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Latest Posts by oldsaints - Page 4
i saw her and my heart crawled up my throat. like her eyes were the only stars on a clear night. but how do i tell her that the world is less real around her. everything stopped in the palm of her hands. like she could reform me from seawater. like she could revenge me all the nights i spent wanting.
ICARUS
“What is it like to be immortal?” Icarus asks.
“Think of it like this,” Apollo explains, ”when I was small, so was my world. The only sky I knew was the one at the foot of my father’s throne. But as I grew, so did my world. I soared the skies above Sparta and Athens and all I asked for became mine. To be immortal is to know that greater victories always await.”
Apollo rakes his eyes over Icarus’ beating wings, “What is it like to be mortal?”
Icarus says nothing as the gentle brush of Apollo’s fingertips leave burns along his jaw. He says nothing as his lungs fill with ash after every kiss. Nothing as his body begins to feel the weight of his wings pulling him down.
And finally, as the wings give in to the heat, and Icarus falls through the clouds, he closes his eyes and says with a smile,
“It feels like this.”
—If you have to ask, then it was never meant to be yours anyway. (i.s.)
Persephone had it right. If you must go, might as well take all of spring with you—
Cathy Linh Che, from Split; “Letters to Doc” (via luthienne)
You wake in the night with your arm hanging over the side of your bed. It is still dark, and your bedroom is shrouded in deep shadow. Something unseen seizes your hand.
You grasp it tightly, knowing that first impressions are important and a firm, confident handshake will establish dominance.
ok so i made the mistake of standing on the beach in the dark and listen…….. listen. there is nothing that cares about you less than the ocean in the dead of night. it is tangible. you can’t fuckin see a thing. there is no horizon. it’s a ceaseless void and she cares for no one and loves nothing. you have to respect her bcs she clearly has no fuckin love for you and if she wanted she could take you and NO ONE WOULD KNOW
5 things about the apocalypse
one. after the sun is eaten, our shadows outgrow our bodies and the stars i took for gods go out. while i did not sleep i heard laughter—cacophonous, full of teeth. at the end i am eating tinned peaches and casting dice on the ground, in expectation of wings, of light, of anything but this stupefied cold, this silence which is an obscenity.
two. the hungry are weeping as they walk. i have seen a man open another’s ribs like a pair of doors, unseal him where the chest is soft, harrow him for red. they eat only the heart, the first-formed part, cradled and chewed between two horrified hands. fed, they are hungrier. in this corrupt light, the gullet-red of appetite, their faces shine wet and without mercy.
three. we send up prayers like the last of flares, phosphorus breaking upon midnight. the horizon is a hot wound parting: the dead climb out of their deep tenements, and we greet them, shaken. what does it matter that they are as pale as guilt, that their eyes do not seek us, that they shrink from us in dismay?
four. yesterday, the words went from us. they left our books and maps and gravestones, emptied our histories and speeches and songs. they fled our throats, and made barren our mouths. in your bible genesis is a cenotaph; nothing is begotten. i hold your hands and i have no voice to speak your living name, to tell you that i am full of fear and relief.
five. it is written on a wall in jerusalem: τετέλεσται. the stars have already fallen, and she proclaims that she is the mouth of god. you go among the crowd to hear her speak, in the brick-husk of the chapel of the holy face. the look of her roars down your blood. men come for her at night, cut out her tongue and string her up by the neck in the muristan. you are kneeling in your kitchen as the earth shakes, and over that great distance you still hear her voice on the wind, causing the dust to rise. it is finished.
(six. we held each other all night, deep in the rot, our arms helplessly tender. late was the coming of light, a whiteness so bright it seemed infernal, lifting us into a hollow morning, and what breath we were was shaken from us—
and we were dead a little while longer then, cool and adrift on the surface of the abandoned world.)
weird noises: happen in the wee hours
me, unaffected: the only supernatural and ominous force in this place is me and i was here first, so whatever and whoever you are you need to Go
the carbon in your body was once in a star. a celestial being died so that you could be here today. the universe believes in you and so do i
do you ever get emotional bc kevin promised andrew he’d find him something to build his life around and it was literally neil
Adam away at college studying at his apartment with friends or something when his punk rock boyfriend shows up in biker boots (I imagine Ronan getting a motorcycle while Adam’s away with the bmw) and a leather jacket with a tattoo peaking out around his neck. and he plops down with the group like “‘sup nerds” and they get chatting and someone asks him where he goes to school and he’s like, “no, I’m a farmer” and they all think it’s a joke and he lets them think it’s a joke until the night wears on and at some point he’s showing everyone photos of the new baby goats he adopted and there’s a close up of the scary-looking ugly one that Opal picked out (she gave it a mohawk and named it Kerah) and it turns out he brought Adam a jar of preserves because he grew too many strawberries and later he shows off the bitchin’ scar he got on his elbow while building a new chicken coop. and everyone’s just like where the hell did you find this guy
i’m so yikes at all the people praising @maggie-stiefvater for the lgbt ship being treated ~so well~ in trk just bc…. the lgbt characters weren’t killed off or turned into trees, and that’s just….. so sad.
as if pynch wasn’t completely treated as an afterthought, because they totally were. their scenes were super short and had no dialogue whatsoever, nor did they have any sort of confession of feelings or clear confirmation of their relationship while the hets got clear i love you’s and official declarations of their relationship to literally everyone and unnecessary drama……….. like i’m super happy that they’re both alive and happy and together and have a little hooved daughter that they love but.
that shouldn’t be our standard. it’s mostly just sad that our expectations are that low that we’re praising an author for sidelining the lgbt ship and treating them nowhere near as well as the straight ship. and again so much of pynch was subtext and extremely subtle stuff that you have to read in between the lines, as it has been since the beginning.
and i don’t even blame any lgbt people for being happy about it bc we’re used to being treated so awfully that we’re basically ecstatic about getting just scraps bc well, it could be so much worse. but stief is nowhere near revolutionary and actually giving good and equal representation and we deserve better (and any straight people praising it just need to shut up, thanks).
i mean, if you can say one positive thing about it, it’s that the two lgbt characters got the strongest and most intricate individual arcs, but as a ship they were absolutely sidelined and underwhelming after all the hype and build up.
what he says: i'm fine
what he means: You know, I get it. Being raised as a superstar must be really, really difficult for you. Always a commodity, never a human being, not a single person in your family thinking you’re worth a damn off the court— yeah, sounds rough. Kevin and I talk about your intricate and endless daddy issues all the time. I know it’s not entirely your fault that you are mentally unbalanced and infected with these delusions of grandeur, and I know you’re physically incapable of holding a decent conversation with anyone like every other normal human being can, but I don’t think any of us should have to put up with this much of your bullshit. Pity only gets you so many concessions, and you used yours up about six insults ago. So please, please, just shut the fuck up and leave us alone.
