Lyssrambles - I Was Born A Ramblin' Girl

I used to think the worst case scenario  would be you decided you disliked the real me But your apathy cuts deeper than any hatred could

Please don't remember me fondly

Remember me as the one who held your heart so softly, the one who loved you without restraint even when your love for me was a tangled mess which took years to unravel

Remember my patience and devotion as I sat at your feet, then how you crushed them under your heel

Remember me with pangs of guilt and regret when you think on your habit of assuring me I was safe with you then abandoning me once again

Don't remember me fondly, remember you killed me

Regarding old relationships, most days I’m fine. I’ve come to terms with the loss and damage done and know all I can do is move forward and try to heal. Maybe some day even make myself that vulnerable again. I also recognize my part in my own pain and most of the time turn any anger or sadness inward. It is my fault I allowed it to happen over and over. I refused to learn my lesson, to protect my heart and soul even when I knew they were in danger of being crushed. 

But some days I just get so fucking angry seeing the things you say and share about how you wish for loving, accepting relationships. THAT WAS ME, YOU IGNORANT FUCK. Those things you claim you want? I gave all of it to you. I gave all of me to you. I gave more than I should have and more than you deserved.

Though I realize none of it is actually aimed my direction and that there were many factors as to why things happened the way they did, I can’t help it that I feel invalidated by the implication that you haven’t had someone in your life to give you these things when I was right by your side for years practically begging you to allow me. 

Collected

You collect hearts    the way others collect shells Shiny hearts full of love    you are too scared to return Holding them to your ear    to admire the way they admire you Then back on display    until your ego needs another stroke There my heart sits in your display case,    dripping love and devotion Among the other trophies,    stolen by the heart collector

I don't know that I've ever heard a more apt turn of phrase than "consumed by depression"

It swallows me whole without remorse and I wonder if this is the time I am truly consumed

When you avoid your feelings, you bury your passion

What is life without passion?

When you avoid your feelings, you bury your passion

What is life without passion?

I wonder if you wonder what I wonder