Day 6:

Day 7:

Do you hold grudges against others that could be let go? What’s your motive for holding onto them?

If there is one thing that I have begrudgingly learned from my late father, it is the ability to hold a grudge. Pride meant everything to him and as an adult, I am realizing that I am my father's daughter. There are friends who I am sure have matured and realized their mistakes but I am still stuck in the past. I am holding on to the thread and the memory of them screwing me over. It hurt my feelings to know that someone I loved at one point in time could negate my feelings entirely and purposely hurt me.

I think I hold onto them because I do not want them to ever happen to me again. I don't want to look like an idiot forgiving someone for continuously screwing me over. At the end of the day, while I am scared of being hurt, I am terrified of looking like a complete idiot. So, in turn, I hold onto things and they are always at the forefront of my mind.

I do truly hope to let go of those inhibitions one day and just let things come and go as the universe wishes it but I know I'll have to work hard to get there one day.

Johann Peter Hasenclever (1810-1853) - Young woman at the open window looking at the full moon

Oil on canvas. Painted in 1840.

13.8 x 12 inches, 35 x 30.5 cm. Estimate: €8,000-12,000.

Sold Neumeister, Munich, 29 June 2023 for €20,800 incl B.P.

Day 8:

What do you hate about others? Why? What might that say about yourself?

Hate is such a strong word and I feel like there is so very little that I hate but if I had to categorize something, it would be the fact that people choose to hate others. What I am referring to is when people hate people who have to get abortions, people who are going through the journey of transition, people who fall in love with the same sex, or just people who choose to use their religion to spew hate.

I am in no way saying that people should all think one way because that would be ridiculous but at some point we have to stop letting hate rule our lives. If it is not hurting others, animals, or objectively morally wrong, I believe people should just be able to live their lives how they choose.

As for what that says about me, I think it just means that I am open-minded and mind my business, in general. There are always new things that I am learning every day and I will stumble every once in a while but I will never let hate ruin my heart. It is so toxic and I refuse to be someone that people dread to be around.

Day 3:

What do you love most about yourself?

The thing that I love the most about myself, physically, is my smile. I am biased but I think that I have an awesome smile. I have never had braces and my teeth are perfectly straight and I have dimples on each side. My smile is something that I am extremely grateful for because I know that if I had needed braces when I was younger, my parents would not have been able to afford them. I like to joke that it is the best thing that my parents have given me to date.

The thing that I love the most about myself, internally, is that I am adaptable. I can mold myself to almost any situation and I always try my best not to complain. If I am thrust into a scenario where I do not know anyone, I will mingle and make friends as I go. It is a daunting feeling because it forces me to step out of my comfort zone but I can't remember a time where I have ever regretted it.

I have plenty of insecurities but these are the two things I am confident about.

Day 4:

If you could get rid of one bad memory, what would it be and why?

The one memory I would get rid of is from the hospital the day my dad woke up after losing his voice. Not to make a horrible situation that happened to my dad all about me but that day was so very traumatic. I remember that they had told us that he had cancer from smoking cigarettes but I did not think it was going to be as bad as it was.

It was nighttime when he finally woke up and the room was packed to capacity with people checking up on him. But he woke up so frustrated and angry and all he was doing was grunting and trying to write. He was trying so hard to tell us what he needed and nothing would come out. It was the saddest moment of my life because he was a man who filled any room with his loud voice and laughter.

I remember that everyone around me was crying and that frustrated him even more. Every time he saw someone crying he would start banging things next to him. So instead of crying like everyone else around me, I stayed stoic. I tried my hardest to be the person he needed at that moment. I tried my best and I succeeded, but at what cost?

I mean here I am more than 10 years later and that memory still haunts me. The guilt still lingers.

I feel guilty because before he lost his voice he used to scream all the time. He used to scream so much that we thought his voice was hoarse from the yelling, not cancer. But it was too much for me; I remember I used to pray for him to stop screaming. I used to pray for some peace and quiet and when I finally had it, it was mortifying.

I can't remember his voice, I think that is the worst part.

He died in 2020 after they amputated both of his legs and told him they were going to have to take his arm too. He lived such a miserable life that I was so happy when he finally passed. He no longer had to suffer and neither did I. And while the death certificate is only 3 years old, I truly believe that the day he lost his voice is the day he died inside.

What does my childhood me need the most?

I think childhood me needs stability, reassurance, love, and peace. I know it could have been much worse, in comparison to other people’s childhood, but what I went through has affected me deeply.

I felt like I was in a constant state of turmoil, always walking on egg shells around my parents. I felt like we were always being pulled back and forth by both parents. We were pawns to them and used as excuses for them to live in their toxicity. They couldn’t live without each other and we suffered because of it.

I have never known what it was like to grow up with parents who loved each other selflessly. There were always restrictions in place and even when it came to us, I felt like they loved each other more than they ever loved us.

Because of all of this, I have been in a constant state of anxiety and that has followed me into my adult life. I am a mix of both of my parents, in the worst ways possible.

I wish I could go back and hug childhood me and let her know that I love her so much. I want her to speak her mind more instead of bottling it up. I know she has so much love to give.

Rainy day in Kyoto

How do I honestly believe I am?

I’d like to think I’m better. I’m not great, I’m not thriving, I’m not the happiest I’ve ever been, but I’m better than I was just a couple months ago. And that’s honestly how I’ll continue to live the rest of my life. As long as I’m better than I was yesterday or even last week, I’ll be content. I think I’m finally getting to a positive place where negative thoughts aren’t invading my mind 24/7. It’s been hard not to immediately start blaming everyone else, God, or even the universe for my problems but I’ve been trying my best. AND! I love myself so wholeheartedly now that I feel like that has attributed to my mindset now. I’ve stopped hating what I see when I look in the mirror and just started noticing that I am SO HOT and that I am lucky to be here.

Yes, I have trauma to still work through and I know I’ll have to work on myself for the rest of my life but it no longer feels like a chore. Instead, I feel grateful to be here and grateful to have experienced everything thus far.

How lucky I am that I still have opportunities to experience life and grow from my past.

Day 9:

What do you need to stop running away from?

If there is one thing that I need to stop running from, it is change. I do not mean change around me because I am always open to learning new things and opening my mind but I mean change when it directly affects me. I hope and pray everyday to be a better version of myself but I never do anything to initiate it. At the moment, I am working out and trying to eat healthier but the little voices in my head are fighting hard and winning. I am trying to find new job opportunities and I am trying to get back to school and I am just overall trying to crawl out of this hole that I am in but I feel defeated.

Every time I think that I am finally getting somewhere, there is a new obstacle and I am so tired. I am so tired of just being and fighting and looking at others where things come so easily. I am not sure what I have done in this life or past ones but I want to change that and don't know how. I know I walked about comparing myself to others and how I need to stop that but in instances like this, it is so hard.

While this does affect me, I will not let it drag me down.