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Insomia - Blog Posts
Me, standing in my siblings doorway at 12:30 am with a trinket:
"I've brought you a gift"
Insomnia duo! Pt. 3(?)
the 2 are just so silly and u love the dinamic
please ignore if wanted, this is only venting out my thoughts 💭💭
Is anyone else sometimes forgetting who they are?
There are days where I forget I'm 22 years old, who used to draw her favorite characters, immerses herself in books such as Harry Potter and Percy Jackson, who stayed up as a child and to sneak into the kitchen and make herself strawberry milk, wanting to be a singer when so young and absolutely adored in going to playgrounds.
Whenever I see myself now, I forget that I was someone of my choice. Now, I only wonder what I'll make for dinner for my siblings, which of them are going off with friends and the time they'll be back, if there were days marked for parent-teacher conferences or upcoming performances and their schools, appointments for check-up or needing medicine for fevers, using any money I was gifted whether from birthdays or to buy myself something to get what my siblings need.
I can remember as a child, asides from attending school or visiting families, how normal it is to know how to make a bottle for a baby, to change diapers, to burp them, knowing what they can have and taking care of them whenever the adults were busy.
How normal is it that I learned to know so much for my siblings ever since I was a child, growing up knowing how to raise them, that I don't know what I like for myself anymore?
Do I still draw my favorite characters or whatever comes to mind?
Do I still read those thick books I used to carry everywhere?
Do I still just lay on my back with music playing in the background?
Do I still drink strawberry milk?
Ride bikes?
Karaoke with my cousin?
Why is it that the coffee I first took a sip of as a child now became a refuge to the hereditary migraines and headaches?
Why is it that I can take so much care for others but deny any sickness I'm undergoing to continue chores?
Is it because I'm scared of failing my siblings? Is it because I've grown so use to doing so much that it's unsettling for myself to be able to have time for myself?
Why am I only gaining help now, after my other relatives watched my breakdowns, my sickness from stress to heaving up whatever I had in my stomach, my grandmother whispering poisonous words about my mother to me whenever alone?
Why didn't I have help sooner? Why didn't they help when I had to switch to homeschooling because of my mental health declining and bullying I endured? Why didn't they help when I panicked for my siblings whenever sick, especially one with hydrocephalus? Why didn't they help when they saw me starve myself to give plenty to my siblings?
Why are they acting as if it's all in my head when I mentioned how my siblings and I keep to ourselves, staying out of their way because our mother wasn't allowed back in the house because of their own fault and hers?
I remember sitting in the darkness of the bathroom, hands clenching over the lower half of my face to muffle my crying, eyes burning and ears ringing because of all that I've been through. I remember tears in my eyes the second one of my cousins started yelling at me for something out of my control, nearly attacking me while an uncle watched and did nothing to stop her— only for another cousin to stop her and comfort me after while my siblings watched me.
I felt so pathetic and ashamed, having my siblings' eyes on me as I curled myself on my bed, fingers digging into my face and palms clamped over my lips as I felt my chest buzzing endlessly at the thought of my cousin, the one I considered another sibling, nearly punched me— my uncle watching, arms crossed and body relaxed, didn't move a muscle to intervene, the same man my relatives claim doesn't hate me or my siblings.
How I practically became a mother, unable to finish schooling during COVID-19 lockdown because all of my siblings had their classes, the younger ones needing someone to watch over them. I was 16, maybe 17 when I became their mother, called one by the last born child and sought for by my sibling with hydrocephalus for comfort at night to sleep in my bed and curl to my side.
At the first parent-teacher conference, I broke down because one of my siblings' elementary teacher saw how tired I was and helped with getting on my feet for GED.
I can't talk to the friends I had in highschool before transferring to homeschool because I'm no longer knowing who they are or become. Having no chances at dating with being so focused on my siblings and the social anxiety I have, not even knowing myself as I used to.
"You're over exaggerating."
"Learn to trust people."
"You're so independent."
"Your siblings are so dependent on you."
Words upon words, statement after statement, criticism after criticism.
I get so overwhelmed, overstimulated by stress and trying to do everything but then get told off as exaggerating what I do for my siblings.
I can't trust my relatives for my mom's side because so many have hurt me verbally, emotionally, mentally and nearly physically— I take so much from them to avoid it ever reaching my brothers and sisters, to where only tidbits of their nastiness reached the older ones.
