Mental Breakdown - Blog Posts

When this week started, I was full of hope and applying for jobs so I can start over after graduation.

Now it’s Thursday, and I’m finishing the one bottle of wine I own while I cry as I finish a 69 chapter fanfiction I’ve been reading because it’s OVER and WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE NOW?

You ever stand there and watch everything fall apart and just think “ah yes, time to return to my roots” and restart an obsession from 10 years ago or are you normal

i reached out to someone and it didnt go well. Except in reality it really could’ve gone well. I didnt really give myself the space to be rejected- so now here i am back on my own.

It’s like i whispered to someone in a windy tunnel and hoped they heard me.

I I H I T L

W D O H H I

A O W A E V

N N B V W E

T T U E I G

T K T L L O

O N I O L O

D O W S T D

I W I T O B

E L Y

L E

I hate it when the punishment your mum gives you for your room being a mess is you cant leave the house until its clean. I cant stand being in this house and not going on a ride somewhere. It just becomes a loop. Wake up, go to school, come home, sleep, and repeat. I need to go somewhere or ill go insane. But no. I cant. Until that one thing gets done. I hate it. I hate it i hate it i fucking hate it. Until eventually i have a mental breakdown and become destructive and start hitting things or physically hurting yourself. It feels like your whole body is burning hot. And the only thing that will help is inflicting pain on yourself or it will only get worse. After its over your just numb.. you feel nothing. No emotions, or feeling in your body. You could cut yourself and not feel a single thing.

I’m a sad potato sack, mmmh, it’s this time of year, life.

“I go into my sweater until it gets better”

I'm scared, and I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I see a famished purple rabbit with pink overalls and scurvy eyes everywhere on the Internet, and I'm scared. Send help. I'm going to choke on a hot dog.

I am falling.

So, what do I do on my free days?

I wake up late, search for a cup of coffee,

Make myself a plate easy breakfast and then

It’s a day of selfcare.

I think of the books to read and shows to watch

I lay down on the grass and look at the sky.

I paint my nails and I curl my hair

Then bunch them and use a ribbon to tie.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I can see

See a void but then it disappears

Then I think of having some tea

So, I put the pan up and sit on the chair

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting

The water boils over

I feel all drunk

Even when I am sober

I am sitting and sitting and sitting

I can see the sun rise and set and rise and set

The clock tics toks tics toks tics toks and tics

And I lie on my bed and lie to my self

The void in me is rising and burning and singing

The void is hungry so, its eating

Eating me and the soul and the light

Selfcare maybe is lying in bed

Feel a little dead

But I just stay and stay and stay

Then there is the night and then the day

And then something clicks

I thinks the void is full, it had its share

It is going back in and there is this light

This light, a crack on the wall

I find myself standing tall

I look at the clock oh its been just four hours

But then my cell phone beeps

‘hey there you’ve been missing from the outside world for a week’

My eyes readjust, my mouth is dry

I reach for water, there is a pan with burnt tea leaves

There is a cup of coffee half drunk

I look into the mirror, there is ribbon tangled in my hair

Well I guess this is the end of a day of selfcare

and believe me, I can feel it in the air

I am falling again.

save us all

[shingeki no kyojin | one shot; 4,892 words] [genderneutral! timetraveler! reader] | gen; no pairings. summary: Every time you see them die. You promised someday, you will save them all. wanings/notes: Time Loop, Murder, Self-Harm, Suicide, Betrayal, Violence, Blood, Mental Instability, Mental Breakdown... I think you know this is going to be dark af. Also, horrible grammar, this is messy af, sorry! ;; inspired by higurashi no naku koro ni!

You didn't know when it all began— it seemed too far away, far from your reach. You felt as if it were years when it all went to this nightmare, this horror. This was far worse than just being eaten by a titan; no, being eaten was mercy.

And what nightmare were you living in? At the time you would have laughed of something so ridiculous— impossible to even think about. But here you are, suffering until the end, if there was any.

Was this purgatory?

Your first memories come back to you, little by little. Remembering your innocence, your life before this... It all seemed normal.

"Hey, [Name]! Breakfast is ready!" You heard Eren yell, coming outside just where you were sitting on a bench, looking at the blue sky. "What are you doing here all along anyways? I thought you were with horse face."

