I Don't See Him Anymore... I Think About Him All The Time, And Its Neither Of Our Faults. Sometimes I

Why am i trusting him with my body if i cant even trust him with my mind?

My sleeve rolled up, but only for a second. I didnt even notice my fresh scars were showing. Suddenly i feel my sleeve being pulled up. Its my "friend". She doesnt know i cut. Only 1 person knows. I just said it was my sisters cat. She didnt buy it. Other people start to join in, asking what really happened. Ive beeen keeping this secret for 2 years, and ill be damned if they find out now.

Eventually, they gave up on asking. That night, i cut a little too deep. A little too far down. My thighs were already covered in blood, so i moved on to my upper arms, so it could be covered with a tshirt. It started rolling up again and the next day, i felt that same terror as someone tried pulling up my sleeve without warning. I couldnt think. I was in a group of about 10 people, and i had a total breakdown. I blacked out, but luckily, my one friend was in that group and told everyone to just leave me alone. Thats why i love her so much. I know she'll always have my back, even though we havent talked about it in a year.

Well, i couldnt even go 24 hours...

Ive been clean for months before, but i just cant anymore.

you can never replace anyone, can you? I mean you can try. you can try like hell. you can try and forget but its always there.

What happened to me...

Ive never felt so damn alone in my life...

"You and i were meant to be, but only in a memory"

- Lauren Duski -Deja Vu

I thought you were the one for me...

Im suprised I made it this far without bingeing. I ate about 400 calories. I feel starving but full. The only thing us now i cant sleep...

I had a family, once. Then i fucked up and things were never the same.

- the funny thing is, i don't take it back. Im happier alone, and i think that scares me more...

it was a present from my sister. I can never forget what my first bracelet looked like. green, black and yellow zigzags, all glued together to make the string seem almost, unreal. I never took it off. I loved the feeling of wearing something and never taking it off. I guess that's why people didn't notice when I started wearing more and more bracelets, and 4 years later, my reasoning for wearing it became more of a fashion statement, but a cover up. some days, I 2oild feel brave enough to take them off, just to see if anyone would notice. they looked, they acknowledged, but they never said a word to me. not even an "are you okay?" but just an endless nightmare of stares. God, life was so much simpler before she gave me that bracelet. that one bracelet isolated me, and built a mental barrier between me and happiness. unachievable unless I was willng to pay a price. sometimes just one, sometimes 100.