Oof

Tony: I love saying fuck me because it can either be sexual or self-loathing and those are two things that describe me perfectly.

Tony: Thor, we can’t let Loki on Earth.

Thor: Why not?

Tony: Because he’s dangerous. He could kill us all.

Loki: So’s Natasha.

Natasha: He’s not wrong. [shrugs]

Tony: Well, he has magic and is unpredictable.

Wanda: Oh, so magic users can’t control themselves?

Loki: Wow, Tony, way to generalize an entire race.

Strange: If I recall, you were the one to turn against Wanda-

Tony: NO! Guys, I thought we were-[sigh] Okay, well he’s an ex-convict.

Scott: As a habitual ex-convict, my ant army and I find that offensive!

Loki: We have feelings, Tony.

Peter: Hey Clint, you’re an ass ass in right?

Clint: What?

Peter: You’re an ass ass in?

Clint: Kid, I have no idea what you’re trying to say

Tony while facepalming: He means assassin

Peter, randomly quoting the internet: Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in fruit salad.

Tony, sleep deprived: That makes ketchup a smoothie.

Clint, for once actually knowing something: Too much sugar! It’s actually soda.

Natasha, exasperated and tired of everyone’s shit: Common sense is knowing that ketchup is neither a smoothie or a soda. It’s also knowing not to piss off an assassin for something as foolish as this at two in the morning.

Avengers play Cards Against Humanity

Black Card: _____ that's how I want to die

Tony: Alcoholism

Steve: Doing the right thing

Peter: Vigilante justice

Natasha: Pretending to be one of the guys but actually being the spider god

Bruce: Science

Clint: The biggest blackest dick

Thor: Powerful thighs

Harley: Poor life choices

Scott: A fully dressed female video game character

Shuri: The entire internet

Hope: Multiple stab wounds

Bucky: The Great Depression

Sam: A perfectly cylindrical vagina

T'challa: Depression

Pepper: Dying

Rhodey: Being black

Wanda: Being a motherfucking sorcerer

Loki as Czar: '...Being a motherfucking sorcerer, that's how I want to die.'... Preach.

MJ: Hey losers. Give me an honest answer on how much you hate Flash.

Peter: It cannot be represented by mortal means

Ned: I-

MJ:...That’s fair

Peter: Loki! Violence isn’t the answer

Loki: I’m a god. Therefore I have the authority to say it is.

Peter: *pauses* Can’t argue with that logic

Tony: oh no

Once. I think a karaoke machine was the weirdest thing I’ve ever carried around

Levy, DMing: You lose your balance and fall backwards. As you land, you hear something in your bag break.

Gajeel, remembering he had four jars of live bees in his bag: Oh no.

I have one chapter posted and about a dozen in working progress. It’s called Genetic Soup.

P.s I know it’s a stupid name. Think of any good ones and send them to me.

The spider that bit Peter Parker’s was from a cross-species genetics lab right? Think of the possibilities for fanfiction and headcanons.

P.S. I’m starting an au oneshot book about this. It doesn’t exist yet though. It will be on Wattpad because I can’t find my drafts on Tumblr ever. @adopted_by_hestia is the account

“Sometimes words aren’t enough and that’s why we have middle fingers.”

- Clint.