First You Procrastinate On The Task Because It Is Not A Big Enough Deal To Get Done Urgently. Then You

Family, teachers, friends of my parents, parents of my friends, doctors. ..

I was not secretive about any of what I was going through. I'd been told that if anyone ever hurt me to tell an adult and I did that every single time. I would find an adult I thought could be safe, I'd tell them my experience and I'd wait for it to get better. It never did.

I turn 30 next month so here’s what I learned in my 20s:

—don’t work for startups, they’re always one ‘innovative idea’ away adding ‘sell your kidneys on the black market’ to your job description.

—keeping a collection of basic OTC medicine on you will save your life one day. I recommend Advil, Imodium, and TUMS.

—those little single-use glasses cleaning wipes are 1000% worth the money

—overly self-depreciating jokes just make people uncomfortable, wean yourself off of them

—you can buy dehydrated mini marshmallows in bulk online and they’re a godsend for hot cocoa

—people don’t care if you have fidget toys on your desk they just want to play with them

—try to go to bed BEFORE the existential ennui kicks in

Is there a term to describe people with "trauma" who don't know if theirs even constitutes as trauma? And if it is, then it's not as bad as it could've been? Like instead of having drug dealing parents who beat you into a concussion weekly, you had parents who never seemed to quite be proud of you, parents who had a clear favorite, could be considered abusive to certain degrees but verbally abusive more often than physically? What about the guilt that comes with it? I would like to know for several purposes...

I now have insurance and can start the process of autism and ADHD screenings.

There are a few problems though.

I don't know where to start

They take forever

The insurance is through my job, but I want to quit. If I quit, no more insurance

sjp.columbia: Having to constantly post graphic images of mutilated and dead Palestinian bodies in order to prove Palestinian suffering has made us realize the extent to which this racist dehumanization persists — where even thousands of pictures of dead Palestinian children are not enough for the Western world to step up and condemn genocide. This photo of Sidra Hassouna has been haunting us since we saw it upon the Israeli bombardment of Rafah.

It is hard to adequately express the whiplash we face when people complain about protests inconveniencing them when, just an hour before a protest, we are staring at these images. We often wonder if everyone is seeing the same news as us. How is it possible to view an image like this and continue to stay silent?

Say her name. Palestinians are not collateral damage. Palestinians are not numbers. Palestinians are humans who deserve to live, dream, and laugh. Rest in peace, Sidra Hassouna.

La hawla wa la quata illa billah

Remember that I love you + dungeon meshi

Not invalidating anyone, but my abuser used the first two to emphasize how much of a disappointment I was when I couldn't deliver what was expected of me. I was "gifted," but eventually started to slip. Those phrases were used against me even before that whenever I thought something was difficult or I just flat out couldn't do it, which made it so much more painful when I finally reached the bottom of my fall. I wasn't what I was "supposed to be," and never would be.

Some of these others were used but they were empty. If I actually needed help, I likely wouldn't get it. "Are you okay?" "You can tell us anything." "If you need help, just ask." But help never came. For my depression, my anxiety, my autism symptoms, my ADHD symptoms... My siblings were helped when they needed it, but I was left to rot. The most help I got was being able to stay after school for tutoring a few times so I wouldn't have to repeat a class and be even more embarrassing. That didn't last long though and I had to resort to cheating.

The enabler was genuine about being proud. The other couldn't even utter the words to tell that lie. Captain enabler also said we were good kids, but never protected me from the abuse, so there was a lot of dissonance. If I'm a good kid, why am I being punished and called an asshole? A worthless, lazy dumbass? It's confusing.

Phrases I don’t hear from abusive parents:

“You can achieve anything you want.”

”You’ll be fine, you’re smart and capable. You can do this. ”

”Are you alright? Do you need help?

“Are you hurt?”

”I’m sorry.”

“You’re not alone, if you want to pursue this we’ll help you.”

“Nobody is allowed to hurt you.”

“I’ll be here if you need me.”

“It’s all going to be okay.”

“You’re a good kid.”

“You did a great job!”

“I’m proud of you.”

Palestinian gofundme’s with zero donations as of May 11, 2024:

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One time in grade 11 band class I let a girl go through my iPod and she started laughing and I was like "What's funny" and she read out loud, "Papa Roach, Breaking Benjamin, MCR, Get Scared, Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails... and then fuckign Pussycat Dolls?!"

And I'm never gonna forget that