Project 77 - By Martin Deschambault

Now that I study Politics, all I can think about is the theories applying to what she’s saying. I should be able to just enjoy Monty Python.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975), dir. Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones

I’m a cis-gender man which basically means that, when I was born, the doctor went “It’s a boy!” and when I was old enough to understand I agreed with him.

The thing is, I don’t know why I feel like a man.  I was teased and bullied for it a lot when I was little.  I’ve never had stereotypically American male interests.  I never cared about sports or cars or guns.  I was more interested in music and cooking and the arts.  I’ve always been emotionally in tune and sensitive, even when I did my best to suppress my emotions to survive a childhood of abuse from other children.

It’s not physical either.  I don’t feel like a man because I have a penis or a beard.  If you put my brain in a robot body or any other body, my essence would still feel male (I assume).  I literally can’t imagine what being any other gender would feel like, since I feel so acutely male.

I think that’s why the concept of being transgender always made sense to me.  I’m a man.  I don’t have any bloody clue why I feel like a man, but I don’t feel that it’s tied to my body or my interests or the way that I’ve been treated.  I feel like a man because of something beyond that.  Something ephemeral.  So, why couldn’t others feel the same?  Why couldn’t a person who’s been misidentified as a girl feel like a boy for the exact same nebulous reasons that I do?

And, since gender really doesn’t make any sense to me anyway, why couldn’t there also be people who feel as if they don’t have one?  Or who flow across genders like a ship on a map?

Are there people out there whose sense of their own gender is inseparable from their physical form?  If you put those people into robot bodies or, simply, other physically different bodies, would their gender identity also swap?  If so, why?  Are they actually more lost in their gender identity than I am and they need to hone in on the physical in order to anchor themselves?

Why do people feel like they are the gender that they are?

it’s 2020

A really sweet art of Sanders’ inauguration look.

Lily Van

A surreal yet natural image.

This Lion’s Mane mushroom growing in a swamp 😰

How I treat my Depression

For the last few days I’ve been debating what to write for my first post, and I’ve settled on this. For much of my life I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and brief bouts of depression, and have developed a way of looking at it. For me, depression is like I’m in a sea. Sometimes, I’m doing well and contentedly swimming along, but most of the time I’m simply treading water. However, sometimes something will pull me down, or I’ll simply get tired, and I fall under the water. This drowning may only be brief, or it could be drawn out, and at these points life is just something I want over. To get out, I have to swim up, and sometimes that’s harder than other times, and has been getting harder recently. Hence why I’ve set up this blog- sometimes just having people around you who know what’s happening helps. So thank you internet for existing.

Atlantis, in pastels on rough watercolour paper.

It's so odd being off my antidepressants for the first time in ages (new GP delays). I've had constant headaches and gotten lethargic really early through the days, and now it's the end of the 2nd day without them and it's like the future just lost meaning again? After I've actually been getting excited about planning for the future for a while now? At least it proves my dosage I guess.

do you ever get confused about where your mental illness ends and where you being a piece of shit begins ?? like am i just being difficult or can i really not do that