Letting out a laugh, you didn't leave your gaze from the clouds. "Just watching the sky. It's beautiful today, isn't it?"

The brunette frowns, confused by your answer. He always sees the sky everyday; what was different from it today? Looking beneath him, he could only spot the same blue and white. It looked cleared; but nothing out of normal... He returned his gaze at you again, seeing how you are still looking at the sky.

"I don't see any difference, really," he approaches you, looking at you with curiosity, "what's different from usual?"

The small smile on your face doesn't leave— neither does your eyes on the sky. Eren could see as if you were looking at something precious or amazing, a thing he couldn't see.

"I can't explain it. It looks... different. Maybe is the color? Or maybe the clouds? Something is lively, like something is coming."

The titan shifter blinks a little weirded out by your answer. He didn't get any hint like that with just looking at the sky— maybe you were overthinking things? Or you were nervous by the upcoming expedition? It could be. Nevertheless, taking a good look at your face made him notice that you were different. Maybe he couldn't notice the differences on the sky, but he could with you. You were comrades after all.

You looked... at peace. As if nothing in the world was bothering you; just you and him... He felt in a trance.

"We are going to miss breakfast, Eren." Your voice snapped him from his dream, and both of you looked at each other, "Come on, Sasha is going to eat our food." You finished, laughing quietly. He just nodded, still a little out of it, watching you walk to the barracks and waiting for him at the door. He quickly went to your side, taking a last glance at the sky before entering.

Ah, yes... That was the beginning of everything. Or just one of the oldest memories you have; there were too many. Sighing, the upcoming images make you tense, relieving one of the many pasts.

A certain expedition that went horribly wrong; at that time, maybe the sky was really telling you something. Bur no matter how you many things you changed, someone always had to be gone. Always. Your comrades, the Squad Leaders, the Commander... Even if you could keep going with one of them dying, your heart full of guilt couldn't let you. No— they all had to live, for humanity's sake.

"Haha! I bet horse face is going to wet his pants this time!" Eren mockingly says, grinning like a child. Armin besides him lets out a sigh, murmuring "Not again..."

A certain horse face heard that, stopping your conversation and instantly turned his face where the brunette was, smiling. "I heard that, you—!"

Before anything could be uncontrollable, you hissed at the two, "Both of you, stop! We are being watched! Can you at least be decent, for our reputation sake?"

Reiner, who was beside you, agreed with you, "[Name] is right. You two look like children fighting like that." You nodded your head, pouting slightly. Yeah, hearing his fights was funny, but at a time like this, were you are just going to leave the walls, was a big no. "We have to look like soldiers, but I guess with your clown looks... it's hard." He smiled, looking proud. You let out a chuckle, before being silenced by the murderous glare a certain corporal gave the two of you.

"Oi, all of you." You all gulped, looking terrified, "You better shut the hell up or I will punish all of you right now." You hurriedly nodded, sweating. He just sent a last hard glare to you, before returning to his talk with Hange.

You let out a sigh you were holding. It was nice to joke before going outside the walls; you needed to forget the terrors and horrors you will face there. And just by thinking that, your body tensed, you gripped the horse' harness and your mouth was pressed in a thin line. Reiner, who wanted to murmur you something, noticed your state, and tried to help you out.

"Hey, calm down. Nothing bad is going to happen to us. We are on the same squad, right? Look, if anything happens, I'm with you." He reassured, placing his hand on your shoulder, squeezing it. The warm touch and words made you less anxious, but the preoccupation was still there. You turned at him with a smile, nodding. He gave you one of his "hero" smiles and let go of you, returning his attention to the gate when the commander's voice could be heard.

"Open the gates!"

Gates opening, you could see the field; no titans near, but you knew they were there.

And so, the expedition began.

And you hoped for the best.

Red. Crimson. Scarlet.

All across the field; on the trees, the grass. On you.

Where did it go horribly wrong? What just happened? Why were you the last one alive?

Everyone was dead— you could see them all in front of you. The commander, the corporal, Eren, Mikasa, Jean... The sight was gruesome; the smell penetrated your nose fossils, but the sight was more horrifying than the smell.

Some of your friends were bitten; you could see Mikasa's guts all around her. She has an terrified expression on her face, but her eyes were spotted on someone else. That someone else, was Eren. Strangely, his own blade was penetrating in his head; head that was broken and open. His eyes were stuck on the only source of light; an open spot on the trees, letting you see the blue sky.