Here is a probably finished but i think i wanted to do more with it pynch fic i wrote maybe a few months ago. i do a lot of these things and just leave them to take up space on my laptop because i think my writing is #bad most of the time but i actually kinda like this. It’s about 4.8k in words and has mild(?) adult content.
So he left Monmouth, calling to Gansey that he was going for a drive. Where to? He didn’t give specifics but he knew he was heading to St. Agnes to see his other miserable friend.
Adam’s anger, Ronan could tolerate in a way. Gansey’s anger was too under control most of the time, and while Ronan could appreciate Gansey for every part of him, Adam’s anger was like waiting for an explosion to happen. Sometimes it didn’t but you could see the way the spark made it’s way down the fuse of the dynamite. How Adam’s anger would build underneath the surface, and sometimes, he didn’t blow, sometimes he snubbed it before it got too big. And other times… boom. It thrilled Ronan just as much as every other emotion Adam displayed.
Upon his arrival at St. Agnes, Ronan didn’t even ask Adam if he wanted to come with, he sort of just walked in, commanded in a way that didn’t leave Adam room to refuse, not that he wanted to anyway.
Ronan had decided that they should go out for a drive and be miserable in each other’s company. They drove through the downtown core of Henrietta and out to the more uninhabited areas, it was supposed to be an adventure but neither of them was up for pretending to be as excited about that as Gansey would be. So, they opted for driving in circles, down little side roads off the main ones. They didn’t talk much either, their relationship had never been one filled with dialogue, unless it was completely necessary. The only words shared were little jabs, Ronan snidely commenting on the way Adam would sigh in awe and envy at some of the bigger homes they’d pass by and Adam retorting how ever he could. By that point in the ride, Ronan had made fun of Adam about 6 times and Adam in turn called Ronan the most colourful words he could imagine – Ronan laughing as Adam strung curse words together that didn’t even sound like they should have been together at all but he appreciated the effort as the master of all compound insults. And just as Ronan was going to say just that, inhaling roughly between his laughing fits, Adam was suddenly over come with this need to compliment his friend. There was something in that smile that tugged at Adam’s heart; he recognized the feeling from previous incidents not much like this, not just a smile. It was when Ronan would bump into something and swear loudly enough for everyone in the 30-mile radius to hear, when Ronan was speaking Latin, his mouth working around the familiar words in a way that was almost indecent. When Ronan would be tired, his entire body wearing that exhaustion but his mind still wouldn’t let him rest, the expression he displayed on his face read as irritable infant and forty year old workaholic all at once; those all tugged at his heart the very same way. So then, without any warning, the words flew from his mouth, unstoppable. He didn’t want Ronan to find out this way but that’s the way it was. There was a short moment of almost silence, then Ronan let out a loud guffaw laced with disbelief and mild disgust, what ever else was wrapped around the loud noise was unidentifiable even to Ronan himself. It’s not like he believed he was hard to look at, on days when it was bearable, when he wasn’t afraid to see his father’s most sharp features staring back at him, he would look in the mirror and feel a sort of pride from what would stare back at him. He would quicker say handsome, or cool, he would even accept scary or ferocious, but beautiful? Adam Parrish was calling him beautiful?
“Are you seeing weird shit from Cabeswater again Parrish?” Adam squinted, not really wanting to dignify the question with a response. It was already out there, and while Adam Parrish wasn’t against lying to cover up his feelings, he felt that the moment was too pure to be tainted by something like his pride. In those few moments of silence, Adam decided he wasn’t going to take it back.
“No, I’m talking about you Lynch.”
Then there was a short silence again, the words pressing at Ronan in ways he wasn’t sure he wanted to confront at that very moment.
“Stop fucking around Parrish.” His tone was still dripping in disbelief and Adam just shrugged, biting at a hangnail and staring out the window of the BMW, barely paying attention to the scenery they sped by. “Okay, but m’not fucking around or anything” He didn’t even look at Ronan as he said this with a sort of finality in his voice, the promise of bringing it up later because right now he didn’t really want to fight about this, and Adam knew it would definitely turn into that.
---
The second time happened a couple weeks later. The first time was tucked away neatly at the back of their heads, in a folder labeled in bold black letters ‘to discuss’ but neither of them could bring it up. They weren’t purposely skirting around it, it just never seemed appropriate to discuss in the middle of Latin class, or while discussing ley lines and Glendower. The closest they ever got to even mentioning it was a time when both Ronan and Adam caught Gansey flattening a piece of Blue’s hair the same way Noah would, though his touch lingered for seconds longer. That those few seconds made it all too intimate, in those few seconds, Blue leaned into the touch, perhaps unconsciously but the effect it had on Gansey was all there. He let his hand slide down and his face contorted into what Adam thought he felt when he looked at Ronan. That feeling in his gut had an expression, and that expression looked an awful lot like extreme fondness, beyond friendship, beyond boundaries that none of them were quite ready to pass. With that in mind Adam glanced over to Ronan who had already been looking at him and in that moment, he knew that Ronan saw it too. They didn’t address it; they didn’t address their feelings or the ones that were clearly being suppressed by their friends in front of them. They left it alone and decided to let it sit some more. The moment wasn’t quite appropriate.
