04/08/2025

04/13/2025

Tapped out the past 2 days because depression is hitting me and I think I'm having pms. It feels really difficult to do anything when the end of the semester hits. Like there are so many tasks and assignments I need to get done, and I don't even have more time to do all of them. Ugh... why is life hard sometimes? Thankfully, I pushed myself to reach out to my friends and partner. I feel better today =)

Not sure if this happens to people or not, but I find myself starting something that gives me instant dopamine when I'm the most stressed/overwhelmed. Like this Friday, I told myself I needed a day to relax, and I ended up starting this 24-episode cdrama and y'all I'm on the last episode today... I'm so committed when the thing makes me happy and gets me hooked.

Anyway, I hope to continue updating my progress so I don't just give up. Thanks for giving me a space to feel supported and safe (even in the not-so-great times) 🩵

Completed

✅ Walk my dog ✅ Yoga (Haven't done it since the accident and it actually felt nice) ✅ Breakfast ✅ Watch Perfect and Casual (Such a simple and cute contract to love story! Definitely a rewatch when I need something wholesome and heartwarming💖) ✅ Clinic notes x4 ✅ Discussion post

To-Dos

⏹️ Thesis: revise section paragraphs ⏹️ Clinic report results x2 (hopefully I can get through more if I have the energy)

Let's trust that I will get through another day feeling at peace, relieved, and proud of myself 🩵

[End of day: 12:30am] I basically lost motivation after reviewing my advisor's feedback on my latest thesis draft... He wants me to revise my writing and add more details and find more updated citations. I feel like I just want to pull my hair out. I don't know how I'm going to do this, and I'm already exhausted at this point. I feel like giving up because this thesis seems never-ending... I wish I could just escape into the drama world and call it a day.

Journal

I got into a car accident with my friend today... This was my very first one with an actual collision. Crazy enough, I was in shock at first and cried, but then once I realized what was going on, my brain decided to shut out my emotions and be logical about all the things I needed to do and all the people I needed to contact.

I don't know, I feel like I need to be the strong one in this situation. I can see how distressed my friend is and how guilty she is for the accident, and I just can't bring myself to make her feel any worse. There's a lot on my mind now... Are my pain and bruises going to go away soon? Are my travel plans for Spring Break going to work out? Is my dog going to be OK after the accident? Am I actually suffering from internal bleeding? Lol I realize I have a morbid sort of humor as well.

Tbh writing this out makes me feel really sad about my progress with thesis. I was literally started a routine and tracking how I am doing each day, and then "bam!", life hits you in a way you never expected.

I mean, yes, I am grateful I survived (especially my friend and my dog) because someone could have died. And then what? Where do my emotions go? How do I process all of this? How can I express my feelings while not feeling like I'm hurting my friend?

It's going to be OK. That's what I keep telling myself. I truly believe in it. I just don't know how that's going to happen. We shall see...

~**~ Pinterest Inspirations ~**~

I don't know what it is. But I'm getting sick and tired of complaining. If you do that, that's fine; just don't tell me unless I am mentally relaxed or I ask you how you're doing. No offense to people who use venting to express their emotions in a healthy and productive way (I mean, I do that occasionally too). I just can't take it when I'm also getting stressed out and overwhelmed. It's more from childhood socialization so I am actively keeping myself in check for not judging over talking down on people who do that.

I think these two quotes just summarize why I need my peace. I find myself more tolerable to stress and the load of work I need to do in my life when I acknowledge that it sucks and move on. It is what it is!! And all I can do is do my part, try my best, and live another day 🩵

Reflection: Everyone is broken in some way. Why is being broken so bad?

Day 1 ~ in recovery ~

A friend came over today to talk about my feelings and maybe get some work done for myself.

It's been 2 days since I last turned on my laptop and looked at my semester to-do list. I still haven't done it yet, and I feel intimidated by the potential workload I have waiting for me once this break ends and everything should go back to "normal." Is there even going to be a "normal"? I don't know. I feel very conflicted right now, but maybe this shows that I need a reality check. To ground me, not terrify me.

~**~ Pinterest Inspirations ~**~

Found this on Pinterest to remind me that:

Consistency > Overthinking

Even if I am writing my papers 1 hour a day, I am going to get them done instead of continuously overthinking and avoiding my work, which produces zero results. Not that I have to work without breaks and rest. I just need to start somewhere, anywhere.

Everything will work out eventually 🩵

03/28/2025

Started the day slow because I need it 😤

Music 🎧: Pop, Rock, Selena Gomez

Completed

✅ Shower

✅ Breakfast

✅ Part-time job

✅ Advocacy meeting

✅ Read and reply to school emails

✅ Write clinic notes

✅ Send clinic emails

✅ Finished A Sign of Affection anime 😭

✅ Review and write group project paper 1

To-Dos

⏹️ Pay bills

⏹️ Review and write group project paper 2

⏹️ Working on thesis (2 hours - it'll go by fast so I can do this!!)

If your semester is ending soon and it is exam season, I wish you all the best! Sending good vibes 🩵

End of day reflection (1:11am): I didn't have time to finish everything, but I am proud of myself for not running away from writing my group project papers. This is my first time doing a group project that involves writing a paper together. It is harder than I had expected, and I'm not a fan of not knowing how the paper will flow until the very end. Anyways, it was a good day today. Looking forward to writing more tomorrow =)

~**~ Pinterest Inspirations ~**~

I noticed myself living in fear whenever I started looking at my semester planner and seeing how many things I had failed to complete thus far. It is an overwhelming feeling that keeps me frozen and stuck.

I don't know if I can get everything done before the end of the semester. And right now, this is my worst nightmare. I have always succeeded in higher education and I think I have feared failure to this extent.

But my partner is right, I can do anything I put my mind to. This is not about whether or not I can do these tasks, it is the fact that everything needs to get done so what will I do now to make it happen. This is not about whether or not I have faith in myself and how hopeful I am about this situation or hopeless about the current misfortune, but what would the adult part of me do now to make things work out without minimizing my needs and suppressing my emotions.

This is a lot. It feels heavy like I am carrying bags of stones on my shoulders while climbing a mountain. But this time I need to face my fears like a responsible adult instead of running away from my troubles and avoiding everything.

I can do this. I WILL do this. 💪🏻

~**~ Pinterest Inspirations ~**~

Not feeling that great physically today and ran late to my first meeting...

Adding another Pinterest collage to my collection to help me refocus and keep moving at my own pace =)

Transitions are hard...

Like I know I got diagnosed last year with ADHD, but I haven't felt like this in so long? Seriously, I don't know how I've functioned so well in college, and now in PhD, my brain is starting to give up on me.

I wish my school or someone had taught me how to use a neurodivergent brain growing up. Maybe it would be less difficult right now.

It feels like I make a plan, and then the next thing I know, my brain chooses not to follow it cause it's not exciting enough. I wish I could just work 4 hours a day and then rest and recharge using the remaining time. I know this is impossible with my current workload and commitment, but I can't wait for that day to come when I can create my schedule and I don't have to worry about not having enough income each month.

Good luck my pals who are also neurodivergent ~