched in horror as Thorin was flung across the outcrop like a rag doll, hitting the flat rock like a body on a sacrificial stone, at best he had the wind knocked out of him, at worst he’d have a broken back.

Last time this had all happened he’s managed to walk away but Bilbo honestly couldn’t remember if he had fallen like that before. He cringed and steeled himself.

In the black speech Azog summoned a minion almost his own size to behead Thorin.

Last time it had all been flailing, desperate chaos, this time Bilbo sucked in a deep breath and sprinting, sword forward and close to his side until the final moment where he thrust Sting up and in, somewhere between the orcs floating rib, he yanked upwards on the handle of the blade and heard the putrid popping and sloshing as he rended the side of his blade though the orcs central mass, all it could do was look shocked for two seconds before collapsing dead on top of the king. Bilbo hadn’t turned his sword to catch in the orcs ribs and easily pulled it free. It stunk of the guts it had just shorn through and Bilbo tried not to wretch, he didn’t have time, in two more seconds the company would decent and this would be Bilbos only chance.

He had to kill the white orc. Tonight.

When the fighting began Bilbo was glad to see that for the remainder of his last life what small amount of practice he had kept up with a blade had done him good and sting felt all to right in his hands so when he came nose to nose with the great Worg matriarch that Azog rode upon, Bilbo suprised even himself when he thrust his sword up, piercing the monster from the chin up into her brain, the beast didn’t even howl, she just crumbled, Azogs eyes went wide as he toppled.

The rest of the company continued to dispatch the remaining orcs and Bilbo knew it would be only seconds until the great eagles arrived. It didn’t matter. He had lived his life before and if it ended now it would have been a fine life, full of love and adventure and he would be remembered well.. So while Azog was still freeing himself from under his dead mount Bilbo charged, silent as the grave, leaping onto the Worgs side and propelling himself straight for Azog in what must have looked like a tackle. But he had to intention of grappling the monster, instead he blade shot out again, lower then he would have liked, somewhere around the orcs kidneys, Bilbo assumed. It didn’t matter, he turned the blade vertically and shoved hard and up, until the gash he made in the orcs side was large enough for his hands to regrettably follow the blade in.

Oh course it couldn’t be so easy. Azog was a great and terrible warrior and he would not go down without taking someone with him, his prosthetic blade stabbed deep into Bilbos chest.

Everything seemed to grow quiet and slow, Bilbos heart was all he could hear as he starred down at Azog as blood bubbled out of the orcs mouth and Bilbo actually smiled. He wasn’t sure if he said it or thought it but “For Thorin” where the last words to cross the hobbits mind before it all went black.

Lost in that darkness he was sure he could hear people calling his name. Maybe it was the elves, rousing him for tea.. or maybe it was young Frodo, trying to get him to carry on with what ever story he dozed off half way through.

“Bilbo!”

“Burglar!”

No one in Rivendale or the Shire had ever called him.. Burglar.. so where was he?

Rip Boromir you would have loved closing the hood of a truck and saying “that’ll do it”

rip boromir you would have loved clicking the tongs twice

Wow I’m literally so sorry

Scary queen 😭

He’s just so full of love and nerves

actually hilarious to me how defensive legolas is of his (boy)friends in the movies. boromir even as so makes a peep about aragorn and legolas immediately springs up from his seat, rambling about aragorn’s ancestry, and when eomer comments on gimli’s height, legolas immediately draws an arrow to eomer’s head. fucking insane

My wee niece is so cute, she’s only tiny and doesn’t really understand that me and my dad don’t do the same thing (he works with stone I work with metal) I gave her my dragon tail ring to play with and she looked up at me and goes you made this with grandad?” I puffed up a little admittedly when I said “No I made it all by my self” but I showed her my necklace and said “but he made this, it’s got fossils in it see?” And she asked if there was a dragon tooth in it.

(Her favorite thing to talk to me about it dragons now haha)

How I think the different races of middle earth deal with mental health:

Tw: mental health, brief mention of suicide, brief mention of alcohol misuse

Please don’t read this if it will negatively effect you in any way.

It’s not that important, nothing i post is ever as important as ur mental health, I’ll see you in the next post :)

Hobbits:

Wouldn’t dare to talk about it for fear of scandal, when someone yeets themselves from the mortal coil everyone else says they drowned fishing or ate a bad mushroom. Really really bad vibes.

Humans and numenoreans:

Trying trying okay? ‘Talk to a friend or family member’, ‘have you tried going for a walk’ ‘make sure you eat lots of healthy colorful vegetables to keep the good humors up’

They don’t know what they’re doing but they definitely know that drinking about it is an answer, perhaps not the correct one, but definitely one of the answers of all time.

Elves:

They love being depressed. Everything is so god damn depressing about elves and they love it.

Seriously, if they could by melancholy flavored ice cream they would *

Dwarves:

(Note: please exclude a Mister Thorin Oakenshield from this description)

Actually generally pretty good about it, they live in the dark a lot of the time and as such don’t get enough sun and know that that is a very real cause of a bad head space, they have a lot of access to minerals and cold weather plants that work well to treat depression and a large enough work force that if you need a few days off to right yourself no one bats an eye.

Ents:

So bad at communicating that they scared the hoes.*

Goblins:

Couldn’t articulate their emotions if they were offered a gold coin the size of a shire door. *

Orcs/Orks:

Will complain to each other openly but lack any empathy to retain what others say to them so it’s just a sea of whinging and whining.

**I will also put a red asterisk next to everything that applies to Thorin because it’s funny and I’m mean **

Reupload if coz one of his eyes was very wonky

But yeah, I think I’ve improved. This is post battle Thorin with all the scars

He’s such a handsome boy *said in the tone someone uses when talking to a cat*

That cute little window of trans joy that is immediacy shattered by people trying to take away your human rights for.. *checks notes* being a person and trying to live.