In hindsight, Adam should have realized an appropriate moment would never come up anyway, since this time it spilled out of his mouth when Ronan was angry. Adam cursed his mouth, his brain, his heart; whatever part of him was responsible for the word vomit at a time where Ronan was most volatile.
Gansey was explaining the plan for their next Cabeswater trip, which wasn’t much of a find more clues towards Glendower plan and started sounding more like a picnic. Blue was the first to mention this, her tone amused,
“If you want to have a picnic, why don’t you just say so the normal way instead of making it sound like something else?”
“What do you mean Jane?” the innocence behind the question made it seem like Gansey really had no clue that what he was asking for really was a picnic. Blue rolled her eyes and sighed, though it was clear she wasn’t annoyed at all.
“Sounds like a ball, we can even play games too; like toss the dead person off the magical cliff and see if there’s anything at the bottom.” Ronan suggested, unenthused.
“We’re not throwing Noah off of a cliff.” Gansey responded in an authoritative tone at the same time Noah rejected the idea.
“You’re not throwing me off of a cliff.”
“But you’re dead? It’ll be fun! You can’t eat so you may as well go cliff diving.”
Adam was nodding off during the entire thing, he had just finished work and headed straight to Monmouth since Gansey had said it was important that he was there. Adam thought it was because the topic itself was important but the nature of the conversation showed that Gansey just thought it was important because Adam was also one of them. The same way Ronan, Noah and Blue were; talks of Cabeswater, even if just for a picnic trip, were meant for all of them to be included in.
Just as Gansey began to explain the lunch menu for their trip, Noah flickered out, appearing again after a second, his expression grim.
“What happened? Did you finally see the devil?” Ronan asked
“Declan’s here to see Gansey.” Ronan’s expression immediately soured and they all stood up, ushering themselves into Noah’s room before Declan made it to them.
From the other side of the door they could hear the sound of Declan’s steps, hard and loud, boasting confidence they all knew to be false.
They tuned out before Declan even greeted Gansey, retreating farther into Noah’s immaculately clean room. Ronan didn’t have to eavesdrop to know the entire situation was playing out like a parent teacher interview.
“I received word that Ronan hasn’t been attending class again” Declan would start in his official man of status voice.
“He will, I’ll get him to go don’t worry about it.” Gansey would reply, sounding much more like the one in charge.
“I expect you will, you made me a promise last time”
“And you don’t hesitate to remind me every time we meet, even when you know there’s nothing to worry about.”
The entire situation itself was what angered Ronan. The fact that there was an entire conversation going on about him that he wasn’t included in, for very good reasons perhaps but reason didn’t make it feel any better.
Adam could see this anger brewing on his face, could see as Ronan’s muscles tensed under his skin, his adrenaline pumping just as it did any time Declan was present. Adam felt himself moving between Ronan and the door, he wasn’t sure why – if Ronan wanted to fight, Adam standing between the only thing between him being in the same room as Declan was not going to stop him.
Ronan immediately felt Adam’s intentions as he stepped into his line of sight and he growled.
“The fuck are you doing Parrish?” Adam shrugged, hands in pocket.
“Nothing in particular.” The answer wasn’t enough. Ronan approached Adam now, radiating hostility; he dropped his voice to something a bit louder than a whisper.
“If it’s nothing, get the fuck out of my way.” his eyes were bright in colour though dark in intention. And both of those deep blues were set on Adam, staring right into him as if will alone would make him move. The look itself was what made Adam stir, the look was similar to how he’d expect Ronan to look in other situations, both eyes set and unwavering, boring deeply into Adam as if trying to get him to unravel. And it was so unexpected, how this feeling came, how it bubbled in his gut and made him tilt his head in a sort of confusion. That action itself from Adam took Ronan off guard.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” he asked, the same voice with a hint of taunting, maybe a drip of genuine curiosity.
“You are so beautiful.”
Right from his gut to his throat, Adam said it again, not even meaning to – he didn’t even realize the power Ronan had over him before this moment and wow he was fucked.
Ronan’s expression went from hostility to confusion to realization. His breath caught in his throat and he bit his lip, almost unsure of how to proceed. He looked back at Blue and Noah who had been talking amongst each other before but were now quiet, watching the scene in front of them unfurl like if they were watching a TV drama. Then he looked back at Adam, his stomach still twisting in anger and confusion and then he just left. There was no more fight in him so Adam didn’t stop him.
Ronan didn’t even snap as both Declan and Gansey turned to look at him as he stormed out of Noah’s room and into his own. Upon entering his room Chainsaw could feel his discomfort, she began to screech in her cage and Ronan took no time in letting her out. She cawed in thanks before flapping around Ronan’s head as he made his way to his bed. He desperately needed to lie down; he needed to think because he hadn’t truly thought about it before. He hadn’t thought too much about Adam calling him beautiful or what it meant. He hadn’t thought about it perhaps being a fleeting moment or a thing that Adam thought constantly.
He laid on his back, watching Chainsaw circle above him, round and round like the thoughts in his head. The problem wasn’t that Adam thought he was beautiful, that wasn’t a problem at all. The problem as that he had thought the same about Adam for so long and he shoved it right to the back of his head with everything else he wanted to keep hidden. But with all the secrets he was supposed to be keeping flowing front wards and letting themselves be known, Ronan should have known that this one was going to get dragged along as well.
---
Ronan wasn’t sure if he was allowed to count the third time, because it was in a dream. Whispered between breaths against his skin. He woke up and he was unable to move. Paralyzed from the dream and the pleasure of it, the lingering touch of Adam’s calloused fingers still tracing over his skin.
“Fuck,” he muttered, voice heavy with sleep. He hadn’t dreamt about Adam that way in months, he thought that if he suppressed the feeling of wanting him so much, the dreams wouldn’t come at all. “Fuuuuck.” He groaned again, turning onto his stomach and burying his face in his pillow. He though about how Adam held him close, filthy words spilling from his lips as he mouthed down his jaw. How Adam’s fingers ran over the raised ridges of his tattoo, than lower, down his back, lower.
“ah, fuck.” He hissed the expletive again as he reached his hands into his boxers, wrapping around himself, grinding into his tight fist.
