The Binge Urges Have Been Hitting Hard Lately, Thankfully I Haven’t Fully Given Into Them But It’s

I’m actually losing my mind somebody sedate me

Feeling very fat and fake today, it’s 1pm and I’ve only taken 3,500 steps today when I would usually be at least at 6000 by now. I’ve had an energy drink and I look so bloated. I’m not good enough, not sick enough, and all I want to do is cry and fast but I have fucking work.

My prayers have been answered I lost a kilo overnight, laxatives what would I do without you🙏🙏

Now I’m only 0.7kg away from my pre binge weight, Im gonna work my ass off today and take even more laxatives so hopefully I can lose as much if not more than I did today and wake up at a new LW !!

Too depressed to get all my steps in today so I’m just gonna continue my fast, it’s not like I deserve to eat after binging so much over the weekend anyways

Managed to shoot all the way from 50.7kg to 51.5 overnight, I feel so discouraged. I’m never binging again.

GUYS IVE MADE IT INTO 51KG TERRITORY IM ONLY LESS THAN HALF A KILO FROM BEING UNDERWEIGHT (I’m still considering myself 170cm until I get it properly checked at the doctors) !!

I’ve gotta be so careful at the sleepover tonight though, I’m not gonna restrict as much I don’t think because the last time I did they clocked that shit immediately but I’m gonna try stay under my BMR and then when I get back I’m gonna fast.

Wish me luck y’all !!

BRO WHY DID I HAVE TO START MAINTAINING LITERALLY 0.2KG AWAY FROM MY GW WHAT THE FREAK I LITERALLY FASTED YESTERDAY AND STILL MAINTAINED

Oh fuck oh no oh no oh no purging isn’t working nothings coming up fuck fuck fuck

I binged again, it feels like I blacked out and now I just woke up. I feel sick, my stomach hurts, I can feel the fat rolls that I swear weren’t there before. I can feel that my stomach has adjusted and expanded to accomodate the binges, the guilt is eating me alive. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror. I don’t know if I can do this anymore, I can’t go another day in this fat uncontrollable body. Everything hurts. I’m ready to die.

So I just got back from my friends 3 day birthday trip which ended up turning into a 3 day long binge episode.

3 days of eating 3,000/5,000+ calories a day, food noise making it impossible to do anything or feel any sense of enjoyment, comparing myself and how much I ate to my skinny friend which made me so fucking depressed because she barely ate anything, shamefully gorging myself on food in the bathrooms, being in excruciating pain and discomfort from being so bloated, and having no way of relieving myself of it due to not bringing laxatives and being unable to purge.

This feels like a nightmare, and now I’m home it’s gotten worse, I can’t stop and I’m hanging out with my other friends tomorrow where we have a whole Easter dinner planned. We are probably going to go swimming but I’m so fat anf bloated the thought of taking my clothes off or revealing even an inch of myself makes me want to die. I don’t know what to do, I just want to die. I hate myself so much, I’ve never felt so ashamed, disappointed and insecure in my life.

That being said I just took 8 laxatives and am probably gonna take another 10 or 12 in a couple hours, walking feels useless and honestly painful but once the laxatives start working I might try and exercise for a couple hours.