Pear’s Mental Hospital Journey - Blog Posts

Never kill yourself.

My roommate doesn’t want to keep our friendship up right now. They said that we each need our own space to work things out.

I am currently at the worst spot I have ever been mentally, to the point where I’ve been hospitalized, and he is just up and leaving.

I’ve texted them fun things, things I’m thinking, just to have some reason to talk to him but he doesn’t respond to more than half of the things I send. And when I told him that I was hurting and feeling ignored because of him not responding, they told me to think about myself right now and to work on getting better myself before pushing me off to go tell my family and get support from them instead.

I don’t want to talk to my family or tell them that I’m here. That seems like the worst thing I could possibly do right now.

Like usually I just get fucking hysterical and stupid and emotional and say dumb shit. I told them I wouldn’t tell my family cause I’m just a fucking failure. He gave me a better option to tell them I have been battling clinical depression to the point that I’ve been hospitalized. I just said no.

He turned on me and told me that he’d need my mom’s and sister’s phone number since he’s my emergency contact. And because I’m an idiot I told him to fuck off.

40 minutes later he sent me a long message saying that I do not get to speak to them like that and that he will be finding a way to contact my sister no matter what. He won’t be contacting my mom. They left of saying that we need some space from each other for both of our sakes.

I hate myself.

All I do is make mistake after mistake repeatedly and lose people I care about because of it. Not like they fucking care in the first place I guess.

And it’s not like this stupid fucking place is helping either. One hour a day with a psychiatrist. Please. You think that’s gonna do anything. There’s so much shit going on in my brain that not is going to happen while I’m here if you never send anyone to actually talk to me. People just fucking check to make sure I’m alive and not actually trying to die.

Fuck this. I want to go home. Curl up in my bed and die.

I want to go home

Spelling mistakes in my doctor prescribed hand outs? Never!

Though I am glad for the information that “The arms of the tringle are connect.” This is very useful.

A lovely nurse just asked if it was alright to keep my door open a little bit because it squeaks so much (though not like the door latches at all anyway lol) and I then learned the fact that the night shift checks on us every 30 minutes so that’s cool. Way more often than I thought and I’ve spent 2 nights here already lol.

Trying to have a normal chat with your friend on the phone because you’re in the psych ward and want company but they live in uni dorms. 🚒

They changed the meds my doctor gave me to help sleep two weeks ago because apparently one of the side effects of it is more vivid dreams which I already struggled with. Cause of it though, I slept like shit last night and woke up at 4 in the morning. I missed dinner because I fell asleep at 2 and didn’t wake up until 6…

I opened it! (Barely… but I did it!)

I’m being bullied by the chocolate pudding cup. The little pull tab thing broke off and I’m not sure if plastic utensil is strong enough to stab it.

Did something dumb with my food and nearly dropped my sandwich. Then proceeded to call myself crazy in my head before immediately remembering where I actively am. 😐

I’m being bullied by the chocolate pudding cup. The little pull tab thing broke off and I’m not sure if plastic utensil is strong enough to stab it.

Me: Gets an ad on YouTube from betterhelp that starts with “Let me guess, you’re thinking about going to therapy”

Also me: looks around slowly… “yeah.. thinking about going to therapy…” takes in the fact that I’m currently in a psych ward…

Ok I have determined that this book was written before you could play music from your phone because it’s saying you can bring a radio or an mp3 player with you. I’m even more impressed that it had a gay couple in it now!

“Certain sounds can soothe us. Listening to gentle music, for example, may be relaxing. In fact, this entire chapter was written while listening to classical music.” DBT book writer is a certified classical music enjoyer.

Keep in mind that I am a classical saxophone major in uni.

Ok I thought the DBT book was dating itself with how it was talking about the internet, but now it’s introduced a gay guy as its tiny example saying he had a fight with his boyfriend.

So that’s cool!

When the DBT workbook tells you to draw the faces of people you hate on balloons and then pop them 💀

When getting transferred out of the ER and to the mental hospital, I got to ride in an ambulamps with some cool paramedics. Halfway through the ride I said that it was pretty cool to be in an ambulance when it’s not some hectic emergency and he was so excited to show me around and where everything was and their new equipment. Did you know that the ambulances in my city just got new pulse oximeters that can read your pulse through your forehead rather than your finger? It’s especially important for folks who make have weak circulation, so the regular finger pulse oximeter can’t read your pulse, but there’s almost always good circulation to the head and brain so this new device can be used instead!

I’m not entirely sure how new it is overall, but apparently it’s new for the paramedics here :)

None of this whole thing has been told to my mom yet so while I was in the ER with my phone being dead I apparently got a text from her that just said, “Do your passport renewal.” No hello, no how are you doing, just straight to the point.

Had to resist the urge to go, “uh…. Welll…. Nooo…… kinda uh…. Craaaaaazyyyy.”

While I was waiting in the ER for them to transfer me to the mental hospital, some paramedics brought a guy on a gurney into a room nearby. I couldn’t see them but I could hear them talking. They went to lower the gurney and it made a very loud creaking sound. Without missing a beat, one of the paramedics goes, “Sounds just like my knee ouff.” and laughs. I long to be that funny someday.

Going to spam post a bunch of the funny things I’ve sent my friends because I think it will be entertaining to have a log of this fiasco later.

So I’m in a mental health hospital. And I think I’m annoying my friend with the random thoughts I read so I’m going to post dumb things into the ether known as the internet now, thanks tumblr.