It Shouldn't Be This Hard... Right?

Im screaming on the inside, and you dont care.

I said it would be fine. That i was okay just being your friend... until you told me that you love her and that you would wait for her. You once said that to me, and now you dont even think about what we once had, because to you, that was nothing. I knew i was just your rebound, but i just wanted to know what it was like. I was in it for the rush, that high you get. But little did i know there would be such a dark fall after. Were good. Weve both moved on. But, still i go back to us holding hands in the movie theatre, telling me you love me. Well, not really. You went back to her a few weeks later. Youre chasing someone who doesnt love you, and im chasing you, who doesnt love me. What made me this messed up that i dont look at the people who love me but only think about the one who doesnt? Because whats not healthy for you always has the best high, and once youve had a taste, youre hooked.

it was a present from my sister. I can never forget what my first bracelet looked like. green, black and yellow zigzags, all glued together to make the string seem almost, unreal. I never took it off. I loved the feeling of wearing something and never taking it off. I guess that's why people didn't notice when I started wearing more and more bracelets, and 4 years later, my reasoning for wearing it became more of a fashion statement, but a cover up. some days, I 2oild feel brave enough to take them off, just to see if anyone would notice. they looked, they acknowledged, but they never said a word to me. not even an "are you okay?" but just an endless nightmare of stares. God, life was so much simpler before she gave me that bracelet. that one bracelet isolated me, and built a mental barrier between me and happiness. unachievable unless I was willng to pay a price. sometimes just one, sometimes 100.

Dont give up Never give in Its never too late To start over again I know you feel lost Like theres no way home But just listen to these words And think about this poem Look up, up, up to the sky And dont be afraid to fly On the wings of faith Or to ride the waves If only you knew That these words were true That i speak the truth That you are loved Far above what you could possibly imagine You are loved with a passion Loved by everyone And if not, its their loss They must not have known what they missed out on They havent got a clue You know youre lost We all wander from Gods perfect plan But why not return? Deep down, no matter what you've been through No matter what you're going through You know the truth So why run away? Why must you still stray? Youre always avoiding these questions Because it's "too much work" Maybey cuz you think "you're too far gone" STOP! Because God ADORES all your flaws and quirks His heart breaks when you no longer think he's enough for you That you've got this Let me be the first to tell you. You've got it twisted. You NEED him! Even if your life doesn't completely fall apart You'll be incomplete without your Saviour You wont be joyful You'll be sad You wont be loving You'll be mad You might gain money, fame, and things of this world, But there will always be something missing You'll ever be whole again Not without Him Turn back to Him! He will get you through this Not support groups, not rehab, nor friends and family He already knows the real, unfiltered you You might ask "why isn't he helping then?" Because you haven't let Him yet He wants your permission Its not like you want some random person to start "fixing up" your life You would at least want them to get your consent, right? Its kinda the same thing, because the Lord is polite Some of His ways might Seem brutal and unkind But trust me when I say, you WILL be alright! It might seen crazy at times But it's one exciting ride of a lifetime! So hop on His path, And follow his ways Trust me when I say If you let Him, He will guide you day by day And trust His perfect timing And know that your His child No real harm will come to you When you let him take the wheel And if you're ever doubting, just remember He IS the real deal!

Is this what happiness feels like? Its been so long, i cant quite remember...

You know, ive always wanted to talk about what happened, but he kept avoiding it. So, i went on with my life. I found my own twisted version of closure and i got better every day. I moved on, and i knew i would be fine alone. It was like we had never even happened, and i learned to be okay with that. But then my friend joked that i was a heartbreaker and i replied that everyone else breaks my heart. Just normal sarcasm. We didnt mean anything about it. Then he overheard and looked at me. Id never seeen him so sincere. "It was all my fault." Ina ll the time id known him, i have never sene him look so serious. So sorry. Id finally moved on. Id finally gotten over the pain he left me with. I had finally forgiven him. Or maybe i just like to think i did, because here i am once again, my thoughts being consumed with nothing but him

I just keep thinking about that kiss... i keep thinkung about how much i want to just run up to him and kiss him. I just want to be with him, which only proves that im a psychopath. He played me before, hes not good for me. This isnt healthy. But, something that feels so good cant possibly be bad, right?

I have a serious addiction. I cant stop. Its been a year and a half and i just keep finding new places. Anywhere i look are covered in scars. I dont know how to stop, and i dont know if i want to...

I'm so sorry. You deserve far better than anyone i can be. I cant give you what you want, but i want you to know that i will always love you. I really tried, but when we met, it was a completely different world.

Maybe someday though, years from now, when i get my shit together and im not suicidal, we can try again

Ive become so impulsive lately, im scared of what i might do next.

-i might do something even more permadent than dying my hair, piercing my own ear, or kissing my ex