I didn't want independence in the way it came. I needed others to see me drowning, see me reaching out to them when it became too much, shouldering and balancing too much on my plate, only to be dubbed as independent and thought as not needing assistance in any shape or form.
My siblings are dependent on me because they kicked out their father, they kicked out their mother, they never attended their conferences, they didn't see their first steps, they weren't the someone who cooked their food, did their laundry, showered them, cared for them when sick.
Hell, they only started helping now, only one of them is attempting to gain guardianship approved by our mother, only they have helped with getting what my kids need, their appointments, checking their grades.
I try to get back to writing, by gods I try, my mind spiraling with ideas of characters I break myself into pieces to create.
I try drawing again, each sketch lighthearted and faint in the light.
I try sewing to repair my clothes.
I try so much that it strains my aching body to relax and understand only now I'm getting the help I needed so long ago. I wonder if that small child from so long ago, who'd run for ladybugs and sing to the songs their mother grew up with, would ever come out to the light where there's no screaming aimed our way,
no argument so loud they'd cover their ears and clench their eyes shut,
no dizziness when having to get up and missing chances to eat for others to have,
no buzzing in their chests from the anxiety of the outside world.
Would we ever have a chance to build ourselves? Would we ever meet someone who'll stay by our side, grow to understand the meaning behind the eye bags and trembling hands, scratched knees and overstimulated thoughts? Would we ever get back to reading those books again, finding ourselves daydreaming of what'd it be like to be in those pages?
Sorry again for the long rambling and spouting, but I just needed to have it all typed out for now before anymore is thrown my way.
ass kicking insomnia + mothers constant snoring = fucking help
it’s nearly 3 in the morning and im sat on the floor of the bathroom in this shitty hotel room I have to share with my mum and my aunt
im going to fucking kms istf I can’t do this
having insomnia when having a chronic illness sucks!
my chronic illness flares up cause i don't get enough sleep, but i don't get enough sleep cause of my chronic illness
Reposting this as it's 5:25am and we haven't slept /silly
This is us constantly so made a userbox for it
Chat its 1:30 AM and I need to cry but allso shriek at the moon like a possum allso take multiple more melatonin
TW: Referenced/Implied self harm
So, these little guys may as well be a parasite, but I have made so many drawings of these guys over the last two days. I'm probably not going to stop any time soon, considering I want to make reference sheets for them to look like if they were actually in the game, so watch out for those soon, I will probably go in order of Coco, Azazel than Drina. But for now, just enjoy the two pages of drawing/doodles I have made of these guys. (Also don't mind the weird creature that looks this hatred from Block Tales next to Azazel)
The best part about Tumblr is that you can say nonsensical stuff like 'My cat identifies as a bologna sandwich' and nearly everyone who sees it will just agree or comment what their pet identifies as.
Really, it is wild here; and I was here when anime based rp blogs were EVERYWHERE.
how we feelin bout my Stay awake all night snacks?
help
i should have been in bed at least 3 hours ago ahahahhahahahh
I love sleep deprivation can’t you tell.
jokes on you, i'm all of the above!
"people who stay up at night are either insomniac or In love" people who stay up at night read gay fanfiction on AO3 what are you on about?
Beginning about first quarter of the first sextant of the solar cycle there is a special state of psychological being that allows one to engage with the arcane even in the waking state of those living in the mundane reality. This is the time that wizards thrive.
Not gonna get into it but having medical problems and getting very unlucky dude I had to crawl my way downstairs partially deaf and unable to move my eyes in their sockets (cuz pain scale 9 yeouch) (had to close my eyes every time I moved and only open them when I’m perfectly still like some kind of horror game) and like it was pretty freaking surreal having like no sleep feeling my way down the stairs in the house at 5:36 am lmao.
Felt kinda liminal, or maybe it was the migraine making me stupid idk 💀
But I was low-key feeling like an ego death or smt I felt like a creature on this planet bro.
Still don’t have my hearing back but hopefully it comes back eventually???? Cuz I can’t take the meds to fix it because it will react with my heart medication😔
Anyways I love pain meds <3
2 DAYS IN A ROW 😭😭😭😭 it’s 5:55am and I just reflexively punched everything off my fucking nightstand as I woke up bro 😭 istg I’m so fucking sick of this shit.