---
Adam wasn’t sure if he was allowed to count the third time. The three of them, four if you count Noah flickering in and out of existence were seated on the ground of Monmouth, practicing phrases in Latin while they waited for Blue to arrive. Their system involved cue cards Gansey had made, a phrase in English as they knew it on one side, the latin translation on the other. They took turns drawing cards and saying simple phrases. Laughing at Gansey who had made them but stumbled over some of the simplest phrases, “sorry it doesn’t come to me as easily as you two marvellous geniuses.” Ronan had just drew the card for “I think, therefore I am” and his Adam couldn’t even explain how lovely the words ‘cogito ergo sum’ sounded flowing from those lips. Ronan smiled, not a full one but a smile nonetheless, before passing the stack to Adam who picked a card from the middle handing it to Gansey who read it off for him.
“Ah, this one is easy. ‘You’re beautiful.’” Why was it that any time Adam had handled a deck of cards they were always trying to tell him something these days? He tried not to be too obvious about this phrase and how it’s been haunting him as of late. How he looked it up just the other night because there’s nothing more romantic that professing your love to someone in a dead language. He let out a shallow sigh, translating the phrase.
“Tu pulcher es” Ronan was looking right into his eyes as he said this, he only knew this because he was looking right at Ronan. Then there was that silence, the inevitable silence that always came after Adam slipped up, the one that made the whole world seem like it was only Adam and Ronan. But this time, it wasn’t at all, and Gansey tried to make it known, clearing his throat. The sound was deliberately soft.
“You’re right I guess… I wrote it down as if it were being said to B-, a girl… but you’re not wrong.” Gansey internally winced at his near slip up but didn’t let it bother him too much. By the scene in front of him he could tell that his friends could care less if he said Blue at that moment. Ronan was still staring at Adam in a way that seemed more like he was staring into him. Trying to figure out why he does what he does, why he says the things he says. He was trying to pick Adam apart with that stare. Adam just looked as if he were waiting for Ronan to do something. What he wanted Ronan to do, Gansey could only make an educated guess from the way Adam’s eyes seemed to dart from Ronan’s own, then catch on his lips before sliding back up.
The two had clearly forgotten that Gansey was still in the room.
Just as he was about to speak up again, Blue came in through the door, with Noah leading her towards them. In that moment Ronan and Adam straightened themselves out, the tension in the room was still there though not as stifling as it had been only seconds before.
“Good evening guys,” Blue greeted them as she dropped to join them on the floor, scooting herself just a little closer to Gansey, so her arm could brush against his crossed leg.
“Hi Blue,” the three of them responded in unison. Blue didn’t bother asking what was wrong, she could pick out pieces by the weird tension in the room that Noah hadn’t held back on telling her about the moment she arrived. “The moment you go up there you’d be lucky if Ronan and Adam aren’t eye fucking as they have been for the entirety of the evening.” She looked between the three of them, then shared a look with Noah.
“I guess I am lucky.”
---
“I think we need to talk,” That was Adam, of course – he slid into Ronan’s room closing the door behind him and leaning against it as if waiting for an invitation to go further. Ronan’s room was supposed to be no man’s land anyway and no matter how many times Adam had ended up in his room, he still felt unwelcome every time.
Ronan had been laying on his bed prior to Adam’s entrance but now he was sitting up, eyes bleary as if he had just been sleeping.
“Sorry, did I wake you?” Ronan shook his head,
“Nah, I woke up about ten minutes ago…” Adam nodded in understanding, and then he began shuffling his feet, really unsure of how to proceed. He found himself opening and closing his mouth several times, hoping the right words would form but there was nothing. Just this pressing feeling that this couldn’t be avoided anymore, this conversation wasn’t something that was going to come about naturally. This conversation was something he had to force into existence because Ronan Lynch sure as hell would not. He opened his mouth yet again, shuffling, shuffling, rubbing his sweaty hands on his pants, and Ronan groaned.
“you look like a god-damned fish over there, stop shuffling in front of my door and get over here.” Well, that was a start.
As Adam made his way to the bed, Ronan scooted back towards his headboard, making space for Adam in front of him. Ronan admittedly wasn’t ready for this, to talk about this, to really address what ever this was but he remembered the sort of finality in Adam’s words when he said he wasn’t fucking around the first time and how he so clearly mirrored the same tone when he came through the door. They were going to do this. He closed his eyes, exhaling slowly as he felt the mattress dip from the weight of Adam sitting down and when he opened his eyes again, Adam was right there. Right in front of him, wearing this weary expression. It was clear that neither of them really knew how to start this conversation; Adam on one side was worrying at his lips, looking at his hands, his mouth kept forming over words with no sounds, While Ronan on the other side simply stared. He didn’t try for words like Adam, he knew he wouldn’t be able to think of an appropriate way to start so he just let Adam take his time. He really liked looking at Adam’s face, his prominent cheekbones, his brown eyes, not as stormy as his own but they were definitely a marvel. And his hair, Ronan, didn’t miss his own much but when he saw Adam’s he considered growing it out for a moment before thinking, no because he prefers to touch Adam’s hair, to feel the strands between his fingers as he rakes his hand across Adam’s skull. He could even do that right now if he wanted to. Ronan closed his eyes again, inhaling slowly, this guy… has me fucked up. And when he opened his eyes on exhale for the second time, Adam was looking at him with new resolve. It seemed like he figured out what to say, that happened sooner than Ronan expected.
“So…” Adam started, now he was scooting a bit closer to Ronan, as if he was too far from him to have this conversation.
“So, I think you’re beautiful.”
“God, that’s new information Parrish.”
“Don’t be an ass hat, I’m not finished,” Adam looked slightly annoyed but more or less amused with Ronan’s inappropriately placed sarcasm. The moment wasn’t allowed to be too touching as long as Ronan could speak.
“I think you’re beautiful, and I also think that you think I’m beautiful as well… correct me if I’m wrong Lynch,” and then he was closer, close enough to rest a hand between the space left on the bed between Ronan’s open legs.
