Depressing Poem - Blog Posts

November 3rd, 2022. 12:30 a.m.

Please

I'm so tired

I can't keep this up.

These aren't my lungs

My heart beats for others

But I'm not done

My tears smother.

I want death to come peacefully

Wrap me in cloth

And talk to me gracefully.

Whisper to me as I fall asleep

In the arms of someone who cares.

The weight on my shoulders makes me buckle

But the pressure on my chest makes me chuckle.

No one knows

Life is No's

To curl up and die

I float

One final night

No more lies.

To pass on to the joyous chatter of party goers

Is the sweetest release when laughter is the final overture.

I spread myself too thin and my limbs are being stolen from me

Who or where has what

And why is it how it has to be?

Just,

Please,

Leave me alone.

I'm tired of waking up every day and hearing those scoldings those fake things again and again.

I'm tired of pretending to be fine when I know I'm not.

I'm tired of comforting everyone, when I myself am depressed.

I'm tired of doin well and messing things up.

I'm just tired of everything

explode

I am afraid of so much.

Of getting older.

Of change.

Of moving on.

Of sleep.

Of school.

Of never finding love.

Of routine.

Of the fact that my friends probably don’t love me.

Of failure.

Of loss. 

Of me. 

My collection of fears has grown so large, that my brain has become a museum for them.

Stuffed to the brim.

But new fears continue to be added to my collection everyday. 

I wonder to myself, in a whisper of thought, “Will I have enough space?” 

Or will my brain overflow and explode. 

That is my greatest fear.

Explosion. 

It’s getting worse to be trans in America, so I made this.

Tw: self harm, ed

Alternate universe

In an alternate universe,

I am 14 and alone in my room,

And my hands haven't harmed myself yet.

In an alternate universe,

My mom isn't emotionally dead,

And my dad isn't the monster yet.

In an alternate universe,

I still have her by my side,

I haven't screwed everything yet.

In an alternate universe,

I don't flinch when I look in the mirror,

There are no scars on my thighs yet.

In an alternate universe,

I still eat like a normal person,

I haven't ruined myself yet.

Sad Poetry?

Hey so I've been working on "poetry" (I'm not even sure if it's considered poetry) and I just thought to put it out there. This is about a boy I had this thing going on with at a summer camp I went to. He was a safe space for me but in the ending, I was his side piece. (He had a girlfriend and I am a boy)

There we were lying on the cot under his sleeping bag listening to "as it was" through the small portable radio

I remember his smooth voice softly humming the lyrics accompanied by his gentle heartbeat

There we were, just him and I

I remember the feeling of his gentle heartbeat thumping against my head as I lay there with my head on his chest

"As it Was" takes me back to those small moments of happiness

Before I knew about her

Before the incident

This song reminds me of the feeling of his plump lips on my forehead and the subtle warmth of his breath on my face as we cuddled under the blankets of security

My heart rots behind its walls

I haven’t seen it in years, I do not trust myself with it anymore

My hands are bloody from scraping at the brick, mixing with the dried mortar on my palm

I’m sorry, I whisper to it

I’m so sorry

- "the dead soldier's quest back home", Astha || 27.2.2022

- "Self portraits, roses and her brain...on fire", Astha

- "Autumn", Astha

"I don't want to feel like this,

but this is all I feel..."

21:57 pm

How loud, would she have been, with glistening red tears of fury, loss, and wars within...

Who would've maimed her autumnal skies, rose skin, gentle aesthete, and country choruses, enough to spiral into a dark vacuum of shambolic ambitions?

How loud, would she have been, to chisel a world within...to feel so much only to feel nothing...

watch the sawdust n dirt,

swirl swirl swirl

down the drain

“i feel so sad. i feel so abandoned. i feel very alone”“we’re all alone, reva.”

-my year of rest & relaxation

mess mess mess

my mind’s

cluttered mess

Flashback to 2020 (tw depressive rant)

So, I’m pretty tired with myself today…

I’m so fucking lonely here you know?

No one around to talk to, everyone doing their own things?

It’s stupid…

Why can’t I love someone like how I love myself?

Am I that fucking insane to do something like that?

I guess I am…

I’m so fucking lonely…

I don’t hang out with many people anymore because of COVID….

I miss my old friends so much that I forget I even exist…

I think about people all the time that I become a completely different person.

It’s stupid.

It’s dumb.

It’s crazy what you do for love.

I know you will all be reading this and think, “What the fuck is this shit?”

I don’t know what I am either…

I’m just the chaos and the calm…

The sun and the moon…

Forward and backwards….

I’m everything people want to be and don’t want to be…

I’m the person that could help you or hurt you….

I am the person that talks to everyone or stays in the shadows…

I am myself…

I am not myself…

I am something I’m not…

Something not human…

Something not myself…

What even am I?

Why am I here?

Why do I even exist?

I don’t need to exist… at all!

Fuck me! I don’t give a shit!

Leave me alone for once!!!

I hate myself so fucking much!!!

I’m worthless!

I’m nothing.

I’m nothing without her.

I’m nothing without him.

I’m nothing without them.

I’m nothing.

I am nothing to no one…

And now I'm done with this...

This mask of a smile I've worn for so long...

It's gone...

The mask of happiness for my friends and families to see...

For the happiness I've falsely felt for an enternity...

Slam my fist in the wall.

Throw some shit and give me a call.

I'll scream at you for however long I feel like.

How are you doing?

How are you doing?

Are you bleeding like me?

Are you hiding behind a mask like me?

A mask like mine?

Are you here?

Are you surrounded by your own peers?

Are you looked down on or looked up to?

Are you still trying to be the version of yourself everyone thought you were a year ago?

Are you still faking those smiles?

Are you burning the horrible memories, that made no one trust you anymore?

Are you lying to people that don't deserve it?

Can you stop, cause I am far too gone?!

I need to stop and listen.

I need to do this, evenly.

I am a giant wave crashing into the shore line.

I am myself.

I am not.

I am the calm and the chaos.

I need help, but no one ever listens because, they have their own issues.

They have no time for you, it's true.

Leave them behind and don't go running back to them or they will hurt you more....

Or maybe not...

Maybe they're something more.

Like a soulmate or friend....

Maybe I should reach out to them for help...

Can I reach out for help?

Myself in 2020, not in the right headspace.

Prodigy of 7

I am a broken burnt out child prodigy I could speak a mile a minute Words were my freedom My liberty

My tongue was cut when I was 7 My heart was burning with the anger and disappointment of a million My mother My father My friends My teachers

Too many people thought me to be "brave" "intelligent" "independent" "strong"

Yet all along I was "Afraid" "Alone" "Fragile"

I was never independent I thought I couldn't rely on anyone I thought I was alone

This must have been why I tried so hard on my grades This must have been why I crashed one too many times

I am a burnt out and broken child prodigy I was...