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chan’s room | ep. 52

AGUST D

there are so many important messages that suga is trying to convey to his listeners through his mixtape and im sure that if you’ve read the lyric translations, you definitely know what i mean. i am seriously blown away that we’ve been fans of bts for what, 3 years now? for 3 years, ARMYs have easily labelled yoongi as ‘lazy’, given him that ‘idagf’ image, and yet, we were oblivious to so many of his hardships. we’ve always known that he’s hardworking, more quiet than the other members, and more reflective, but this mixtape honestly blew me away because yoongi’s gone through so much in his idol career and we had no idea.

first off, he touches on a sensitive topic that idols don’t speak openly about: mental health. he raps about seeing a psychiatrist, battling with depression, self-hate, experiencing social phobia since age 18, putting on a front, and loneliness. His entire song “The Last” really touches on this:

a word said like habit, oh, I don’t give a shit, I don’t give a fuck those words are all words I use to hide my weak self that time I want to erase, that’s right, the memories I want to erase of that day I had that concert I was afraid of people, so I hid in the bathroom and stared at myself

and in “So Far Away”:

I’m in so much pain and lonliness but people around me keeping telling me to regain my consciousness I try to vent my anger but I only got myself so what’s the point of venting my anger I’m scared to open my eyes everyday and start breathing

these lyrics from ‘At Dawn’ also illustrate this:

I pretend I’m not lonely, I pretend I’m not suffering I pretend I’m okay for no reason, meaninglessly I pretend to be strong don’t come over the wall I’ve put up in front of myself don’t throw me off this island in this wide sea

he also talks about his struggles during his trainee days and i dont think he’s ever talked in depth about this period of his life. this mixtape gives us some insight about him moving to seoul, getting a part time job to afford the cost of living in the city, going to school dead tired after work, and still training with big hit to live out his dreams

was I needy for success? No just needy for money it’d been a long time since I forgot the words ‘in style’ I practiced at night and went to my part time job at dawn then even if I dragged that tired body to school I just slept I became 20 that way, the sight of the graduation room was suspicious

and the fact that he admits he puts up a front:

I hide the self that’s behind my defensive posture I hide myself completely like I’ve become a criminal, always I can’t even take one step outside the dorm that’s like a prison

all of these are reasons im so moved. because it really highlights how idols only show one side of themselves to the camera, and fans can never really know them fully. we only know the version of bts’ min yoongi that he wants to show us through shows and broadcasts.

behind every idol rapper who succeeds there’s a weak self standing, it’s a little dangerous I fall sometimes again into depression and compulsion hell no, anyway I don’t even know if that’s the real me

but through his music? through his mixtape, he’s trying to show us another side of him, and i’m so thankful that he’s opened up to his worldwide audience. this takes courage. talking openly about your hardships and your weaknesses to people who look up to you, that takes some damn courage. so thank you, yoongi, for opening up to your fans.