You didn't want to see in detail how Jean, Connie, Sasha and Armin were... You just knew they were as mutilated as them. You didn't see Reiner or Bertholth here, but your thoughts only made you think they had the same fate as them.

Your comrades, your friends, all gone. Were you the last one remaining of this expedition? You were sure.

How— How that many titans can spot you so easily? And why did all of you got wiped out? How was that even possible?

You remember Reiner's promise, how he smiled at you and reassured you everything was going to be okay. You tried to comfort yourself; but the cries you let out were impossible to hold. At anytime a titan would hear you and end your life, but you didn't care at all. What was the purpose when your friends are dead? You didn't had your horse or any energy to fight.

This was humanity's end.

Crying, you didn't hear loud steps approaching you, until a big hand grabbed you, squeezing your form.

You didn't want to look at it's face; the terrifying eyes the monster would have; the smile it would gave you. You just prayed there was a better place than this hell, where you would reunite with your friends.

You could feel pain, and then, everything went black.

。。。。。。。

" Hey, [Name]! Breakfast is ready!"

Uh?! What? You opened your eyes and frenetically looked around you; you were at the same spot a few days ago!

"What are you doing here all alone anyways? I thought you were with horse face." You heard Eren's voice near you. "What's with that face? You look scared of something, are you alright?" He asked, his face showing worry. He approached you, placing his hand on your shoulder.

Was all of it... a dream? But it felt too real!

"[Name]...?"

Snapping from your thoughts, you looked at him, not sure how to answer the question, You just blinked, until something came out from your mouth. "I'm... alright," you said, "I think I had the longest dream. It felt too real, and it wasn't very nice."

"What was it all about?" he asked, sitting on the bench.

It was weird how easy was to remember the horror; it felt like a memory— something you once lived before. But that was impossible; it was a dream. "I dreamed about how we failed the next expedition..." you answered, feeling anxious about it. You were unnerved at how you could feel the terror, how you could smell the corpses of your friends. You were sure the smell was still around. "We all got wiped out, no one was alive."

Eren didn't find the exact words to give you. Nevertheless, his fighting spirit didn't let you down, giving you the best words he could find. "Dreams are just dreams! Something like that isn't going to happen, I assure you!" Seeing how you were still tensed, he tried to joke, "Look, we all can hear horse face dreaming about being with Mikasa, and that will never happen."

You giggled, feeling a little better. Maybe he was right; dreams are just dreams. Nothing like that will come true— it was just a nightmare.

Sighing, you relaxed and got up from the bench, looking happier than you were before. "Come on, Eren! Sasha will eat our breakfast if we don't hurry up," you took his hands and walked to the barracks, and before entering you muttered a thank you, which he just smiled in reply.

Sadly, you didn't know that nightmare was the hell you were going to live in.

You laughed. How foolish for you to believe that.

It wasn't a dream, it was one of your destinies. A fate you can't escape.

Everything went to hell again; your friends were all killed, either eaten alive or mutilated. It was the exact same image from your nightmare.

And every time a titan ate you, you always woke up on the same place at the bench, hearing Eren's voice near you.

What was the purpose of all of this? How was it possible? You tried every other way to help everybody; but there was always someone dying I front of you— and that wasn't how was supposed to be. You knew all of your friends could live— but how?

You opened your eyes to see the same damn sky. The past went horribly wrong, as always — your squad wiped out, Reiner was gone, Sasha was eaten along with Christa. There wasn't a trace of Ymir and Connie anywhere. You couldn't save them; and your mental health deteriorated when you remembered the amount of corpses on the field; Sasha's mutilated body— only her head and torso remained. Little Christa's head was the only thing you could save of her. How her lifeless eyes stared at nothing when you hold her, crying and screaming.

You began to hyperventilate— you couldn't find how to breathe. You took your head with your hands, not caring of your nails piercing your skin, and let out an horrifying scream a certain brunette heard.

Eren ran to you, scared by your scream.

"What is happening?! [Name] why are you screaming?!"

Your couldn't control your body. It was like a meltdown going on; your brain was melting, you saw the same images again and again. There was a parasite crumbling on your body, getting inside your head— you had to put it out.

out out out out

The horrifying screams never ceased, even when Eren shakes you and tried to get you to snap out of it.

