The Other Day I Got A Really Hard Ball At Soccer Practice Kicked On My Arm, Not A Big Deal Usually But

I feel dirty and I don't feel real

Like it seriously feels like being fat is blocking me from actually living and being someone

I know that sounds silly but I can't take myself serious like this

And I don't know who I am if I'm not skinny

my aunt and godmother just died

sisyphus is just how having ana-bp feels lol

I look a little different each day and at this pointy I have no clue what I really look like

If I for some reason ever end up having kids of my own I will never ever comment on their body, their weight or compare them to other children, not even their siblings, and then try to soothe them by telling them they're just built bulky. No. I will definitely not be encouraging of they may be overweight and - fucking (un)surprisingly - eat less. And if they lose weight, I won't comment on how grown up they look now with all the face fat gone or grab their ribcage and act fucking impressed or openly diet in front of them or fucking WALK INTO THE ROOM TO WEIGH MYSELF EVERY DAY WHILST I LITERALLY STAND THERE LIKE 🧍🏽

And if I notice my kid is ⭐ving themselve I'm not going comment on it constantly and never do anything, and I won't just shut up when they suddenly begin eating again, devouring everything in sight and all the other things.

And if their Grandma does any of these things I'm just not going to let them see each other when I'm not around. Because I won't have her feed them every fucking calorie in the house just because she didn't give a shit, and then have her try to gossip about my weight with my Mom and keep fucking comparing me to my sister and shit there is so much more and I'm sorry for the rant

quitting sh to focus on my ed ☺️

Having a white monster rn, man it's been months since I last had one, I missed that stuff

@cannerabal @queerpoisonousplant

@karmaajr

Not me having some kinda type... Who shall I tag? I think I wanna tagggggg... @mybugsmybugsmybugs @mexicangela @lunar-years @biscuitboxpink but no pressure!! I just thought it would be fun!

on that note

while going over your calories is not necessarily a binge, you do not get to decide what binging is for other people!

i’ve seen comments saying “not even 2000 calories is a binge” dude. it’s not about numbers. you can’t put a number on restriction - someone can be anorexic at 0 calories, at 200, at 800, at 1000, at 3000+ because it’s not about the numbers that you eat, it’s your mindset

binging is uncontrollable eating, past the point of fullness, into the point of pain, but it can also be mindless, thoughtless over eating when you don’t want to eat

numbers do not make up your binge. don’t think that because you didn’t reach a certain amount of calories, doesn’t mean you didn’t binge. same as restricting. just because someone went further, doesn’t mean you didn’t go at all

I haven't weighed myself in at least a week now I think, which is crazy considering I usually get super obsessed with it and sometimes do it multiple times a day, but for one I'm too scared what the scale may say and then if I actually want to see my progress I need to look for actual physical changes and don't rely on the number of the scale?

I guess I'll try it out for a bit, except for yesterday I was in a deficit ever day that week and I'll just try not to weigh myself for a while and hopefully get a pleasant surprise when I do