(suicide) Cw - Blog Posts

Get your head together stardust!~

Heh, I love this take on this, it’s far more hilarious than my game was.  If anyone is interested in actually playing it, you can download a windows installer from https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7bqhY0xzEu3ckxadVA1d2ZleU0/view?usp=sharing.  If you’re worried about downloading strange files from the internet, that’s very wise of you!  The source code is here: https://github.com/isaach/sdabto.  This will also let you run it on a mac or linux machine.  Click the ‘download ZIP’ button and then run it with python 3 (which you may have to install) from the command line for some text-based good times!  Well, not really good times, as @ave-puella mentioned.  

If anyone actually wants to play this game and is having trouble getting it going hit me up and I’ll help you run it.  I really love hearing people’s reactions to it.

first person computer game: mental illness

> ‘command: walk out front door’ is not allowed. the future is terrifying. staying at your start point inside the house is your best bet.

> good job! lying on the couch and staring at the opposite wall for two hours has boosted your energy. you can now throw away the jar of peanut butter you had for dinner last night. 

> the quest you are following no longer exists. a full day has passed and your priorities have changed. go to the menu to read your new quest. 

> minus one mind point. your last save was two months ago. click ‘ok’ to repeat the ‘get a diagnosis’ quest while under the influence of an unmemory potion. 

> oops! the villager doesn’t understand your explanation of ‘weird brain fog.’ now they treat you with suspicion. looks like you have to go to the next village for your errands from now on. 

> you have collected five good days! check your menu for your new treasure, ‘memory of when i could function’. it might come in handy in the future! 

> cube unlocked! you have accessed action: ‘cry’. all quests will be put on hold until ‘cry’ is complete. 

> cube unlocked! you have accessed action: ‘spontaneous desolation’. all quests > cube unlocked! you have accessed action: ‘negativit > cube unlocked! you have > cube unlocked! you have accessed action: ‘only taylor swift songs make me feel anything’. all quests will be put on hold until > cube unlocked! you have accessed action: ‘scream’. all quests will be put on hold until ‘scream’ is complete. 

> this is your new companion, GARGOYLE. he will accompany you on the quest ‘pass as functioning’. keep an eye out for his secondary weapon: whispering ugly truths only you can hear.

one thing that continually surprises? frustrates? me abt having a stable enough life, being not suicidal Anymore is that sometimes I Am again. not in that Means Plans Intent trifecta. Just. a piece of me starts saying "you should kill yourself."

and it's wailing and crying and like when you're responsible for a baby suddenly wailing and crying I can't just Shush it. it's expressing some need that isn't met, some stressor that's overwhelming, some desire for Escape and an Out. but wailing and crying and saying "you shouldn't be alive" because that's what it knows

so I have to gently, exasperatedly, still hearing those chants of "just die, it's easier, disappear", feed and water and care for this baby. give it toys. take it on a walk. wait for those hiccuping sobs to turn to quiet sighs.

then maybe get an answer. what happened. what's gone wrong. the baby didn't like "my friends don't want to go to this thing with me and I'm taking it as a Rejection of wanting to spend time w me" and also "I woke up late and missed a little event I was looking forward to and blame myself because I played video games late into the night when I Shouldn't Have and Knew Better" and maybe "I'm pissed off that I have to go to a Work Event on the Weekend with really unclear expectations when I'd rather be doing something fun" plus "I'm feeling sensitive bc a podcast I listened to hours ago talked abt a way of thinking that is Triggering [for specific reasons] and I might've been mildly dissociating for the better part of this evening"

and parse it out. Okay. I get it. you feel lonely and overtaxed and uncertain about the future and blame yourself for issues now but with the moral valence of [specifics redacted]. also this has caused a fair bit of pain flare.

then your sad, wounded, tired shell has to make a life worth living out of this. and life is worth living, and it will be, and these are now problems you can work on and share honestly with people who care about you and find different ways of balancing your time and energy and give yourself a little treat and connect with something you enjoy

and you're not going to kill yourself. you'll make things better. but it's still tiring.