You don't remember anything after that.

Haha, how could you forget the time when your friends murdered you... Something unbelievable to you at that time— comrades wouldn't do that. Only a barbaric animal would. Only a beast could do something like they did.

You just wanted some peace for once, and thankfully, the lake far from the barracks was an option. After several breakdowns, you damaged mind remembered this place— a beautiful lake hidden in the forest's deeps.

Just hearing the signing of the birds, the wind... made you recover some sanity you had once forgotten. Reviving everytime to just see everyone die was consuming your mind; maybe this was your 45th time... how could you be so sure? It maybe was your 100th time. 'Time' was unknown now.

You were relaxing sitting against a tree, well hidden between some bushes, just to not be spotted and irritated if so.

But obviously, someone has to do so.

You could hear steps coming near you— then stopping tight where the lake was. You had a nice vision to the lake, so you spotted right away who was there.

"Bertholt?"

He seemed nervous, looking around. Thanks to the bushes you couldn't be spotted, but you silently shifted and crouched. You were curious— sometimes you always saw Bertholt and Reiner going to the forest in the night, and you always wondered for what.

The one you both were waiting for appeared, with an uncharacteristic serious expression. Are they fighting? Weren't they having breakfast together this morning?

"Did you study the formations?" Reiner asked, arms crossed.

The brunette nodded, a little nervous, "We heard Eren is going to be in the right flank, right?"

"Yes, and the Corporal is going to be at the center, so he is far away from him. Annie should easily get Eren."

What are they talking about? Kidnap Eren? Why...

Sudden memories from Hange's titans came to you— how there was rumored someone killed them.

It—It was Annie! But why? Why they want to get Eren?

"Reiner... Trost District got closed. We have to destroy all the walls for once— it's been too long!"

"You think I don't know that? Once Annie get's Eren, our plan to break wall Maria is on. We have to play this carefully, Bertholth."

No.... nonono..

Break the walls? What do they mean by that? The only monsters who broke them were...

The Colossal and the Armored...

And they are...

Reiner and Bertholt.

They are titan shifters! Annie as well! And they want to get Eren! So the expedition is going to hell because of them— they are the goddamn reason.

You had to get away from them— they weren't your friends, they were just masks. They want to get humanity extinct! You had to inform this immediately.

As silently as you could, you tried to stand up, but a stupid branch had to broke under your foot, making them instantly look at your direction.

You were dead, again.

"Who's there?!" Reiner frenetically yelled, running to where you were hiding. What was the purpose to run? You were going to live anyways.

"[Name]..." The blond murmured your name, looking shamefully at you, "how much did you hear?"

Instantly you replied, "enough to know you are the reason for all of our deaths." You looked hurt, but you were angry and furious.

"You didn't have to hear that." He said, grabbing your arm to get you up, which you comply without complaining. He took notice of your uncaring but upset nature— weirding him out.

When the blond and you approached the brunette, Bertholt's eyes widened, and he was sweating like a pig.

"[N—[Name]!" The taller exclaimed, not believing you were there, caught. "You–We—"

"Save it." you said, "why are you killing us? Aren't we friends, Reiner? Weren't you the fucking 'big bro' from the squad, you piece of fucking shit?" you glared at them— not caring if you were dying by their hands.

"We—We are friends! Don't— Don't look at us like that, [Name]..." the blond said, averting your gaze.

"Then how in the fuck I have to see you? With spark in my eyes? With admiration? You two are the monsters all of us are afraid of!"

They just tensed by your words, like children. But these little children were going to kill you soon, so you just yelled anything you could.

"You killed Eren's mother! Armin's grandpa!" you tightly swallowed, holding your tears, "my family! You are murderers! How do I have to look at you, Reiner?! Tell me!"

"Nobody wants to do this!" Reiner yelled at you, but you just glared fiercely at him. "Do you think we wanted this?! To kill our friends?! Nobody wants that!"

"Then what's the reason?! Why are you doing this?!"

Reiner didn't answer you, so your attention changed to Bertholt, who was tensed and sweating. "Bertholt, why? Why are you killing us? Where are you taking Eren?" but the taller man just averted your gaze like the coward he is. "Look at me, you piece of shit! Answer me!"

But no answer came.

"Mina, Thomas, Samuel, Hannah... all of them died, but for what? By pieces of shit like you?" You began to cry, remembering your friends who didn't make it. "You played with us— you are no big brothers..."

