Mr Sandman

Girl so I'm cooking at like midnight and this recipe asks for caramelized onions and it says that should take 6-9 minutes??? Does this bitch think I'm stupid what this fuck. So now I'm trying caramelize these onions at 1230 am and as expected it is not taking 6-9 mintes

May I suggest: lying down on the ground staring at the ceiling.

The safest slep

My lizard sleeping very safely, very securely, head not exposed means body not exposed, the ultimate protective sleeping position against predators

Don't ever hesitate. Reblog this. TUMBLR RULE. When you see it, REBLOG IT.

I kinda want to let some crazy crunchy granola health guru try to "fix" me, just to see if it'll work. Just be their project for like, a year or two. It would be a fun experiment, I think.

Guys I just searched a tag on ao3 and got no results. I'm simultaneously like oo look at me having creative thoughts, and also I just wanna read fanfic.

lets hear it for transgenderism and faggotry. can I get a round of applause for transgenderism and faggotry

My sister's dog is a malamute mix, and while he's not quite as large, he got all the malamute fur. "Sister dearest," I say, "your carpet is lying on me again." Meanwhile, I struggle to breathe.

At the red lobster, stuffing cheddar bay biscuits into my purse

Drinking alcohol with a cut on the inside of your cheek is an extreme sport