“What if I said you’re wrong?” Adam moved closer, now and Ronan was doing nothing to reject him, to make him move away, instead he was letting his legs fall open wider, accommodating Adam and god, now he could really touch him without having to reach too far.
“Well Lynch, we both know that you pride yourself on not being a liar,” smooth so smooth. Adam’s face was now only inches from his own when he breathed out his response and Ronan was anticipating the next move, he could feel how much Adam wanted this and it was almost as much as he wanted it himself. Only then did Ronan reach out to touch Adam, brushing his fingers jst behind Adam’s ear, then snaking his one hand to play with the hair just on Adam’s nape. it was a strangely gentle gesture coming from him, but it was more than just a touch. In a way it was confirmation, making it clear to Adam that yes, he most definitely wanted this too.
“You’re right, and I’m not going to fuck that up today.” And just like that, their lips finally met.
Kissing Ronan was unlike anything Adam could have ever imagined. The heady pressure of Ronan’s lips against his, the natural push and pull. How he’d apply more pressure and Ronan would press right back, up for the challenge before breaking apart. Now both of Ronan’s arms were winded around Adam’s neck, making it hard for him to move, not that he wanted to. He wanted to keep kissing Ronan so much it was the only thing he could properly think about. So he fell back into it, lips parted this time because he was feeling brave, because opened mouthed kisses with tongue were all he could think about when it came to Ronan, that among other things. The first kiss was to test the waters, the second; was a full dive.
Ronan appreciated the first kiss for what it was, slow and testy, but the second one was more of what he wanted. What he needed, definitely needed more of. The only thought that made it through his head as Adam’s tongue pushed passed the seam of his lips was fuck yes more, because Adam Parrish was an amazing kisser. Adam Parrish knew exactly what he was doing to the point where Ronan was almost suspicious of Adam’s dating history. Ronan let his tongue wind with Adam’s briefly, unsure if he was doing it right, or if Adam would even like it, but his worry didn’t last long when Adam made a small whining noise, whispering a small again, into Ronan’s mouth. Adam pushed harder after that, Ronan greedily accepting it all because he wanted to taste more of Adam, he wanted to feel more of Adam. Ronan let himself be kissed thoroughly by Adam. He let him run has hands up his arms and down his back; tracing the lifted ridges of his tattoo just as Adam had done in his dreams so many times before. Though without the haze of a dream, the feeling was so much more potent. He felt shivers rolls down his body as Adam’s fingers worked across his back slowly, tracing up and about halfway down his spine.
“Ronan, can I?’ He broke apart the kiss for only a second, enough time to ask permission for what? Ronan wasn’t sure but he knew he would let Adam do anything to him.
“Yes, what ever you want, yes” he hissed between kisses. He was completely in Adam’s lap at that point. Ronan wasn’t exactly sure of how it happened but at some point, but he didn’t even care enough since he was so pleased with how well he fit in the gap between Adam’s crossed legs. There was no time to marvel at those little things when Adam was now uncrossing his legs and pushing Ronan back and down, slowly. Controlled. Adam bearing a good percentage of Ronan’s weight and Ronan thinking at the back of his head, fucking mechanic, just before it hit the pillow. Then Adam was entirely on top of him, shifting just enough so their hips were pressed together and holy shit, Adam was hard. Though he said it was anything was okay, Ronan was suddenly very unsure if what was coming was okay.
Ronan was so beautiful just like this, pinned underneath Adam, skin flushed, breath coming from between his lips in harsh puffs of air. Adam kissed down his neck then right up to his ear, tugging the lobe between his teeth softly and revelling in the way Ronan hissed at the action.
“Is this okay?” Adam whispered, he wanted more but he knew he could be greedy.
“Just the kissing today, okay?”
“Okay,” Adam smiled his perfect straight toothed smile, nodding. It was okay, he didn’t need to do more than kissing. Adam couldn’t believe this; he couldn’t believe how much he liked Ronan Lynch. He dipped back down into Ronan, kissing his lips softly for the final time before rolling off to Ronan’s side.
It took some minor adjusting so they could lay comfortably side-by-side; foreheads pressed together, eyes bright with a fondness beyond what they even thought they truly felt before that point. Ronan felt as though every bone in his body were made out of jelly, and he let out a wistful sigh with a smile on his lips as he ran his fingers through Adam’s hair. Adam smiled back, his heart still pounding; the smile on Ronan’s lips didn’t help it slow down any.
“Why are you smiling like that,” Adam said, it came out as a breathless chuckle.
Ronan looked like he was thinking about the words he’d say next for a few moment, obviously pretending to roll the words around his skull before laughing them out, his tone slightly imitating Adam’s usual one. “It’s just… You’re beautiful,”
And it was true. Though delivered as a joke, there was nothing more true than what Ronan had said. Adam shook his head, lightly smacking Ronan in his arm while muttering a “you asshole,” and pulled him closer. They fell asleep together just like that, curled up close together, smiles on their faces.
things that sound like fake spoilers for trk but are actually real
ronan and adam adopt a child
maura sargent at one point in time banged a tree
ronan dreamt up a deer fursona of adam
a set of triplets act like they are one person
someone says the words “eyeball chapstick”
helen asks gansey if he’s sleeping with ronan and/or adam
noah founded a long-lasting school tradition
blue sargent has an enjoyable time at an aglionby party
gansey gets pissed off because ronan keeps calling him dad
the gray man leans on the fourth wall to say that adam’s the male lead
gansey tucks blue into his overcoat
Why The Raven Cycle isn’t getting any diver$ity cookie from me.
This contains mild spoilers, and text from The Raven King.
The way Henry was introduced in BLLB was unforgettable. We saw him making an offhand rape comment. This is pretty common. See All For the Game series by Nora Sakavic where their lone!good!moc could be seen making the same proclamation throughout the series. I am willing to let it slide, maybe, this is not about race.
Moving forward to The Raven King, we get to know Henry Cheng better. He’s half Chinese and half Korean. His mother Seondeok is a Korean dealer of illegal antiquities. White authors can’t seem to write East Asians without associating them with mob, yakuza, and mafia? Another example: All For the Game series by Nora Sakavic
This is the part where it gets nauseating.