The people you riled on to for years were just fakers. Murderers, people who killed your friends, your family, and you.

"You are our friends— really... We have to do this, [Name]. We can't go back if we don't."

"Go back to where? All about your 'home town' is bullshit. Where is your shitty home anyways?"

"We can't tell you that—"

"Fuck you. You are going to kill me anyways, you big liar."

"[Name]..."

"Fuck you, Reiner. Fuck you, Bertholt. And fuck your hometown too, murderers." You tried to back off, but Reiner got a hold on you, and you knew these were your last moments.

"You can't go, [Name]." Reiner's face changed completely to one you never saw before, he wasn't seeing you as the friend he had to kill; he was seeing the trash he had to take care of, "as my duty as a warrior, I have to take down our targets."

"Warrior? More like a piece of shit, you fucker, get your hands off of me!" you tried to struggle, but he was bigger than you.

You took a glimpse of Bertholt, and the coward was crying and apologizing to you repeatedly.

"I'm sorry, [Name]. We are sorry, so sorry—"

You just let the tears came, and looked at Reiner and tried to look at him as the friend he was, and not the murder he became, but that wasn't possible.

You struggled as best as you could— giving kicks, punching him, but there was no use. He slammed you on the floor, making him get over you.

"This shouldn't have to be like this."

"But it is."

He grabbed your head with both of his hands, and smashed your head against a rock nearby. Over and over— you were sure your skull could be visible, blood coming from your injuries and getting on your face. You only could catch glimpses of someone's tears and hear the apologies from somebody...

And then, they could saw your lifeless eyes.

The dump your body to the hill, where any animal could eat and destroy your rests, so nobody could find you.

Suicide wasn't the answer either.

"I'm helping breakfast today." You said with no enthusiasm whatsoever — you were dead inside.

"Sure thing, [Name]! But, uhm," Christa approaches you, and gently laid her hands on yours, "are you alright? You have been down lately."

You let our an empty laugh, "I'm alright, Christa. Nothing to worry about." You took off her hands and went to the mess hall, spotting Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Connie... and the bastards too.

The blond titan shifter waved at you, which you only glared at him with all the hatred you could sent, making him surprised and taken aback. Everyone saw the interaction— and they wondered what did Reiner do to you to glare at him like that.

They saw as you went into the kitchen, allowing them to gossip.

"Yoooo, what was that just now?" Connie asked, "[Name] glared at you and almost murders you!"

"Now what did you do? I have never saw [Name] doing something like that to anybody. You must had done something very shitty." Jean interfered, looking interested.

"I didn't do anything! I haven't talked to [Name] lately..." Reiner answered, trying to recall any comment he should have said to make you angry, but nothing came.

"Well, [Name] is pissed." Connie said.

"I don't want to gossip but," Armin spoke, "[Name] has been very upset lately."

Everyone agreed.

"They don't talk much." Mikasa said.

"They don't get out of their room."

"They are paler."

"They are angry every time we talk to them."

"They cry at night."

Everyone turned at the new voice coming in, wich was from the Corporal himself. Everyone stood up and saluted, but relaxed at the command of Levi.

"Surprising you noticed finally, isn't them your friend?" the shorter man asked, sitting down. "It's none of my business but your friend looks like complete shit."

It was true. You looked sick and tired most of the time. You didn't talk much, so they didn't get any answers or reasons for your change of behavior.

"We should do something for them!" Connie said, with enthusiasm all over his voice.

"Like what, baldy? A hug party?" Jean joked, gaining a playfully punch from the short soldier.

"We should do... uhm... I don't know..." Connie mumbled, less excited. What could be a good gift for you anyways? There weren't a lot of options.

"We should follow Jean's advice," Reiner joked, "maybe that could do something."

"This is serious! We have to do something!"

"What if—"

A female scream interrupted the talk, making them turn at the kitchen, where the cry was heard.

"Was that Sasha?"

The screams keep going, but this wasn't one of the normal Sasha's screams she let out jokingly, these were of absolute terror.

The one who instantly reacted was the corporal, flying out of his seat to go to the kitchen. And when he entered, everyone heard what he said,

"What the fuck happen?!" He took the door frame and turned, "someone get Hange right now!", and he entered the kitchen once again.

