Friends For My Tears

i sit. i listen to my number one song from spotify wrapped 2023 concorde by black country new road. i think about dead poets society. NO YOU DON’T GET IT BECAUSE YOU LIKE CONCORDE I CAME A GENTLE HILL RACER I WAS BREATHLESS UPON EVERY MOUNTAIN JUST TO LOOK FOR YOUR LIGHT??? BUT FOR LESS THAN A MOMENT WE’D SHARE THE SAME SKY??? AND I’LL COME TO LIKE A CHILD BTW.

I can almost hear her say that

Joan Baez performing I Never Will Marry, c. 1958

what if we got lost in the woods & performed dark rituals & engaged in homoerotic acts of cannibalism to survive the frozen winter (and also we were girls)

explode

I am afraid of so much.

Of getting older.

Of change.

Of moving on.

Of sleep.

Of school.

Of never finding love.

Of routine.

Of the fact that my friends probably don’t love me.

Of failure.

Of loss. 

Of me. 

My collection of fears has grown so large, that my brain has become a museum for them.

Stuffed to the brim.

But new fears continue to be added to my collection everyday. 

I wonder to myself, in a whisper of thought, “Will I have enough space?” 

Or will my brain overflow and explode. 

That is my greatest fear.

Explosion. 

pretty

What do I have to do?

Paper thin and delicate

(So far from me)

Thin little lines, not the ugly kind

Bones of glass

Skin like water

Hands that fit into another hand properly

Canyon gap between legs

Face soft and structured

(not me)

Starve? 

Pray?

not enough e. e. cummings appreciation on this website. reblog if youre a true cummer

Selfish

For every set of hands joined together, i lose a thread in the sweater of my soul

 I wish it was me. 

I don't want to wait. 

Though it seems selfish

I just want to be seen.

To be held.

To be loved.

Selfish.

She held you didn’t she?

Why can’t I?

I know why. 

I have let myself go.

Every breath puts me farther away.

I want what everyone else seems to have.

Is that so selfish?

To want what is guaranteed for so many?

I think so.

she has little moon earrings- i have star clips in my hair. she goes to the local community college and plans on transferring to the major university- im in a sorority and my life is intertwined in the large school's greek life. she's a local- im seven hours away. she grew up on vast expanses of land, caring for life and surrounded by her family's love- i grew up in a cluttered house that sucked the soul out of anyone who dares to enter and every time I go home i lose a little part of myself. she listens- i talk. she calls be pretty and for once, i believe it. she smiles and i laugh in her tiny car and we stare at each other in the lamp light of a small parking lot after missing our desert reservations. she walks me to my car and we both ask if we could kiss each other, our laughter ringing in the air next to the papa john's we had to bathroom break in because we asked at the same time. she hesitates so i pull her in and it isn't rushed or desperate, it's just gentle and full of potential for something beautiful and she cradles my face and my hands are on her hips and we're next to my beat up car. she tastes like the chocolate milkshake from earlier that night and i can only assume i taste of the cigarette i smoked earlier on that she called "hot". she is a middle child and im the eldest and we still talk and she didn't ghost me and oh, I think something beautiful can come out of this.