Also there was a cool dreams that felt like an scp type deal, a big cave that appears on coastlines with walls full of huge randomized human teeth and gums, nobody knows how far it goes and it doesn’t seem to follow any geographical limits from the outside world. From outside u can’t even see the interior very well, and if u enter it u are stuck in another dimension of infinite teeth tunnels. From an outside perspective once someone enters the tunnel they forget that person ever existed along with the existence of the tunnel. Kinda cool lol
Yo I hate these evil ass dreams bro💀 super confusing Groundhog Day style death loop thing every time i “woke up” and it always leaves me super confused when I actually wake up. Also at some point I woke up at like 3 am and reflexively kicked the wall super fucking hard and now my foot hurts 🥲
Am I genuinely tweaking or did I hear my neighbors car pull into their driveway while blasting Ultimate Showdown by Lemon Demon. It’s 5:25 am 😭
Guess who woke up at 12:30 and gave up trying to fall back asleep after 2 hours of trying 🥲
Normal people: How are we going to stay up until 12 for the new year? It's so hard!
People with insomnia:
İt looks bad as hell but sowwy I did it veerry quick 😅
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!
Late night doodles-2nd April
The moon is gone today...I wonder why? There's supposed to be a quarter moon still left but I can't find it. I just finished my geography exam, didn't finish the paper. I don't think I'll do well, I don't feel safe without the moon watching over me. I have another paper on Friday(math) the moon is supposed to be gone by then, and so I worry. I'll study for it soon. Just let me finish the doodle, I deserved it.
i haven’t slept since Tuesday night and i’ve been lying in bed for two hours and i can’t sleep. i actually give up
Villanelle/Jodie Comer never disappoints
i’m so sleep deprived i can fall asleep anywhere and anytime BESIDES my bed at reasonable sleeping hours
I have gotten. 3 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours. I am begging to the void, please. Please let me sleep. Please let me sleep. Please let me sleep
John Lennon X Insomniac!Reader - Midnight Memories 💤
(here is John's version of the previous prompt requested by anon!! hope you all are having a lovely day or night, wherever you are ✨️)
☆☆☆
John sat cross-legged at his desk, surrounded by scattered sheets of paper and pencil shavings. His fingers danced across the blank page of his workbook, sketching out intricate designs that seemed to materialize from the depths of his imagination.
He rubbed his tired eyes, trying to shake off the fog of exhaustion that threatened to consume him. It was another sleepless night, the hours slipping away like sand through his fingers.
He glanced at the clock, the ever-moving hands seemingly mocking his plight. He knew he should try to rest, but his mind raced with thoughts and ideas, refusing to be silenced. With a frustrated sigh, he pushed himself away from the desk and wandered into the living room.
You were already there, curled up on the couch, the soft glow of the television illuminating the otherwise dark space as you flipped through the channels in search of something to watch. You were suddenly shaken from your dull trance by approaching footsteps. You turned your head to identify the source of the sound, your face drawn with the weight of sleeplessness.
John made his way to your side, perching on the arm of the couch and brushing a lock of hair from your forehead.
"You too, huh?" he asked, his voice tinged with sympathy.
You shook your head with a frustrated groan. "It's like my mind won't shut off."
With a determined nod and no hesitation, John reached for the remote, taking it in hand and aiming it at the television set. He browsed the pay-per-view catalog for only a moment before selecting a beloved classic, one that held a special place in both of your hearts.
As the familiar theme music filled the room, he settled himself on the couch, sinking into the cushions beside you. You curled up next to John, the warmth of his body a comforting presence in the dimly-lit room. Together, you lost yourselves in the world unfolding onscreen, the characters and storyline drawing you in with their timeless charm and offering a welcome distraction from the turmoil of your mind.
With each passing moment the weight of insomnia began to lift, replaced by a sense of nostalgia and familiarity. As dawn approached and the first rays of morning sunshine slipped through the curtains, you found yourself leaning against John's shoulder, the rhythm of his heartbeat a soothing panacea. The gentle hum of the TV droned on, guiding you ever closer to the elusive embrace of sleep.
After a while, John looked down to see your eyelids shut, a peaceful expression gracing your features.
"Sleep well, love," he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead.
As he watched you drift off into slumber at last, John felt a sense of calm wash over him and he settled further into the plush upholstery of the couch. He closed his eyes, letting the rhythm of onscreen dialogue carry him away as he realized that sometimes, the most meaningful moments happen when the rest of the world is fast asleep.