Armin quickly left the mess hall, taking Levi's order.

Everyone was worried, so they went to the kitchen to know what was happening.

The sight was horrifying.

Blood on the floor— YOUR blood. You were lying on the floor, with a kitchen knife in your stomach. There were countless of deep injuries on your stomach; they could see them thanks to the torn shirt. You were pouring blood from your injuries, mouth and nose, and your eyes were getting unfocused.

"What—What happened?" Jean was the only one who could articulate something with the sight in front of him. Everyone was in shock, some covering their mouths, not believing the scene.

Sasha just cried, trying to explain, "I—I don't know! They—They—" She couldn't finish, she was crying harder and she was gasping for air.

Mikasa rushed to her, trying to be strong and help her. "Sasha, look at me." Mikasa took Sasha's face and made her turn, meeting with her watery eyes, "Calm down, what happened?"

"[Name] just began to stab themselves! Without a reason!!" she exclaimed, "They were helping me with the food, but—but they just did it out of nowhere!"

The corporal tried to stop the multiple bleeding— trying not to touch the knife in your stomach.

"What the fuck, [Last Name]?! What is the reason of this?" The Corporal tried to comprehend, but he just couldn't. You let out an empty laugh, your eyes glued on the ceiling.

"I just... want to... rest..." you coughed, blood dripping your mouth.

The one who were crying their eyes out where Connie and Sasha– Mikasa tried her best to control the two, but they were desperately sobbing. Eren was in shock; the brunette couldn't understand the scene before him. Why did you something so horrible to yourself? He couldn't understand anything.

Reiner and Bertolt couldn't believe it either. The blonde tried to approach you, but the corporal quickly yelled orders to not get near you. Reiner wanted to help you– save you. Just... what was on your mind these past few days?

Bertolt never thought of you harming yourself like that. He always looked upon you because of your determination and braveness— he never in a million years would have imagined this scene in front of him.

Jean covered his mouth in shock; his widened eyes couldn't bear the sight of you, so he just averted it completely. His mind couldn't process the sight, but he tried to calm himself.

Everything was in chaos— sobs and cries could be heard coming out from the kitchen. No one could think clearly, and when Hange and Armin got there, it was already too late.

You remember telling the commander about Reiner's and Bertolt's betrayal, but everything went to shit. The strategy to take them down was a complete failure, nothing could be done against their titans. They killed everyone, taking Eren with them. Like every time, you were the only one left, surrendered by the bodies of your comrades.

"Why... just why? Reiner... Bertolt... why are you killing us...?" you hopelessly pleaded for an answer, crouching on the grass. "What's the purpose of killing us?"

They just stared at you, in shame or disgust? You really didn't care no more. Eren was unconscious on Bertolt's back.

"Answer me!" You punched the dirt, "why are you doing all of this?! Why do you want to erase us from this world!?"

"We don't want to do this!" Bertolt desperately yells.

"Then who is making you?!"

Silence. They never answer– they never say something about their origins, leaving you in the dark.

Reiner speaks, but he isn't the Reiner you know. This one sounds evil, different— vile.

"We have to kill all of your devil race, including you. We can't let dirty spawns of the devil alive– is our task to take all of you down. It's our duty as warriors."

Devils? Warriors? Spawn of the devil?

"Reiner... What are you even talking about? The only devils I see are you both."

Bertolt averts your gaze, the big coward. Reiner looks like he is fighting himself— he crouches in front of you, taking his head with both of his hands. You truly believe something is wrong with him– something deeper than just a game of pretend.

"Please [Name]... please forgive me, I didn't want to do any of this... please..." Reiner looks so pathetic, taking your hand between his', kneeling. Tears came out from his eyes, and he looks desperately at you for forgiveness, something that you couldn't give.

You look at Bertolt for an answer, but he only lets himself look at the floor, ashamed. He looks scared– he is crying too, but his sobs are silent.

These two doesn't look like they just won a battle; they look like terrified children.

"Please [Name]..." Bertolt speaks, "find us."

Somehow, at that moment, you could understand that these two weren't the only responsible for this nightmare. They didn't look like they were enjoying winning— they looked miserable.

You finally understood.

"Someday, I will find us all."

Taking your blade, Bertolt looks worried and tries to take Reiner back, but your actions just shock both of them to the core.

