Heartbreaks Do Not Get Easier As You Get Older. You Just Learn To Put Yourself First. You Won't Dwell

People who grew up on Naruto how does it feel to have a constant motivation in life because one blond cartoon dummy repeatedly said “never give up” and also have been through one of the most unhealthy demolishing provocative outrageous traumatising relationships in your life with that one dark emo dude who hates everyone because you are “friends”

richard papen's favourite book being the great gatsby works so perfectly and i can't get over the parallels between him and nick carraway. repressed, doomed to romanticise people and situations, hopelessly obsessed with and devoted to mysterious reckless drivers

Books I’ve read since starting T, 2024

Oil on canvas

24 x 18 in.

I think if I will be too drunk I’ll eventually start talking about Chechen crisis

I saw a video once that tried to claim that Chuuya accidentally became popular, and I actually laughed. Like no. Nobody gives a character a hat, gloves, red hair, and a choker without at least expecting they'd be popular. No one makes a character short, a wine lover, loud, and a Mafia executive if they didn't suspect they'd be popular. you don't make a character the ex partner to the other most popular character and have them bicker like children if you thought, "eh, no one cares about this guy." No one gives a character the power of gravity manipulation and the power to create black holes when they go feral if they thought, "yeah, pretty mid-tier character" NO ONE MAKES A CHARACTER JUMP OFF A PLANE AND FIGHT A DRAGON—

My small analysis about The Secret History, and the way it seems to fall in the absurdism:

Through the whole book, we have these little details, characters and else that break the classic (and very structured) rules of writing. In literature, it is known that every character and every interaction is forced to have a weight on the narrative, however, in the book we find characters that are there or things that happen just because. The person following Bunny and Henry on their trip, or the character that lied about seeing something the day of Bunny's murder.

Now, this is only in the way the book is structured, however, if we look closely, we find the perfect example of why this falls in the absurdism. You see, Camus was a firm believer that things don't have to happen for a reason, that nothing matters because at the end, we all are going to die, and that it doesn't matter what we do.

Henry (and I would say Camilla and maybe even Francis) follows this idea after the bacchanal. It is the result of the bacchanal.

The murder, which is a mere concept that fall in the category of terror by humans, is an act of destruction, one of the worst transgressions (if not considered the worse one). Death is only allowed if it happens because of some sort of destiny, divinity or deity, death is a transgression for humans, the thin line. When they murdered the farmer, they crossed this line, clearly, the main strenght in this, is Henry.

When he's the main responsable of this death, he crossed the line. And then, he got away with it. So, this bringed in him the idea that, actually, nothing matters. Nothing matters because he alredy killed someone, and nothing changed. He still got up, got to study, got to live as he wants.

He described that he often felt like life was meaningless and bland, but after killing someone, he noticed that life is actually meaningless, yet, this as well means he could do whatever he wished.

That's why he could kill Bunny, that's why he decided he wanted to be closer to Camilla, play around with poisoning. Henry realized that if life was empty on its own, he could do as he pleased, because there's nothing stopping him.

winterbunny

I like your brain ty

possibly hot take but I think it’s actually more in character for Dazai to not have a tragic backstory in the traditional sense. like no dead parents, no childhood abuse (at least not overtly). just a brain wired for entropy. just a kid who looked at the sky and couldn’t feel anything. a child who should’ve been fine—but wasn’t.

I love the tragic orphan story as much as the next guy, but isn’t it worse if he had everything he needed and still turned out like this? not because the world hurt him, but because of his own brain. because his chemistry betrayed him before anyone else had the chance to. dazai’s not the product of trauma. he’s the product of existential rot. he’s not broken by something—this is just who he is. a factory defect.

it’s the difference between “i hurt because they hurt me” and “i hurt because i exist.”

like yeah it’s sad when someone’s shaped by their circumstances, but dazai is so, so unsettling as a character because his pain is self-generating. he didn’t need outside influence to spiral. to turn into what he became.

there’s something so deeply upsetting to me about a character who isn’t reacting to tragedy, but who is the tragedy. the kind of person who you want to save, but there’s nothing to save him from. there’s no villain to fight. no curse to break. it’s just him and the awful weight of his own existence.

dazai is not a story of destruction followed by redemption. he's a story of continuance. of surviving in spite of. he is not healed. he is not saved despite bettering himself some with the agency. he just keeps living by the thread of a promise because someone good looked him in the eyes and asked him to keep going.

and I just personally find that so much more devastating.

My oil painting of an Uncrustable

Kinda??? Near

Kill me I am doing something that is so not related to my studies but I HAVE TO finish it