“Principles? Henry Cheng’s principles are all about getting larger font in the school newsletter,” Ronan said. He did a vaguely offensive version of Henry’s voice: “Serif? Sans serif? More bold, less italics.”
Blue saw Adam both smirk and turn his face away in a hurry so that Gansey wouldn’t see, but it was too late.
“Et tu, Brute?” Gansey asked Adam. “Disappointing.”
“I didn’t say anything,” Adam replied.
It was explicitly stated Henry’s second language is English. I’m going to assume Ronan is mocking the way Henry speaks, the intonation or accent of his voice. Whichever fucking way I look it is racist. Nobody even called Ronan out. The gross thing, the author made it into an “inside joke” for pynch.
This didn’t end right there. We have another pynch scene where they made a punchline out of Henry’s ethnicity.
“Adam made puerile jokes at Henry’s expense (He’s half Chinese? “Which half?”) and sniggered clannishly; Blue called them on it (“Jealous, much?”): Gansey told them to put aside their preconceptions and think about him.
Really? This made into the final publication? Minority’s ethnical identity isn’t a subject for crass puns. Blue and Gansey’s meek intervention is not going to pacify me. I’m not here for this. Once again, this become a “cutesy” pynch scene.
These vile ~scenes~ about Henry’s otherization serves no purpose. It doesn’t contribute anything to the plot. You can reason out the narrative is implying Adam and Ronan are jealous (of Gansey’s new attachment to Henry,) but the author could’ve made a different approach of executing that. This is deliberate.
Another troubling scene with Henry and Blue
It was this: Blue, teetering on the edge of offence, saying, I don’t understand why you keep saying such awful things about Koreans. About yourself. And Henry saying. I will do it before anyone else can. It is the only way to not be angry all of the time.
Great another Korean character written by white author who might or might not be experiencing internalized racism. Sounds familiar? See Ellen Oh’s intake of Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell.
I see a lot of bloggers here are now clamoring for Henry, maybe it’s because he’s greatly sculpted, or because he’s Asian and his characterization speaks to you. If your reason is the latter, I have news for you. There are plenty of Asian authors specifically Chinese, and Korean, who are out there doing a spectacular job at it. Here are some of them; Jenny Han, Renee Ahdieh, Cindy Pon, Malinda Lo, Ellen Oh, Maureen Goo, Marie Lu, Lydia Kang, Amy Zhang, Celeste Ng, S. Jae-Jones, and more.
POSITIVE THOUGHTS ON THE RAVEN KING
ok ok i feel like starting with the negatives is mean so lets put in some good stuff too even though i already said what i didn’t like
orphan girl eating things she shouldnt be eating
loose quote:
“what r u doin w/ ur future ronan?”
“i was thinkin of becomin a farmer c:”
BARN TIME WITH THE LYNCH FAN OMG i loved it
the KISs. THE KISS. i know i said something about the pynch was bothering me but over all i loved the kiSSES.
what we saw of the whole henry/gansey/blue dynamic. i want them to travel the world together my adorable bebs.
artemus hiding in the tree. sensitive tree man.
neeve advising piper to not do things and piper being all ‘ok but i literally do what i want c:’
henry in general, i love his character, i like that his native language is thought.
GROCERY STORE WORKER BLUE COMIN TO THE RESCUE * U * MY HERO.
any interactions between blue and ronan tbh. i love them. they are my babies.
i was going to move on but honestly blue and ronan are so pure and honest, i love it. i love the scene of ronan and blue in the kitchen while the boyfriends were sharing secrets, pondering the meaning of love and whatnot.
what i wanted out of that was a big sleep over with the gang at the barns but.... fanfiction will happen. im counting on y’all... or me. depending on how i feel.
oooo whatelelsslelselse.
CABESWATER LOVES THEm
like i already knew that quote before but it’s still my favourite thing? cabeswater loves them cabeswater will do anything for them cabeswater will give life back to one of them in the best way it can since they all wished for it. i love you too cabeswater.
ronan ‘i dreamt up cabeswater’ lynch
ronan ‘i dreamt up my lil brother too’ lynch
sir richard campbell ‘for gods’ sake’ gansey III in response to the above mentioned ronan lynch.
“THE HEAD IS TOO WISE. THE HEART IS ALL FIRE” im putting that on my body one day.
thats all i can think of right now. there will be a second wave that comes with the reread.
MmmMMmm thoughts on the raven king,
it could have stayed in the oven a little longer tbh.
like i loved some parts, some chapters, buttttt gosh it was missing so much.
im going to have to reread to really get into the parts and aspects that are really bothering me but this is really just the first batch of complaining from me.
i didn’t care about piper when i feel like i should have. i loved her in the last book but this time i was like ‘yawn ok piper’ it was boring, her death was anticlimactic too. that entire “auction scene” was boring to me like.... i could have done without it.
i wanted to care more for henry and i think i was supposed to but he was still gooey in the center. more oven time. fics are probably going to make me love henry more. but yeah, boring. not him as a character per se but his entire story. (i do secretly ship ganseyxbluexhenry now wow let me have that.)
i didn’t enjoy the pynch scenes really but i have to reread to get into that since i cant pinpoint what about that was bleh to me.
but on to something that really pissed me off,
the discovery of glendower. the lack of fanfare, the fact that he was just a dead dude. that - pissed me off. not because it happened, but because of when it happened. maybe if that happened a whole book ago, i would have been more excited to be honest? like ahhh shit where do we go from here? but since that happened with a few chapters left i was like ‘ok so....’ and i got mad because i knew it would be a crappy ass end like... there’s no build up from that just a straight line of question marks. im still mad. i thought that was so boring. i thought explaining the kill gansey and bring him back to life plan was boring. i thought the demon destroying cabeswater was also a bit boring like... mmm i feel like the demon + piper thing could have been played out a bit better....
these are just surface thoughts like please discuss this w/ me if you had similar feelings because im just <:
ALL FOR THE GAME MOODBOARDS → DAN WILDS
“we’ve lost enough, don’t you think? it’s time to win.”
richard campbell gansey iii, master of smooth, once lay in bed hoping that his crush would call and then, when she did, immediately began telling her interesting facts about ducks.
blue: i made this friendship bracelet for you.
ronan: you know, i’m not really a jewelry person.
blue: you don’t have to wear it.
ronan: no, i’m gonna wear it forever. back off.