You stab yourself, over and over, and Reiner and Bertolt can't just do anything but watch in horror.

With a last stab, you breathlessly say,

"See you later..."

Nothing worked. Even if you tried to talk to them, it never went well. There was no way for them to cooperate — every time they eliminated you with these regretful looks on their faces. It was a waste of time— they were determinated to not back off from their plan.

You sigh, exhausted. You can't count how many times have you 'revived'. It feels like many years have passed, and honestly, you don't even know how much you can take. This hurts, every time you see your comrades die in front of you, every time your friends kill you... you don't have answers, they refuse to give answers. You are in the dark, alone and broken, but you are the only one who can help you stand and go again.

You look at the sky— feeling peace. Maybe this time will be different. The sky doesn't look the same as before... there's something different.

You try to remember the good old times, but you seem to forgot them. Nightmares replace them, leaving you in pain. There are no more 'good times', and even if you want to finish all of this, it's impossible.

But you promised to find us all.

And a promise can't be broken.

Someday... you will save us all.

"Hey [Name]! Breakfast is ready!"

i just remembered that brian moser and rita are DEAD and are NEVER coming back EVER.

i need a moment

When you're about to have a breakdown from looking in the mirror after a lifetime of fat shaming. Literally hating how you look.

Maybe I want to disappear because feeling invisible hurts more than actually being gone.

I wonder if you have a song that reminds you of me.

I wonder if I'm one of the first thing you think of when you just woke up.

I wonder if you ever wish I was by your side even for some moments.

I wonder...

I've become very silent lately. I keep telling myself that it's because I need some time alone or that I'm finally at peace with my loneliness.

But, somewhere, I feel like it's because I'm tired. I'm tired of speaking up everytime without being understood so I choose to keep everything inside.

I want to be held.

I feel like if I'm not held by the right person anytime soon I will break into thousands of pieces.

Dear Wolrd,

The other day, I came across a video that said when someone is not meant to be with you the universe will do anything to make you two fall apart.

But, can't it see? Can't the universe see that I'm holding on a thread for that person. Can't the universe see that my soul is perishing for the person. And why is it that the universe gives me mixed feelings about that person. Are you confused too universe?

You're lonely?

You mean you write down all your feelings in a journal or as a note in your phone because you have no one to pour them out to who can truly understand you.

I easily forgive people. Rather, I would say I don't really hold grudges towards people.

But why, why is it so hard for others to forgive my mistakes. I am human too. I'm learning and trying to improve everyday too. So, why?

I want to be able to go on top of a mountain and scream to the world that I am yours.

But, it will only be possible if you accept me as yours.

Lately, I've been wanting someone to compliment me.

I have so much self hatred in myself these days that I can't look at the camera or the mirror without my smile fading.

I want someone to tell me that I'm worthy, that I'm not as bad as I think i am and that it will get better.

Oh to be a hopeless romantic in an unrequited love

I did not want to grow up.

I do not want to grow up anymore.

- We all break at a point. How long are you going to hold on?

- Forever. I'll hold on forever if I have to.

I used to be this happy soul with a goofy personality.

Now I look at people around me and wonder how they are able to smile in this chaotic world.

𝓨𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓳𝓪𝓬𝓴𝓮𝓽

I wrap myself in your jacket,

As if I can feel your presence with me.

I wrap myself in your jacket,

As if my racing heart and the storms in my head get calm

I wrap myself in your jacket,

As if your scent will linger around me and trigger the nostalgia.

I wrap myself in your jacket,

As if your arms are wrapped around me.

I wrap myself in your jacket and wish it was you instead.

I wish to make my love pure again.

I wish I could turn back time,

To when we had our first connection.

I would write our story all over again,

But this time with more experience.

I am chaos,

I am cursed,

I bring destruction to the table,

I ruin everything,

Everything that I have ever touched,

Everything that I have ever felt,

Everything...that I have ever loved.

Sometimes I feel like I want to get my life sort out. I want to be productive both mentally and physically.

But then I remember the regrets I have and the people I've hurt and my brain tell myself "You don't deserve to have a happy life."

I want to be like the tides, gentle and roaring. I would try to kiss the moon in one blink and come crashing down in another. But I am not that free. I am this little plant that seeps and stays. My smile depends upon the skies. Even if I hate to admit it, the winter solstice makes me long for warm lights.

- reign