🧿 To Keep You Safe From People Who Want To Do You Harm.

Yes! It's not that easy.

Sometimes, it's really hard for me to express myself into words. Maybe, that's because I need to know myself more and more. But it is becoming easier with you now. You might be thinking there are so many things inside my head and I bring out only a bit of it. I don't know if I have the strength to hold onto myself but, I know one thing, I am able to hold onto you as tightly as possible because I don't want to let you go. You can call me selfish and yes I am, because it's you. When I do anything wrong to you, I really feel that guilt, that ache of not being able to apologize whereas my heart actually wants to, very badly. It isn’t right ! But I always believe in showing my flaws to you because I know it's only you who will value them wholeheartedly. I do several bad things out of anger, take wrong decisions but I realize it too with utter grievances towards myself. I start hating myself for not being able to apologize to you for every mistake. I am afraid I will lose you. At times, I don't want you to be anybody else's company except mine knowing that is selfish enough. I am sorry. You have that freedom. When I feel dull and sad not talking to you, I want you to feel the same too. I hope you understand. I don't force you to do anything because it will become a habit. I will constantly force you to do things and in the process I may lose the grip. But I want to have all the rights on you.

That night when you said I must show my right on you, I was so happy, indeed happy to see you are holding me with your all. I want to take care of you. I am a messy person but I would still keep you organized, learn and cook your favorite dish with all my love. I want to stay awake lying beside you when you are sick and caressing you to sleep would be my utmost priority. I take bad decisions to keep us aloof, to keep us safe and not to hurt us. Forgive me for that. I want to dress up according to your choices of attire, to read your kind of books and embrace the new changes in me, to sing your favorite songs, to travel to your favorite places. I want to talk to you about the silly white lies being told to make things work good. These things would make me happier. I guess this is an in-built part of me which I could never express.

pause. breathe in. hold. breathe out. repeat.

remember <3

sometimes i wish i could grab my childhood self and shake them by the shoulders and say YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE WORTH LOVING. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHOSE LIVES ARE MADE BETTER BECAUSE OF YOU. YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. YOU ARE NOT DAMNED. SOMEDAY YOU WILL CRY OVER SUNSETS AND POETRY MORE THAN YOUR OWN PAIN. I NEED YOU TO REMEMBER THAT YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE WORTH LOVING. but i can't go back in time, so i say it to myself now. because i believe there's a future version of me looking back on this moment feeling the exact same way.

Idgaf if you don't want to write essays for school. I don't care if you don't want to write corporate emails yourself. I don't care if you can't draw well, I don't care if you can't write well, I don't care if you just really really want to talk to your favorite fictional character but don't want to RP with a real person because you have social anxiety or whatever

If you're still regularly using generative ai, chatgpt or midjourney or character.ai or literally whatever the fuck, im personally blaming you when my utility prices start going up.

being a person in your 20s is like being 40 and being 16 at the same time. i am simultaneously too old and too young for this shit

I am very tired and I want to be held by someone who loves me

Just a friendly reminder that sleep is one of the most important things to learning/improving at a skill!!

Your brain literally uses sleep to move all the things you learned that day FROM temporary memory TO permanent memory.

Don't underestimate the power of Sleeping On It 🛌💤