Paul McCartney X Insomniac!Reader - Dream Weaver 🌠
(requested by anon!! John version will be posted soon 💞 enjoy, dearies)
☆☆☆
Paul sat in his cozy study surrounded by stacks of books, a dim desk lamp casting a warm glow on his delicate features. The night was still, the only sound the gentle rustle of leaves in the breeze from beyond the room's large stained glass windows. He sighed, glancing at the clock ticking away the hours. It was well past midnight, and it was par for the course for Paul to stay up this late. After all, he'd slept in until nearly noon - as usual.
For you, however, it was a different story. You'd spent last night tossing and turning, desperately trying to soothe yourself to sleep. Your eyes burned with exhaustion, a testament to the restless energy that consumed you. The following day you had trouble staying alert, despite the fact that you'd been wide-eyed and wired just hours ago. You willed yourself to push through your work and studies, groggy and uncoordinated in your movements. You were sure Paul had noticed your decline.
And notice he had. Paul couldn't help but imagine of you, lying awake in bed, struggling in your battle against insomnia. This wasn't new for you, simply another bout of sleeplessness, but it had been particularly brutal as of late.
With a determined sigh, Paul closed his book and made his way to the kitchen. He began to brew a fresh pot of chamomile tea, recalling its calming properties. He listened closely to the soft hum of boiling water, a comforting presence in the quiet of the night. As he waited for the tea to steep, he rummaged through the cupboards in search of a small jar of honey he'd purchased from the farmer's market only days before.
Armed with the tea and honey, Paul shuffled quietly to your shared bedroom and pushed the door open with his shoulder, the stiff wood creaking as he stepped inside. He is welcomed by the sight of you staring up at the ceiling above, your brows furrowed in frustration. You turn to look at Paul, your gaze softening as you smile weakly at him. He walks to the bed and takes a seat beside you, setting the mug and and jar down on the nightstand.
"Struggling to sleep yet again?" he asks gently, stroking your hair. You nodded, a faint frown marring your features.
"It's been tough lately."
Paul nods in understanding.
"I thought you may want a little something to help calm the nerves," he says, stirring a spoonful of honey into the steaming mug of tea and offering it to you.
You smiled gratefully and accepted, closing your eyes and sipping the fragrant brew. "Thank you, Paul. You didn't have to do that."
He shrugged sheepishly, crossing one ankle over the other as the two of you sat in comfortable silence. After a few moments you settled back under the covers, the warmth of the tea seeping into your bones. Paul began to hum a lullaby, a soft and soothing melody that wrapped around you like a cocoon and momentarily eased your stress.
You continued like this for a while, eventually closing your eyes. But inevitably your mind began to wander, your worries returning with more tenacity than before and gripping your mind with the same dreadful anxiety. You shifted positions a few times, grappling for solace in Paul's melodious voice. But finally you sat up, overwhelmed, and placed your head in your hands with defeat.
Paul halted his song abruptly and turned to your hunched-over form, a somber look on his face. "Not doing the trick?"
You sighed and shook your head wordlessly. Paul placed a sympathetic hand on your shoulder and started to brainstorm. After a few moments, his face lit up with playful inspiration.
"How about I tell you a story?"
At first you were taken aback by the suggestion, finding it a tad childish. But, realizing it may be just the thing to occupy your spiraling mind, you nodded and laid back to cozy up once again.
And so, Paul began to spin a tale, weaving a tapestry of adventure and wonder that transported you far from the confines of your bedroom. His voice sweet as the honeyed tea he'd brought you, a soothing balm for your restless soul, each word a brushstroke painting a vivid picture in your mind.
As he spoke, you felt the weight of the world lift from your shoulders, replaced by a sense of enchantment and awe. When Paul reached the end of his story, you found yourself smiling, the edges of sleep beckoning you with gentle hands.
"Thank you, Paul," you murmured, your voice hoarse with exhaustion and barely above a whisper.
Paul smiled back, his eyes sparkling with warmth.
"Anytime, love. Sweet dreams."
At last you drifted off to sleep, cradled in the comfort and magic of a fantastical realm. You felt a sense of peace wash over you, knowing that with Paul by your side, even the darkest nights held a glimmer of hope.
I was so exhausted and has zero spoons left. Tookna three hour trip to snooze land. Probably shouldn't have taken that long of a nap, but you know what? I DESERVED THE DAMN NAP!!!! I might still be tire, but I'm feeling refreshed of spoons today.
If you need to rest go do it. No need to feel guilty about it
3:19 AM What’s around me is sleep. What’s within me are thoughts dancing on songs I hate to hear.
3:20 AM now And I’m done with this prose— or to put it right, I’m done with this observation.