Imagine this: Ronan Lynch kisses with his eyes wide open because otherwise he is afraid he might be dreaming
It’s because they’re in his bed at Monmouth and he’s had this exact dream so many times.
At the Barns it’s different. At St. Agnes it’s different. Hell, even naps in Cabeswater are different. Those are places he inhabits with wakefulness and awareness. The awareness that comes from being amplified by a place and feeling too big for your skin.
But here he simply is. Here he is not a king or a god or a worshiper. Here he is a boy who dances with sleep, sometimes leading and sometimes following. Who knows the cracks on his ceiling like he knows the back roads of Henrietta. Who sometimes dreams of tangled sheets and tingling lips and the rush of blood to every point of contact. Who wakes up alone.
Who just this evening had tangled sheets and tingling lips and the rush of blood to every point of contact and then passed into dreaming alone. Who woke up just now with sleep bleary eyes and a glow-in-the-dark clock (not a dream, a gag gift from Gansey) telling him that it’s just after 3:30 AM and Adam Parrish is still next to him.
Here, amidst his haphazard collection of impossible things, an impossible boy. All those dreams and he had never once dared to hope…
But it has to be real, doesn’t it? That’s what waking up means, bringing yourself through to fruition, reborn every day with weight and want and need and. Being. Knowing.
He knows. He thinks he knows. He traces his finger down the slope of Adam’s shoulder where the shine of pale skin in the light of the streetlamp bleeds into the shine of pale sheets. Dreams bleeding into reality.
Hope is a form of dreaming, right?
Adam stirs and Ronan pulls his hand away. He doesn’t mean to wake him, would never mean to take him from sleep any more than he would mean to take him from anything else Adam finds important.
Adam wakes anyway. He rolls onto his side so that he’s facing Ronan and looks at him with heavy lids. He yawns and stretches and settles again and reaches out to run his hand gently over Ronan’s head. The pleasant tug of his fingers against Ronan’s short short hairs is so satisfying. Adam’s hand comes to a rest against his cheek and Ronan tilts his head into it, body heavy with sleep but still drawn to Adam’s touch like Adam’s gravity and the earth’s gravity have equal weight.
They don’t. The tug of Adam is so much stronger.
“You’re awake,” Adam says, voice low.
Ronan hums his reply.
“God,” Adam says. He takes a deep breath and then exhales, long and slow. “God, god.” And the word sounds different every time.
God, the dark suits you.
God, I never knew there was touch like this.
God, our bodies are a riot in the quiet night.
Ronan agrees, but words are insufficient, so he kisses Adam instead. Because he wants to. Because he wants to prove that they’re real, that this moment is made of flesh and blood.
Adam closes his eyes, already halfway back to sleep, but Ronan keeps his open and clings to this.
Up close Adam’s freckles blur into one another. His eyelids twitch with the restless movement of his eyes beneath them. Ronan slides his hand around Adam’s lower back and pulls him closer. Adam’s eyelashes flutter, then still. They fan out large against the gentle slope of his cheek.
He of impossible being. He of passionate boyhood. He of crackling magic straining against the frame of one of the people Ronan loves the most in the world. He, he, he.
It was always going to be a he, Ronan knows now, but he feels lucky that it’s this he, that it’s him. That Adam wants him back. That he’s willing to tangle himself up in Ronan’s sheets and Ronan’s limbs. That he’ll give parts of himself to Ronan, parts he’d previously been holding so tightly.
So Ronan keeps his eyes open, watches for the threshold between asleep and awake, and makes sure to keep his promise to find Adam on either side of the divide.
I haven’t really seen any fancasts of David Wymack, but when I was reading TFC for the second time I saw he had “tribal tattoos” and my brain just immediately went to Dwayne Johnson. i don’t really know why, but it made for an entertaining read-through. Like picture Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson wrangling a five foot tall Andrew Minyard. Picture Dwayne Johnson, The Scorpion King, having an aneurysm every time Neil “Human Disaster” Josten calls out the Moriyamas. Picture him listening to Kevin whine about how much the Foxes suck for hours on end. Dwayne Johnson letting Allison paint his nails on a long, boring bus ride. It’d be like that movie The Pacifier, except like fifty times worse.
Adam: knows Ronan has a crush on him
Gansey: knows he's gonna die
Noah: knows literally everything
Ronan: doesn't know a fucking thing, my guy
im bored and thinking about kid!blue
drinking milk everyday to grow big and strong like mama (to her disappointment mama was not as tall as kid!blue thought. she figures putting the wrong idea out into the universe is partially why she is so short.)
being bullied by orla for being a shrimp (orla rubbing her temples: the voices from beyond are telling me u r a shrimp) (blue: |:)
wishing whenever she possibly could to grow taller.
maura: blue what do you want for your birthday?
blue: to grow three inches
maura: look a shooting star, make a wish!
blue: i wish to grow five inches
new years day blue: my resolution is to grow 9 inches
persephone: you know, a resolution is supposed to be something attainable that you have control over
blue: im 12, it’s attainable! (blue only grew like three more inches before she stopped for good)
Hi, just wanted to say your adam parrish meta is fantastic and i love reading it. I was wondering if you have any thoughts about the difference between Adam's reaction to when he thought Gansey paid his rent vs. his reaction (or lack thereof) to Ronan paying it. I feel like it maybe says a lot about his relationship with both of them and how he maybe views their richness differently but idk. I'd like to know what your views on it are though
I think there is no point at which Adam assumes that Ronan Lynch is trying to control him, which is really the difference.
