How Is It That Something I Only Started For A Couple Days, I Could Forget So Easily? Welp, Looks Like

I have spent my whole life swimming

Fighting the currents

Trying to reach the shore

But I am tired

Of giving it my all

Only for the waves to pull me back

So instead I float

To avoid drowning

I can see the shore

I can make it

If the waves don't engulf me first.

Day 11:

What should you attract into your life?

I want to attract more positivity into my life. I myself want to be more positive about myself, my situation, and my life but I also want my surroundings to radiate positivity as well. I do not want to be surrounded by people who dwell in negativity because that will seep into my life. I already feel like I have something attached to me that bleeds me dry most days and surrounding myself by someone who digs that wound deeper is not what I need during this time.

And while I want to eliminate the negativity altogether, unfortunately, I am in a situation that leaves little room for positivity. I know that I should not be putting this into the universe but like I said, I feel like there is some sort of cosmic vengeance that hangs over me 24/7. It is a cruel joke most days if I am being honest, for everything to be going great and then have it all come crumbling down tenfold.

At some point, I think I want to perform a return-to-sender ritual because someone has to be wishing ill upon our whole family. There is just no way that we all have been dealt the nastiest cards if someone was not putting it into the universe.

Day 3:

What do you love most about yourself?

The thing that I love the most about myself, physically, is my smile. I am biased but I think that I have an awesome smile. I have never had braces and my teeth are perfectly straight and I have dimples on each side. My smile is something that I am extremely grateful for because I know that if I had needed braces when I was younger, my parents would not have been able to afford them. I like to joke that it is the best thing that my parents have given me to date.

The thing that I love the most about myself, internally, is that I am adaptable. I can mold myself to almost any situation and I always try my best not to complain. If I am thrust into a scenario where I do not know anyone, I will mingle and make friends as I go. It is a daunting feeling because it forces me to step out of my comfort zone but I can't remember a time where I have ever regretted it.

I have plenty of insecurities but these are the two things I am confident about.

Day 5:

In what ways are you inauthentic?

In most parts of my life, to be quite honest. There is so much that I put a front on for or just flat out lie about that sometimes it becomes too much. I lie about money, I lie about how I’m doing, and I lie about how I feel about myself and others.

Most days I agree to things because I don’t like the feeling of being left out but I literally can’t afford it. I’m too embarrassed to admit that I’m struggling right now. I need to start saying no.

I lie about how other actions don’t affect me. I lie because I don’t want them to know how much they’ve hurt me. My emotions have always been a touchy subject for me and that is something that I am working on as well. I need to learn how to express myself in a healthy way.

Why am I injured?

I’m not physically injured which I think makes me feel all the worse about myself. I am able bodied while people are struggling yet I can’t seem to heal from the wounds I’ve received growing up. I’m an adult and I can’t get over everything that I’ve been through. I don’t know how to heal. I’m afraid that I’ll be like this forever.

Forever closing myself off to opportunities and people because I’m scared of opening old wounds. I’m turning out just like my parents and I hate that about myself. I wanted so much more from my life but i genuinely feel like I’m cursed or making up for some kind of past karmic bullshit from a previous life.

Every time life is good and I’m in a good headspace, things go crashing down and get 10x’s worse. I feel like I’m caught out in a storm and I keep getting pushed out to see. I’m so tired all the time and I don’t know how much longer I can keep swimming. Some days I just want to sink and let it be done with. Have my next self deal wihth whatever karmic justice they need to make up for because it’s too much for me in this life.

And you’d know I’d say, “the last time I drank, I was face-down, passed out there on your lawn.”

Orange Juice, Noah Kahan