Adam outright links his father’s control to potential control by Gansey in the first book. He clearly sees how Gansey is different from him socially and what others might take from Gansey offering him assistance: not love, but charity, and charity of a kind that makes Adam one of Gansey’s things. And he seemes to read Gansey’s love in that way too. He doesn’t really give Gansey credit for trying to be a friend until BLLB’s courtroom scene. And I don’t think Adam is 100% wrong? He’s like 75% wrong, but I will give him partial credit because, honestly, Gansey and Control is a thing. every time I’ve suggested that Gansey likes to control his situation and that of those around him, I’ve had people violently react with Gansey is not controlling!!! which, like, okay. He’s not controlling in the way Robert Parrish is controlling. He’s not controlling in the sense of being deliberately manipulative or cruel or getting high off of having power over people’s lives.
but Gansey absolutely – absolutely and understandably when you think about his background and his upbringing and his trauma – does not want situations to spiral out of his control. To misquote Ronan Lynch in TDT, because he is Gansey, he usually wants all of them there and he wants to be in charge. It’s not malevolent control but it is a desire to make sure his people are safe, to know they are all handling each other appropriately, to trot out logic and rationality and wisdom and all those clear-headed Glendower qualities and use them to make everything right for everyone. Because he loves these people! He loves them and he wants to make the world right for them. Control. you can’t really be a king without it, though maybe he’d like to think he’s a king like the best myths about Glendower and can rule people out of sheer love, idk.
My point is: I wouldn’t really be surprised if Adam has a hard time telling love and control apart, and I wouldn’t really be surprised if Gansey theoretically can tell the two apart but in practice expresses his love by, like, trying to talk at Adam about what Adam’s experiences are like and very logically delineating the boundaries of Adam’s life in a way you really shouldn’t do with abuse survivors because their right to trust their own impressions >>> your right to love them so hard that you get to be annoyed when they don’t let you dictate how they should be reacting to you.
Gansey clearly never means to come across as controlling to Adam, but he does, and part of that is Adam’s own issues and inability to see genuine friendship, and part of that is that Gansey really does want to control Adam’s life for the better.
so I don’t even think Adam is kinder to Ronan about it because he loves Ronan more or because Ronan is so super clever about the way he offers help or w/e. I think it’s mostly because Adam hardly sees Ronan as likely to control his life. mind you, this isn’t totally fair to Gansey. Ronan isn’t immune to telling Adam what Adam’s needs are or what Adam should be doing. in BLLB, Ronan tells him to forget Aglionby and college because Adam has a bond with Cabeswater. Adam just dismisses him outright. There’s no agonizing over it; there’s no internal pain over Ronan setting out what Adam should do or Adam becoming one of his things. Adam pretty clearly doesn’t perceive any danger of that with Ronan. Ronan’s not going to try to control the universe to make things better for people. and tbh at several points in the books Adam’s (and a lot of other people’s) perception of Ronan is that Ronan barely makes any effort to control himself.
things blue sargent has in her college dorm room freshman year:
a new paper tree forest on her wardrobe door. this one is made out of construction paper, magazines, and old newspapers, and it’s a specific kind of forest. there’s blue lilies falling from the top, past the sprawling trees and into the pond full of red-bellied fish below.
maura’s tarot deck. blue had tried to refuse the present, as she has no use for a tarot deck, but maura had said daughter in a tone that implied blue was breaking some kind of sacred emotional ritual, and blue had said mother in a way that said a hug and some burnt brownies probably would’ve done the trick but fine, thanks, okay, and then blue had tucked the deck into her bag and they’d both giggled at each other for getting misty-eyed.
on her desk, she’s got a collection of stones–some of them are calla’s, given back to blue. (it’s not like blue’s thoughts are still coming off of them, calla says. blue squeezes one tightly, thinking i love you; you’re my mom too; i love you i love you i love you, and leaves it in calla’s favorite purse.)
in her desk drawer, blue has persphone’s dissertation. she stole it from her room before she left fox way. she hasn’t read it yet, but sometimes it makes her feel better, knowing that some new words of persphone’s she hasn’t heard yet are just a few feet away. she also has persphone’s favorite knitting needles, which blue is using to make a rather frumpy sweater in her down time.
nail polish from orla, in violent orange and neon blue and forest green. (orla also gave her a crash course on mixed drinks, the numbers of eight different siblings of orla’s friends who are attending her college, and the dress that blue has been trying to steal out of orla’s closet since orla outgrew it four years ago.)
a box full of letters from her boys. it’s adam that she writes on a weekly basis–he needs it most, she thinks, because ronan’s got matthew and noah, gansey’s got his family, and blue has hers. he writes back every time, usually matching her letters for length.
a cardboard miniature of 300 fox way. blue didn’t see gansey set it down on her nightstand the day he helped her move in, but she notices it as soon as they’ve said their goodbyes and blue headed back to her room. the detail in it is what she would expect of gansey, and it warms her heart to see it–her home, her past, her family, recreated with love from the person she knows will be part of her future.
a ball of yarn that never seems to end, and manages to change colors and thickness to fit whatever blue wants to knit or crochet at the time. she hadn’t thought much of it when ronan tossed it at her as she packed her bags, but it’s proven to be endlessly delightful (and baffling, if you’re her roommate).
dozens and dozens and dozens of pictures, all taped to the wall above her bed. her and orla when they were little girls, tucked into a pillow fort and giving maura identical petulant get out looks. maura and a five-year-old blue both bundled up in thick jackets and chunky hats, cheeks red from the cold, beaming at the camera. maura, calla, and persphone flushed and laughing as they played their drunken guessing games. blue and cialina flipping off the camera in their nino’s aprons. gansey, looking into the distance like some hero posing for a sculpture. gansey, asleep on a textbook with his glasses half off of his face and his jaw slack. ronan petting chainsaw’s beak. ronan giving blue a piggyback ride when she sprained her ankle. noah’s face when he’d looked in his room and seen that they’d decked it out in 2005-era sk8r punk gear. adam scrunching up his nose at the presence of the camera. adam, ronan, gansey, and blue the day of aglionby’s graduation, all of them grinning at the camera, all of their arms looped around each other.
